


Winter Camp

by Mari_UC



Series: BirdFlash - Young Justice [4]
Category: DCU, Young Justice (Cartoon)
Genre: Homophobia, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, POV Wally West
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-12
Updated: 2018-10-03
Packaged: 2019-07-08 10:06:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 45,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15928202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mari_UC/pseuds/Mari_UC
Summary: ...And Dick’s day was going so well until now.It was a top day, to close a top week in what had been one of the best Novembers in recent history, until, like, two minutes ago, when Wally barged into his room, demanded to speak and decided to lead with…“I’m s-, they want what?” Dick asked dumbfounded his ears ringing after Wally finished talking… he couldn’t be talking seriously, could he…?“A conversion camp.” Wally said looking at him, with his legs crossed in front of Dick, both of them currently sitting on his bed. “They want me to try to put this behind me. To try as a family.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again.
> 
> I don’t want to advance too much of the story, which is why I choose to use mostly character tags and not much else. But I do have a few warnings: This will cover a couple LGBT Issues, mainly normalized homophobia, and a lot of unresolved issues. I don’t go in depth, nor will I try to present a unique view on any of them. Though, this is a POV story, so most of the issues are presented from a specific perspective, not necessarily my own.
> 
> It should be 3 chapters long, with an Epilogue. I have already written it; I am in the process of reviewing it. I should be posting a new chapter every other week.

Wally zipped ahead and turned around the corner. He was tired, but the promise of a long warm bath and a soft bed were enough to keep him running through the rainy streets. Once he got home, he vibrated himself out of the suit and concealed it in the ring drying himself from the rain in the process, before entering through the back.

He was surprised to hear raised voices and entered the room before his mind had time to identify the voices; thinking he might serve as a buffer to whoever was making his Aunt talk just a decibel below screaming. But as soon as he came into view of the people in the room he felt as if all warmth had been removed from his body.

Wally recognized the person sitting in front of his aunt and uncle. He’ll recognize him anywhere, anytime.

“Dad”

Wally only realized he’d talked when everyone in the room turned to look at him.

His father, Rudolph West was sitting in the left chair of the living room, having tea and cookies with Aunt I and Uncle B.

His father was _here_. And he was looking at him, slightly surprised with his hand halfway up to his face and pointed at Aunt I but with his face turned to him. With his eyes _too_ open and somewhat sad.

Wally quickly noticed his father was wearing his favorite three-piece suit. The grey one his mother had bought for him as a gift in his fiftieth birthday. His father only wore it on special occasions, like Wally’s school graduation, the wedding of a close friend Wally had managed to escape from going to, and that time he was summoned for jury duty.

It was his _formal_ suit _._

He couldn’t take his eyes of him. Of his _Father_ , a man he hadn’t seen in almost four years…

Wally suddenly wished he’d just say something, but his father was just looking at him, immobile. With his mouth slightly agape and his eyes still surprised, like he couldn’t force himself to change expressions. Actually, all the adults seemed frozen in place, only his Uncle seemed to start to be unaffected… Almost as if…

_Oh…_

Wally forced his body to decelerate and enter into _Normal-time_ as Dick had called it. It was happening more often now that his speed was catching up with his growth. At least that’s what he’d theorized with his Uncle.

“Wallace” his father was the first one to speak, standing up and morphing his features to be a little more open… a little more hopeful. Wally took a step back not really knowing what to do. His Aunt seemed to realize his predicament. “Wally,” she said turning at him and hesitating. “I thought you’ll be home later.”

He was supposed to, but the mission ended early.

And…

He hadn’t seen his father in almost four years, and then he’s here, eating cookies and sitting in his second favorite couch in the house Wally’s starting to feel comfortable calling a _home_.

_What is he doing here?_

_Is he coming to see me? Is he coming to take me back? ..._

_Does… Does he come here for tea and cookies when I’m not around?_

Wally turned to his aunt and frowned.  “I… The… The Team finished early.” Wally said remembering she’d actually asked a question and finding it really hard to process the ability to form words.

Then he turned to his father and the last thought came back and if filled him with a sense of irrational fear. “What are you doing here?” _Do you come when I’m not here? Do you have cookies and tea when you expect not to meet with me?_

Honestly, Wally hadn’t meant the question to come out fast and rough.

He also hadn’t meant to walk into a parallel dimension where his father just popped up in his Aunt’s living room for tea and cookies, so… His father shrunk a little at the tone and Wally regretted speaking but he recovered quickly, because he really wanted an answer.

“I dropped by to see you, son. I wanted to talk to you. I… should have called, but I wasn’t sure I would be welcome” Said his father and Wally kind of hated the fact that his heart soared at that phrase. Because not only this was been a _one-time thing;_ _he_ was the reason of the visit.

His father wanted to see _him_.

And the idea of his father not being in contact with his aunt and uncle without his knowledge calmed him far more than he would feel comfortable trying to assess right now. The idea of Aunt I and Uncle B hiding his father’s visits would have hurt too much.

“Rudy. I’ve…” Aunt I spoke softly but was quickly shut down by his _father_.

_His Father._

_He was here. In the living room. Trying to talk to him._

For _whatever_ reason.

His father didn’t took his Aunt’s interruption too kindly because he turned huffing to see her “Iris. I’m talking to my son. Whether you like it or not. I’m talking to him. I’m the kid’s father. I deserve this” his father was getting red and Wally looked around, his aunt was skittish and his uncle was giving him a weird look, so probably whatever his father had been speaking about to his aunt had been about him, and by the look of it, she didn’t wanted the subject to be brought up.

“It…” he said before he was able to stop himself “It’s ok, Aunt Iris. I… I wanna talk with my dad” he finished looking at her and smiling softly. His aunt didn’t seem all that confident about this, but sat down next to Barry and grabbed his hand, trying to mask how uncomfortable she felt with whatever was about to happen.

“Good boy,” his father said coming closer and putting a hand on his shoulder. “How are you?”

“Same ol’” he answered moving forward and sitting in the divan in front of his father who sat in the chair opposite to him, leaving his Aunt and Uncle as silent side-observers of their talk “Team’s been nice to me. I… Uhm…” Wally had to bit his tongue from blurting out _I have a boyfriend now._ It was kind of the biggest thing in his life for the past couple of months, but still. Probably not the safest choice considering their past. “I’ve been keeping up in school. Straight A’s. I was accepted for an Endowed Scholarship Program. I’m thinking to go to Harvard, maybe Stanford. I’ll probably just choose the coast with the best sea” he joked flatly.

“That’s good, kiddo. Real good” he replied nodding and looking up at him with pride. _Pride_. Wally had almost forgotten how full that look made him feel every time he’d come home with a test he’d aced or a congratulatory card from his teachers. It was worth the nerd bullying if it meant his father and mother were proud of him and supportive of his scientific mind. “I’ve always liked that ‘bout you. You’re smart. That’s what’s gonna give you the keys to life. Not the _speed_. Knowledge.”

It was true.

Wally remembered the first time he’d talked to his father about the chemistry classes and how he wanted to be a scientist when he was older. His father had given him a huge smile and two days later came home with a chemistry set to be placed on the garage. Wally helped him set it up while his father talked about how knowledge was the key to success in life and that he should pursue his true calling. It had been that talk that had motivated him to ask for private tutoring at school and what had turned him into a science nerd.

His father’s support. When he had it…

_Before_ …

He looked up at his father and saw him thinking, and Wally briefly wondered if he’d gone to the same memory as he had. He tried a small smile and was surprised when his father returned the smile softly before continuing, probably getting into the core of the matter. He’d never been one for small talk. “I… I’ve been talking with your Mom. We… We’re awfully sorry, about how we handled… the… You know… the… _condition_.” Wally felt a knot in his chest expand for each word his father spoke. The absence of his mother was weighing heavy on his mind. And the way he spoke… It crushed every idea Wally had that his father was going to ask him to come back to him.

To them.

_Home._

But he couldn’t.

Because of his _problem_ … his _deviation_. “His sexuality, Rudy. Not a _condition_. He’s not sick and he’s not wrong.” As if reading his mind, his aunt talked and Wally felt part of his mind go at ease, the part that was screaming the same words his aunt had spoken.

But he didn’t had a chance, since his father closed his eyes containing his anger and raised his palm to Iris asking her to be silent. “Iris. Let _us_ speak.” Wally _felt_ rather than see the vibration of his Uncle’s legs and arms, and noticed how tense he was. His hand had gone to his aunt’s shoulder and he forced her back to the couch where she went with her arms closed and an angered scowl on her face.

His father turned to his Uncle gave him a short nod thanking him and then looked at him. “As I was saying. We… We’ve been talking, after we moved back to Keystone, we reacquaint ourselves with an old friend. He’s a preacher. We talked, and he made us see the error in our ways. We shouldn’t have let you go. Not without a fight, first.”

“A… A fight?” Wally frowned looking at his father. He was a little lost with all the preacher thing. He knew his mother was quite religious, but his father had never been too into it. Yes, they’d go to church, but it was more of a Sunday tradition than a true commitment.

And then there was the _fight_ talk. Fight for what? Against whom?

_Surely not against Aunt I and Uncle Barry…_

“Yeah, kiddo. You’re our kid. We should have tried harder. We… He, this Father, his name is Willis. He talked to us about this facility. It’s a camp they run, for people with… with your… problem.” Aunt I scoffed hard and his father again closed his eyes hard trying to ignore her before continuing, but the knot in Wally’s chest was already reaching his throat and Wally felt a huge heavy weight settle all over himself. _He’s not really talking about…_ “It’s run by this psychologist. We’ve talked to him, he’s a really smart guy, he knows what he’s talking about. We could… we could go there…” Wally’s mind dozed off from his father while he talked about the place, apparently two acres of a _facility_ for people with his _condition._

His _condition_ being the fact that he’s gay.

And the _facility_ being a camp, run by a psychiatrist.

A psychiatrist who can help him with his _condition_.

“You want me to go to a _conversion camp_.” Wally blurted out cutting off his father. He seemed slightly shaken by that and then he scrunched his nose at the term.

_Yeah…_

“Yeah. I… I know how it looks,” he said briefly glancing towards his aunt, and suddenly Wally understood the reason for their fight. His father wanted him to go to a conversion camp, to try and _stop being gay_ and his aunt had refused. Wally got why her aunt had tried to prevent him from talking to his dad… “I’ve also seen the reports on TV about those places with the forced procedures… the _sex_ _therapy_ and the mind-messing. But this guy’s not like that. It’s just a reassessment program, based on scientific studies and spiritual guidance.” _Yeah, right_ Wally mentally huffed.

He didn’t had anything against religious people believing spiritual guidance helped them overcome difficulties, he himself had started to believe in the existence of spiritual forces beyond scientific understanding…

_Beyond_ current _scientific understanding…_

What ticked him off was the idea that people would believe these camps were backed by _science._ No. They weren’t. Even if the preacher wasn’t going _medieval_ on the kids, he was probably still way below the standards set by the APA or any other psychological organizations. Hell, even the WHO had denounced long ago the conversion camps that operated under the assumption that being gay was a disease or something _to be cured_. Yet here he was, listening to his father ask him to go to a “reassessment program” camp.

And yes, he’d been reading about this. Ever since coming out he’d been catching up with all the _Out and_ _Proud_ movement.

He must have stayed silent for too long, because his father shifted his feet before adding “It’s a family thing too. We could spend a couple weeks together before Christmas, work on this as a family. As we should have.” Wally looked at him, and he could see the hope and the eagerness in his father’s gaze, and for the first time in three years Wally felt a knot in his chest dissolve, and the anger and indignation was changed with something else.

_His father wanted to fight for him._

They wanted a family Christmas… The first one in three- nearly four years.

“I…” Wally didn’t knew how to answer to his father…

He was giving him a choice: Come and spend some time with them and try to stay together as a family… or let him leave and probably make his father believe he didn’t wanted to be with them.

The choice was technically _so_ easy. Yet…

“Come on, kid. You… Your mother and I want to give you another chance. We need to work on this as a family.” Wally felt his eyes wet at the mention of his mother but the knot in his throat didn’t recede, on the contrary it grew bigger. They were giving him a chance, the ability to be a _family_ again. This should be a no-brainer, yet…

A conversion camp. Wally couldn’t… Those places didn’t really worked. All he could gain from that is getting into a spiral of depression and internalized hate he’d finally beginning to leave. This…

Couldn’t they ask me for something else? Something possible?

But then again, it was his father. His dad. Asking him to…‘ _How can you turn out so wrong?_ ’

_All I have to do is go there… try and be a good kid for them…_

_A_ Normal _kid._

He… maybe this camp could prevent his father from being disappointed at him. All he had to do was nod, he knew his father would help him through it all, he’ll try and make it easier for him. He’ll have his family with him.

Again.

They’ll love him and he could go back to the path he was in four years ago. Be a scientist and form a family, be a hero on the sidelines like the Flash…

He could…

“Rudy, that’s enough” his aunt’s voice drew him out of his mind and he turned to see her. She was grabbing Uncle Barry’s hand, he could see her knuckles were white with how hard she was squeezing. And Wally felt a warmth in his chest that allowed him to breathe easier. Whatever he decided, he’ll count with his aunt and uncle’s to have his back.

His father, however was evidently tired of his aunt’s interruptions because he turned around red in the cheeks and glared at her “No, Iris. It’s not. I let you take my son once. I’m getting him back.” Wally swallowed.

_Take my son… getting him back…_

Those phrases remained in his mind and made Wally frown. That’s not how he remembered that. His aunt hadn’t taken him, she’d _accepted_ him. He’d remembered that night for the past four years with full detail; how his father had talked about adoption, how his aunt had come yelling, how his father had practically thrown him away, and how he hadn’t done anything to stop him when he and his uncle went packing his things.

How his mother had gone up, locked herself and not said anything to anyone all day.

How his father had stayed with his arms crossed with his back turned on him as he left. Not moving. Not saying anything as Wally felt like his whole body was being broken into pieces and then shredded all over the house.

His aunt obviously remembered the same night, because she stood looking down at his father. “I didn’t _took him_ from you. You abandoned him. Because you couldn’t face the fact that your son’s gay. And then you come here and you look at him like he’s somehow sick. He’s not. He’s a wonderful kid who deserves to be with someone that loves him and supports him. He’s gay, and if you can’t deal with it, then you should leave.” Aunt I was standing up to his father with a strong even voice that was absolutely cold and unforgiving.

For the third, maybe fourth time in his life, Wally could see why Hal kept saying that his aunt was the second scariest woman in the world.

His father stood up to face his aunt and stared back “He doesn’t have to be… a-- _that_. He can-”

“Oh, my God. You can’t even say the word, can you?” Aunt I said huffing hard at his father “Gay, you bigoted fool! He’s Gay. And now you wanna take him away into a place where they can convince him that he’s sick, too. That somehow because he’s attracted to men, he’s _flawed_. Well, _fuck you_ Rudy. I’m not letting Wally go through that.” Wally smiled softly at her aunt, who was looking so strong and caring defending him, he could see in her posture, trying to put herself between Wally and his father. She was right. He didn’t needed to get himself through this. He was in a good place. Even… even without his father and his mother, he…

‘ _Disgusting. Wrong._ ’

His father looked dumbfounded at his Aunt. “I’m sorry?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.

“You heard me” his aunt said crossing her arms.

“You’re not _letting him_? Who the _fuck_ are you, to let or not let _my_ _son_ do anything?” His father said carefully stressing the words and Wally swallowed thickly, he didn’t wanted to see his father and his aunt fighting. _Again_. But he couldn’t move, he was frozen, looking at the two of them like he was observing a scene from a movie, with a sense of fascination that overwhelmed him, unable to think about anything other than the fact that two of his four parental figures looked ready to take the fight to fists.

His aunt moved forward “I’m his Aunt, and a far more responsible paternal figure than you” she finished poking his father on the chest.

“Hah. Responsible?” his father questioned swatting her hand away “You let him go out dressed like a freak to fight monsters and aliens along some teenagers in a secret black-ops group” he accused pointing at Wally. He swallowed thickly, that… wasn’t exactly _false_ … Wally subconsciously messed with the ring that stored his KF uniform, the one he’d been wearing a couple minutes back, while he ran as a scout in Batman’s latest undercover mission. Wally was considering whether he should go with the _‘official’ lie_ to try and disable his father’s argument, however, before he was able to say anything, his father doubled down on his insult. “What you are is a criminal, Iris. That’s fucking child endangerment.”

Wally stood up behind his father and moved to get between them, but again he was cut, this time by his Uncle who’d _flashed_ to stand between his father and his aunt, facing his father and putting a hand on his chest. “Hey!” he said looking _one wrong word_ away to being angry. “Do _not_ talk to Iris like that,” his father held the gaze for half a second but huffed and backed down rolling his shoulders, probably trying to let some of the anger go… and maybe just shrugging it off. His uncle seemed placated and then looked at him and added “And Wally’s not a freak, nor is he a part of a secret black-ops _anything_. He’s part of a Justice League _trainee program_. He’s a hero.”

Wally felt the need to scuff at that.

Sure, _trainee program_. That was the ‘official’ title of the team. After all, people were bound to notice that the _sidekicks_ were acting as a group so the JL had decided to create the front of the trainee program. But his father was infinitely closer to the truth. They were a black-ops team, they operated under Batman. And if they weren’t a group of aliens/metahumans/exceptionally trained people, his idea of child engenderment wouldn’t be too off.

He’d talked about this with Roy and Dick very often on their early years, especially after learning Dick had been NINE when he’d started.

_Nine._

_The fuck was Batman thinking?_

But, he’d moved from that. Accepted he was acting on the morally compromised side of the argument and started building on the benefits of having such a team… _program._

Sure, the JL were endangering kids. But the kids were fully willing, fully trained, and the results far outweighed the dangers.

Still, he managed to suppress the scuff. His father didn’t.

“No Allen. _You_ are a hero. You’ve got _training_ , you went to the _Police Academy_ , you have firearm _and_ combat _training_. You finished grad school in chemistry and are a CSI. _You_ are an _adult_. You can make choices. If you wanna dress up in firefighter tights and run around fighting crazy people, great for you, Hero. You can do that and no one’s liable but _you_. But, Wally’s _my_ _kid_. And that’s all he is. A kid. He’s not even 18, and has been doing this for _years_. For all I know, all those hits are what made him a _queer_.”

Wally did scoff at that. That’s not how sexuality works. His father was so on point up until that last sentence, Wally might even get on his side, but then he had to go and bring the stupid weight on his chest back in with that final sentence. His uncle didn’t seemed to know how to respond, other than to bristle at the end. All of them stood there looking at each other not saying anything and Wally felt the pressure on the air shifting and becoming more pervasive by the second.

His Uncle was looking everywhere _but_ at him, and Wally could see that his father’s words had gotten to him, his Aunt was throwing daggers at his father, and he was just sending barely repressed glares at her. Then, half a second later his father sighed and turned to him. “Oh, forget this. You’re going with me to this camp, aren’t you Wallace?” he asked, bringing them back to topic.

One Wally had expected they’d forgotten. “I… Dad…” He stammered looking at him.

_Was he?_

On one hand, he really wanted to work things out with them. To be a family again. And this camp could be the proverbial silver platter.

On the other hand, he _wasn’t sick_. He didn’t wanted to go to a camp where they’ll use pseudoscience to tell him how sick and wrong he was. Not when just a couple months ago all his friends had accepted him, and he’d started to actually feel comfortable with how he felt.

His father took his silence as a rejection and moved closer, but his aunt moved to block him, he glared at her for a second, but still talked to him and ignored her. “Please kid. Your mom and I wanna fix this. Just let’s give this a shot.”

Wally looked at him. He was being honest. He really wanted this… how can he say no to his father? Shouldn’t he… try to be better… he…

It was obvious he’d disappointed him-them, when he’d been found in that room, with that boy. His father had been devastated and angry… And then…

Then he was giving him a chance. Another chance to win his family back.

A chance to be the kid they wanted him to be…

_Normal_ …

He… Maybe he wasn’t sick, but he could be normal, couldn’t he? He could try… for his father… for his family. “Can I think about this? Like overnight.”

“Come on, Walls, you don’t have to do this” his aunt said with a soft voice and looking at him… pitying him. _Disappointed in me_.

His father ignored his aunt again and beamed at him “Of course you can, kiddo. Camp starts in two weeks and Father Willis can hold us a spot until the last day. Just take your time. Here,” he took out a brochure from his suit’s jacket “Look it up, you’ll see it’s really nice up there, in the mountains. You can even jog there and ask for a tour, just say my name and they’ll know who you are” s _ure, a tour_ … _Lovely_. He swallowed the knot again and took the brochure and nodded “Ok, Dad. I’ll… I’ll think about it.”

His father smiled at him and he looked ready to move, it took a second for Wally to notice what he wanted to do, and before he was ready, his father moved past his Aunt and grabbed him by the shoulder. Half a second later his face was being pressed against his father’s shoulder as he gave him a strong hug. “You’re going to make your Mom so happy, kid” he whispered to his ear and Wally couldn’t help but lean a little into the hug, not trusting himself to return it, else he might never let his dad go.

They stayed like this a couple seconds and Wally had to open his eyes when he felt him move, not realizing he’d closed them when he leaned into the hug. He moved back and smiled at his father. He then left with only a curt nod to his aunt and uncle.

After he left, Wally felt the air in the house change. His aunt stomped back to the couch and groaned loudly. “Ugh. I cannot believe him!” she exploded and Wally turned and looked at her. She looked at him “Wally” his aunt motioned him to move closer and he sat on the couch next to her, as his uncle went to clean the dishes making himself scarce. “Walls, you don’t have to listen to him, ok?” she said putting her hands on his knees.

“But, I kind of do, Aunt I” he answered looking at her and then moving to gaze the brochure, not really looking at it “I mean, he’s my dad… he… They’re my parents. I…” _I should at least consider it, shouldn’t I?_

“Kid, there’s nothing wrong with being who you are. You don’t have to submit yourself to this kind of _thing_ for them” She said and Wally looked at her… maybe she was right? Maybe….

But then again… this… this could give him his parents back. “But…” he decided to ask her “What if they’re right? What if I can… be _normal_? Shouldn’t… Shouldn’t I give it a try?”

“And do what, kid?” She countered immediately “Treat yourself like there’s something wrong with you? There isn’t. To try and cure yourself? You’re not sick. To give yourself a spiritual guidance into heterosexuality? There’s no such thing. And for what?”

“For my parents” he answered without a second thought “For… To gain their trust. To… be with them. To… To be _loved_ by them. Don’t I deserve that?” He asked her, feeling the tears pool on his eyes, and he was surprised when his aunt took a sharp breath surprised.

“Oh, Kid” she replied and threw herself at him giving him a strong hug and started whispering in his ear “Don’t _ever_ say that again. You hear me? They do love you. I don’t doubt that. And don’t you ever, _ever_ doubt it either”

She moved away and looked at him straight to the eye and Wally felt a knot in his throat tighten as she kept talking “The day you were born was Rudy’s happiest day of his _life_ , I remember it, the way he looked at you. The way he _still does_. So does Mary. They love you with all their hearts. But they need to accept the ‘you’ that _you_ _are_ ; not the ‘you’ that _they_ _want you to be_.”

He scoffed at that part.

_Yeah, sure. Lovingly abandoning me._

_And even if they do love me… what if this helps with that? What if going here helps those two ‘me’ to be the same? What if by going here, doing this_ therapy _, I can become who they want me to be? What if I’m happier like that?_

Wally, however didn’t said any of that, instead he sighed tiredly and looked back at her.

“I… I need to lie down” he said and she let him go after a second hug. His uncle came back as he was leaving and just gave him a strong squeeze on the shoulder. _I’m here._ He smiled at him and moved up to his room, he dropped the brochure on his desk and threw himself on the bed.

-_-_-_-_-

The beeping of his cellphone woke him up with a start. He’d fallen asleep somewhere on the fifth loop of “I can’t do this / I have to do this”. Wally looked a little disoriented at his room and then moved to grab his phone, to read what, probably, was a text from his friends. He unlocked the screen and froze.

He, indeed, had several unread messages, but that wasn’t what made him stare at his phone. No, what made him froze and stare was his screensaver. The screensaver he’d changed just last week. A selfie, of him standing atop of Mount Justice, with the sea behind him and Dick Grayson, without shades, perched on his arm grinning brightly to the phone.

His boyfriend.

_Boy_ -friend.

As in the guy he’s been in a _gay_ _relationship_ with for the past two months. _52 days, really._

_Not that he’s counting or anything. That’d be cheesy._

A gay relationship that would have to end if he goes through with his father’s idea. Wally felt a cold shiver down his spine when he thought about it. And then, he felt a horrible bile move up his throat.

_Was he an asshole for not thinking about Dick until now?_

He might be. Dick was his boyfriend. He’d even though how Dick was the most important thing to happen to him since he’d spoken to his father, but once he started thinking about that camp, Dick had completely slipped his mind.

He’d…

He’d focused solely on whether he could be _normal_.

He hadn’t realized being normal, meant _leaving Dick_. That thought brought the bile back full force and Wally had to sit on the bed.

_Leaving Dick._

God, after years of pinning after him, of wishing to be with him, of dreaming and stealing glances. After so much, he was finally _with_ Dick.

And now… Now he was just supposed to leave him? _For what?_

What had his aunt said? ‘ _a spiritual guidance into heterosexuality_ ’ Was there really such a thing? Could… could he really? But then again… his family was asking this of him. A chance.

He could always go there, try and get his family to approve of him. To make them realize he was happy as he was and then maybe… maybe, they’ll change. Maybe they’ll be there for him and try to open their minds for him and allow him to be happy with Dick and with them.

It… It was a dream, a nice possibility that might happen, but he shouldn’t realistically hold too much hope for that.

He looked at the notifications.

 

**_My Circus Boy (5 new messages)_ **

_Hey hot stuff, U home, yet? – 2:15 p.m._

_Hey, Alfie wants to know if U can come on Friday.- 3:26 p.m._

_Says he’ll make you that tandoori chck’n he’d promised - 3:26 p.m_

_Walls… U there? – 15m ago_

_?? – 1m ago_

****

**_My Circus Boy (Missed call) - 5:22 p.m._ **

 

Wally looked at the clock and saw Dick had called five minutes ago.

After 3 hours of radio-silence.

He swallowed and opened the chat app. ‘ _Hey Babe. Sry, was zzz.’_ He wrote without thinking too much about it, mostly to calm his boyfriend before he started _actively_ looking for him. He gave himself a second to think about Dick’s messages. Agent A had promised to invite him to come over and have some Tandoori after he’d learnt it was one of Wally’s favorites. He’d promised to try some traditional recipe and get back to him. Apparently, it only took Agent A a week and a half to master a new recipe. It didn’t took too much brainpower to come to the conclusion he was probably going to cancel it. Excuse himself with anything and try to push it back a couple days to give himself some time to organize his thoughts.

He shouldn’t try to go to see Dick without having some semblance of order in his mind about what to do, and he felt an irrational fear when he thought of telling Dick about it. No way, _that_ was ending well. Still, his thumbs froze over the phone as he was about to type when the ‘ _My Circus B… is typing’_ message appeared on his screen. Half a second later his phone vibrated ‘ _Hi’_ followed by three heart emojis.  And then half a second later _‘np. Alfie’s still waiting on an answer though._ ’

‘ _Ik, but I don’t think I’ll be able to make it._ ’ He wrote and then added a simple lie. ‘ _Uncle B wants to spend some quality time or smth._ ’ It was a reasonable enough excuse and not entirely a lie, just three days ago, his uncle was planning a big weekend lunch since JL and Team missions had been taking a lot of time the past few weeks.

Crazies usually went extra nuts in and around Halloween, and that had been just two weeks ago. Thankfully, Thanksgivings were normally calmed in Central.

Wally decided to add a couple sad emojis at the end to finish the excuse and waited. Not two seconds later Dick replied with the same sad images and _‘I’ll tell him. We’ll figure another date._ ’

Wally wondered if he should try to end the conversation or if he could just leave it there, but Dick’s next message actually cut him of his exit ‘ _So… tell me smth.’_

_‘like?’_ He really didn’t felt like talking but Dick always managed to draw him into a conversation whenever he wanted to, even if he was being uncharacteristically quiet.

_‘idk, anything. How was your nap?’_

He send a couple of raised eyebrow emojis and a quick reply _‘rlly? My nap?’_ while a soft smile adorned his face. Dick was probably tired or bored and he wanted to talk about anything with him, probably he was in a gala or something like that where a phone call could be inappropriate, but he could get a pass with texting. His next text all but confirmed Wally’s suspicions ‘ _Come on, babe. I’m bored. Entertain me_ ’ Followed by a couple clown emojis.

Wally couldn’t keep the giggle that escaped his lips nor his thumbs from moving over the touch screen telling Dick about his next Chemistry assignment. He was making nitrocellulose bombs with cotton, nitric acid and sulfuric acid. The demonstration was supposed to be followed by an exposition on the history of explosives and the chemical reactions behind the early explosive.

He went in full detail about how to cook it and the tests he’d been making at St. Francois. As well as the fact that apparently Speed Force and acids do not mix well. Something he learnt by having a bottle of Sulfuric acid explode on him while he was running, it was only his speed that allowed him to be 150 yards away from the flask once he noticed the temperature was rising. Dick was understandably worried and Wally had to spend the next 25 minutes writing and then talking to him when he called, in order to calm him down (‘ _Of course, I’m fine babe, you just saw me three hours ago’_ ) and then listen to the rant (‘ _Aren’t you supposed to be, like, the chemistry genius around here?’_ ) and finally to promise he was never going to run with glass flasks of acid ever again (‘ _I’m not stupid, babe. Lesson learnt, I promise. I even repurposed the suit’s pockets to safely carry the flasks.’_ ).

They soon moved to different topics, from the latest team mission, to the idea of having Tula and Garth joining the Team, there was also a new protégé form Wonder Woman, a girl named Donna who might actually join.

As in, they might have a _real life_ _Amazonian_ the Team.

That was fucking awesome. Absolutely terrifying… true, but _awesome_.

By the time they hung up, the clock on his bedside table was marking 6:44 and Wally felt relaxed and happy laying there in bed with the phone in his hand, looking at Dick’s goodbye message. He blew a kiss to the contact photo as he sent a couple heart emojis and stood up ready to go down for some snack before dinner.

As he moved through the door, Wally’s eyes travelled down the room and zoomed to his desk and Wally felt the knot in his chest return. The brochure for the ‘reassessment camp’ he’d left forgotten as he came to the room was teasing him, forcing him to swallow the knot back down. Wally moved almost in auto-pilot to grab the document as his mind quickly recounted his conversation with his father.

_‘It’s a camp they run, for people with your problem’_

_‘A reassessment program, based on scientific studies and spiritual guidance.’_

_‘We could spend a couple weeks together before Christmas, as a family.’_

_‘Really nice up there, in the mountains.’_

That last part might actually be true. The front of the brochure was covered by the picture of a big old wooden ranch in a secluded clearing surrounded by large oak trees and some background lake or something. In the middle of the document there were two texts in sharp bold letters.

_A ROAD TO SELF-DISCOVERY_

_A two-week family program for young men who feel conflicted about same sex attraction and want a family-friendly, open and safe space to reassess themselves._

He huffed at it and moved to open the folded document to look at it inside. It both was and wasn’t what he expected.

For one thing, it was way more direct and clearly written than he’d expected. He was expecting a lot of euphemisms and walk-arounds trying to avoid words like homosexuality, gay or same sex attraction. Instead, the first thing he found when he opened the document was two paragraphs talking about same sex relationships by its name and describing it as a “life choice”.

Then two paragraphs on how they could change that choice and “rediscover a full life and reassess their masculinity”. What that meant… he wasn’t entirely certain. They probably meant stuff like be more aggressive, more silently brooding and more you know, Marlboro Man-like.

More stereotypically male.

The next paragraphs went on to explain how this program, while tailored for young man, wasn’t aimed at children. There was a strict above-age-of-consent rule on this program.

There was also a lot of information about how they were not a therapy, not a clinic and not a health service provider, despite being run by a psychologist. They said it so many times Wally was beginning to think they must be exploiting some legal loophole that required them to say that. Probably some tax incentive. That, or they’re avoiding some regulations.

Neither option was comforting, really.

He turned on the back of the Brochure and it said what they did. A bunch of nice words that actually sounded like things a psychologist would try to use like Guided Meditation, Shame Release, Role Adaptation, Controlled Confrontation, or Inner-Affirmation. It also said that all activities were conducted both individually with _volunteers_ , and then also in group.

It sounded like a lot of talking and counselling and a bunch of people trying one way or another to get into your head that _you´re sick, but its ok, because family’s here_.

Wally sighed and dropped the document on the desk again.

_Why was he even considering this?_

Bullshit, each and every word on that paper.

They say it’s not therapy, but use _therapy-like_ treatments.

They say they want to reassess his masculinity. Well, his masculinity’s _fine, thank you very much_.

So he’s not this macho man, but he’s smart and kind, and funny and he likes that about him.

He enjoys going a couple round on the mat against Kaldur and Conner fist to fist, and at the same time he likes to sit and watch rom-coms with Arty.

He loves pulling pranks on every one of them and listen to Megan tell him stories while she cooks.

He likes to run and feel the wind in his… well actually he likes the feeling of wind everywhere, and he loves the feeling of lightning on his cells.

He enjoys the verbal banter with the Flash’s Rogues and while he dislikes being injured, he would break every bone in his body if it meant saving one more person.

He was Wally West, and he was a man.

So what if he also happened to like to do all those things and _also_ _likes Dick_.

Pun _very much_ intended.

If that wasn’t enough to be _masculine_ , well then _fuck their masculinity_.

_‘Why am I even considering this?’_

_…_

_‘You’re going to make your Mom so happy, kid.’_

-_-_-_-_-

“I’m s-, they want _what_?” Dick asked dumbfounded his ears ringing from Wally talking to him, because… _he couldn’t be talking seriously, could he…?_

_…_

And Dick’s day was going _so_ well until now.

It was a top day, to close a top week in what had been one of the best Novembers in recent history.

He was _acing_ his sophomore year. He’d pulled the rug under Scarecrow’s latest fear gas production before even Batman came to the scene. He’d scored his highest ever battle simulation. And he’d run his _thirteenth_ successful mission as in-field leader.

And the cherry on the cake. Wallace Rudolph West, the Kid Flash, fastest teen alive, had agreed to _date him_. And they were getting to the two-month mark, in just 8 days.

_Not that he’s counting._

And they had been some amazing two months. Dick wasn’t about to wax some poetry about how Wally’s eyes were… they were…

_Blank._

_Really?_

Anywho… the point is that even if they weren’t exactly _romantic_ , they were perfect for each other. _Perfect_.

As in, the Gods sculpt them to fit the other, perfect.

Wally made Dick laugh in a world where all he saw was darkness, sadness, loneliness and pain. And Dick made Wally relax in a world that moved in nanoseconds. For two people known for being quick-witted and talkative, they made silence comfortable for the other. They pranked, and trained, and talked and kissed.

God, the kisses.

He could definitely write some poems about Wally’s kisses. They felt… so- so…

_Seriously?_

_Blank, again?_

_What-ever. They’re **good**. Period._

And that’s the problem.

Because Wally was good to Dick. And Dick was good to Wally. Or at least Dick had been operating under the presumption that he was, considering the whole kissing and being together all the time thing they had going on, until, like, _two minutes ago_ , when Wally barged into his room, demanded to speak and decided to lead with…

“A conversion camp.” Wally said looking at him, with his legs crossed in front of Dick, both currently sitting on his bed. “They want me to try to put this behind me. To try as a family.” Dick had to reset his train of thought a couple times, because he was just not getting the message quite across.

So, Wally’s dad had gone to Wally’s home a couple days back. _Which, MAJOR news, BTW._

He’d gone to try and talk to Wally about forgiveness or whatever. And his way of doing so is…

“To try to make you… not-gay” he finished out loud to try and get the concept right. Not gay. _Ex_ -gay, if Dick remembers correctly. “Walls, those places… They’re…”

A _conversion camp_.

He shuddered to think of that. Half a year ago, Bats broke into one of _those places_ in Gotham that was operating as a front for a prostitution ring. Child prostitution. Bats had taken that one _solo_ , as he did all cases that involved children being abused or that he deemed too gory for Robin.

Which by itself should give an idea of how this place operated.

They got the children under the false idea that they could ‘correct them’, and instead sold them as male-whores for wealthy ladies after pumping them full of sex-enhancing drugs. Turns out some parents had been told about this by their children and they believed it was part of the _sex-_ therapy they were paying for… Dick felt a cold shiver down his spine thinking about someone trying to do something like this to their kid, only to remember why he was thinking about this.

Logic dictated not every place was like that and Dick wanted to think that most people weren’t trying to create child prostitution rings with gay kids. Most people might even believe in…

But still…

“I thought they had banned those places.” Dick murmured weakly, he remembered the passing of the law, shortly after the case was brought to the public.

“Not in Missouri.” Wally replied with a shrug “There, people… frown upon them, I guess? _Some_ people… I don’t really know.” Wally fished a folded paper from his wallet and handed it to Dick. It was a flyer from this place. A _beautiful fucking cabin_. Typical stock photo of a cabin in the woods.

_Half the fucking horror movies start with a flyer like this._

“This is the place. It’s a two week not-a-therapy therapy program that families go to work out… I don’t know. How to be normal, I guess?” And Dick wished he wasn’t trained by the World’s Greatest Detective, because he was picking a lot of information he wished he was ignorant about, like the fact that Wally had obviously gone to this place, and the fact that his verb choices and voice inflections showed a clear intent.

And the fact that his eyes keep darting towards the flyer wishfully.

_He wants to go._

_He fucking wants to go, and he didn’t came here to decide… He’s coming here to **inform** **me**. _

“You’re thinking about this!” Dick half asked half stated looking at Wally who shrugged in the most obvious way possible.

“I mean… yes?” Dick felt a knife going down his heart at hearing that, but also a small fire settled on his veins. 

“Come on, babe!” he screamed standing up, not being able to deal with stillness anymore, he started walking around the room looking at the stupid flyer that promised a path out of homosexuality.

_Yeah, right._

“It’s my dad, D. He came, after four years. He came and he asked me to try something. Shouldn’t I at least… I don’t know. Try?” Wally said, and Dick felt like kicking Rudolph West’s ass.

Maybe Roy’s plan had had some merit after all.

_How the fuck does he dare to come up with such a plan and try to emotionally coerce Wally into this? Fuck your dad, he can’t ask this of you._

He bit his tongue and huffed “To try… to be _normal_ ” he completed. _God, I hate that word._

“I know you hate that word, D” Wally said calmly and Dick felt even worst by the fact that Wally knew him so well. Wally was looking at him pleadingly, although what he wanted was beyond Dick. He could _see_ how distressed his boyfriend was over this, and had it been any other thing Wally’s father had asked of him, anything else, Dick would be helping him, but right now, all he could feel a dark fire burn in him. “But yeah, I… It’s my dad, my folks. They wanna try this as a family. I can’t exactly turn them away without trying.”

Dick huffed and turned. “Yeah, you can. This is about you, Walls. About _who you are_.”

“Don’t you think I don’t get that?” Wally turned and faced him “But… They want me to, D. It would meant the world to them. And I went there; it’s a nice place, and the rules are clear it’s a self-regulated thing, I can leave any time I want. I… I just have to try. Maybe if they see me making an effort. A true effort, they’ll realize- Maybe if we talk and they see, that I’m not just… Maybe… I mean, what do I have to lose?”

_What…_

Dick felt himself grew hotter by the second. _He’s joking, right?_

‘ _What do I have to lose?’_

_What about everything? Huh?_

_What about him? His own fucking mental health?_

_What about…_ “Me?” he asked looking hurt at Wally. Wally whispered something that sounded a lot like _Babe_. But Dick wasn’t having any of it.

“Well, it’s what you’ll lose.” Dick said not thinking about his words, only feeling the hurt and the dark fire burning inside of him. “I mean, you’ll also lose a very important part of yourself, but, you know, that’s just interchangeable, right? Gay, Lesbian, Straight… That’s just _shit_ , right? You’ll go there, they’ll flip a switch and bam. You’re _normal._ That’s all you’ve always wanted, right? Fuck me, fuck yourself. As long as you’re _normal._ You don’t really give a shit. I don’t mean shit to you. We. Us. That’s just a _deviation”_ He ranted looking directly at Wally.

“D…” Wally tried to start, but Dick huffed and stopped him, unable to reign in his mouth. “No, Walls, that’s what I’m getting from this. _Worthless shit_ this whole thing we had, if you can just pocket it and go pretend to be straight for your stupid parents.” Dick closed his eyes at that and sighed.

_Fuck._

He hadn’t meant to go there. He hadn’t meant to insult his boyfriend’s parents.   _Even if they totally deserved it._

He… the feeling in his chest was burning through his body and Dick only wanted Wally to break that stupid document and tell him he was joking or that he didn’t wanted to go. That… That he didn’t wanted to go through with this, because he meant more to him than this stupid idea. That Wally wanted to be with him. Not going through this bullshit of an idea.

‘ _What do I have to lose?’_

Wally only whimpered and looked at him hurt. _Yep, that was definitively too far._

Dick moved closer to put a hand on Wally’s shoulder and looked at him trying to keep his voice leveled, trying to reign in the fear and anger he was feeling.

“Sorry… I’m sorry babe…” He moved his hand to Wally’s arm and looked him directly to the eyes. The beautiful, wonderful green eyes he was _not_ losing today. “Look. I… I think I understand what you’re going through, Walls, but…”

“No Dick, you don’t.” Dick closed his mouth and looked at Wally who’d just looked sadly at him, and Dick confirmed he’d gone too far. He moved to try and comfort him, but Wally stood up and now he was the one sitting on the bed this time, watching Wally go up and down the room “You don’t know what it’s like to have parents that hate you, to disappoint them to the point they don’t even wanna raise you, don’t wanna see you.” Wally was at the brink of tears right now and Dick felt his heart shrink at the sight of it.

Wally shook his head and composed his voice before continuing.

“It’s really hard, D. And you’ve seen how it messed with me… To lose them. And now they want a chance. I- I owe them that. I owe my parents to _try_. You don’t know what it means to me that they reached out… and… I have to do this for them. I don’t wanna keep acting like my parents are dead to me. At least your parents are really dead, but mine aren’t and it kills me that-” Wally kept saying something but Dick didn’t heard a word he was saying. He just sat there in a weightless mindless vacuum.

_He…_

_Wally hadn’t just…_

The fire reignited within him and before he had a chance to think about it his hand was flying up connecting on Wally’s face effectively shutting him up.

_‘At least your parents are really dead’_

The images of his dad and his mom falling from the trapeze appeared clear on his head. _At… Least?_ The fire raged on and he looked at Wally’s stupid face making a weird shape, like he was confused. _He didn’t even realize…_

_Well, fuck him._

He had _no right_.

Wally might be his boyfriend, he might be his best friend. He might be the most important person in Dick’s life, but…

_At Least…_

_What kind on an asshole wishes for his boyfriend’s parents to be dead?_

_No…_

_I’m not a boyfriend, I’m a fucking **obstacle** in his way to be _ normal _._

Dick felt the fury envelop him and it took a considerable amount of restrain not to turn his hand and slap that stupid hurt face out of Wally’s face, because he looked lost and stupid right now, like he was the one to be offended. And Dick wanted to hit him, he wanted to…

_At Least…_

_Fuck you…_

Realization must have dawned on Wally because his eyes opened up and his hand flew to his stupid mouth realizing the lack of mouth-brain filter “Oh my G-” he tried to sound ashamed, or maybe he was, Dick didn’t knew, but right now, the sound of Wally’s voice got under Dick’s skin, like an electric current slithering between skin and muscle and it made Dick shiver in disgust.

_‘At least, they’re dead.’_

‘ _What do I have to lose?’_

And suddenly Dick realized he didn’t wanted to keep listening to this.

If Wally wanted to please his fucking parents and pretend to be _normal_ , he could just fucking do it. He hadn’t come here to talk, he’d come here to inform him. He’d come to him with a decision. To tell him he was a fucking obstacle. That he didn’t mattered. That _they_ hadn’t mattered.

That he should be _fucking happy his mom and dad were dead_.

Dick didn’t had to listen to him.

He didn’t needed this. _He_ …

“Get out” he growled. His mouth was dry and his tongue felt like sandpaper inside of it, make it really difficult to talk, and those two words left a sour taste in his mouth.

“Dick, I… I didn’t meant it like...” Wally’s voice ricocheted in his mind ‘ _What do I have to lose?’_

“Get out, Wally.” Dick growled as he started to grow frustrated when the redheaded man just stood there, stupidly looking at him.

_What the fuck does he wants from me? Isn’t he trying to break up? Well, good fucking job._

“D…” Dick put his hands up and started pushing Wally out, not finding any resistance in his boyfriend’s body “Get. The. Fuck. Out” he yelled punctuating his words with pushes until he was by the door. Wally kept saying his name and asking him to… something, all Dick was hearing were the screams of their parents, and the silence of the circus tent, and the horrible snap of those cords as they broke. _‘At least, they’re dead.’_  

“D…” Wally tried to say something else, and Dick had enough of that slithering voice getting under him.

“No” he said strongly, heeling his voice grew hoarse due to his dry mouth. “Fuck you, Wally. I don’t care what you have to say. I don’t give a shit what you’re going through. That… That was…” _Horrible._

_Distasteful._

_A fucking assholish move._

_A knife to my chest. A low blow, something I’ll expect from Joker or Fucking Two-face, not from my boyfriend._

_Ex-boyfriend…_

“Leave” he said drained and tired.

“Please, I need...”

“Leave! Get the fuck out of here!” Dick had enough. He didn’t care what Wally needed, he didn’t care what he wanted. But, once he started to yell he couldn’t stop. “I don’t want to see your stupid face! Isn’t this what you wanted?!  Well, just LEAVE ME. THE FUCK. ALONE!” Dick let himself see the tears on Wally’s face before the air around him changed and Wally wasn’t there anymore, but Dick felt the burning in his chest tightened so he kept yelling at the empty space “YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! YOU FUCKING STUPID ASSHOLE!!” he said feeling his own eyes burning. He grabbed the door and slammed it hard before turning around and walking to the bed, just barely stopping himself from dropping into the bed to bury his head in the pillows.

It might be stupid, but he didn’t wanted to go all movie break-up.

He refused to.

He wasn’t _breaking_ , even with how his heart was burning. _Fuck Wally._

_‘At least, they’re dead.’_

Fuck him.

Fuck everything about him.

Dick moved to kick the chair and felt a little adrenaline releasing from him. He kicked the bedpost and the burning in him increased. So he turned around and started kicking and punching everything around him, feeling the hot metallic burning in his muscles increase and subside the fire within him.

_Fuck him._

How does he dare speaking of his dad? ‘ _At least, he’s dead.’_

How does he dare speak of his mom? _‘At least, she’s dead.’_

How the fuck does he dare _wish them dead_? _‘At least, they’re dead.’_

_How the fuck does he dare **leave** him?_ ‘ _What do I have to lose?’_

Dick stopped when that thought crossed his mind and looked around him, and saw the state of his room. Only the bed was still standing, the rest of his room was a mess of broken and fallen things. He turned around feeling guilty and frustrated and the feeling only increased when he looked at the door.

“…the fuck do _you_ want?” he said with a sore throat. Bruce looked around and walked into the room, closing the door behind him.

“What happened?” His voice was guarded, and Dick felt the concern laced in the deep intonation of that voice. He didn’t care. He was too tired and too angry… and too broken to really focus on that. And Bruce was a good outing for that anger. “Fuck off, Bruce. I can’t deal with you right now.”

Bruce simply hummed in a non-committal sound and walked in. Dick huffed and moved away from him, only to notice the suit.

One of Bruce’s business suits.

He was wearing that suit for his meeting with the Board members.

_The meeting that was supposed to last the whole day._

Dick felt his anger be replaced by humiliation. The whole Board of Directors of WE had just heard him having a shouting match with his boyfriend. No wonder Bruce was here. Dick’d probably humiliated him, not being the perfect little ward. _Well, fuck them too_ “Don’t you have guests to entertain?” he asked him without looking at him.

He caught Bruce’s shaking his head as he said “They left.” _I told them to leave._

Dick felt bile raise in his throat and shame fill his mind. “Sorry” he murmured, although he didn’t felt sorry at all. His boyfriend had just came to tell him…

Dick didn’t even wanted to think what Wally wanted…

“It’s okay. Everyone’s allowed a good shouting every once in a while” Bruce’s voice cut through his thoughts and Dick just shrugged as he moved to fix his room, standing there with Bruce his adrenaline was receding and he just felt tired, the anger and frustration leaving his body.

He picked a couple things to put them on his bed when a hand appeared on his shoulder, he turned around ready to swat that hand away, only to be trapped in a hug. His whole body froze suddenly embraced by Bruce, but the warmth of the hard muscle and rough musk enveloped him so fully Dick felt like a nine year old who’d suddenly lost his whole world and only that strong embrace and firm grasp were keeping him anchored to reality.

The sound that came out of his throat could be considered a whimper, but it was so deep and hurt that it appeared like a wounded howl to his ears. The tears that had been stubbornly capsuled behind his eyelids started to fall freely through his cheeks and Dick barely thought how unfair it was that it was _Bruce_ , the same man he had been thinking about emancipating from because he was emotionally stunted, was the one able to break him with just a gesture.

“It’s gonna be ok, Dick” Bruce’s voice came through the torrent of emotions and the sound of his own throat struggling from air. Dick tried to huff and chuckle darkly at the same time, but again, what came from his throat was something entirely different. “You don’t even know what happened.”

Bruce’s hug tightened and he continued to whisper against his ear “I _know_ you. I know how strong you are. You’ve made Robin into a hero worthy of Gotham. Whatever this is, you’ll get over it and stand stronger.”

Dick actually huffed at the clichéd sentence, even though the words filled him with warmth and Dick calmed himself enough to stand alone, away from Bruce. He took a step back giving Dick some personal space.

“I… Thanks, Bruce” he said after a second. Bruce looked around the room, probably looking for anything that might bury the fact that he let himself be emotional for, like a second. “Don’t let Alfred look at this. He might actually scream at you.” Dick huffed. _Yeah. Right…._

-_-_-_-

The beeping to his cellphone woke him up. He’d fallen asleep after fixing up most the room. He looked a little disoriented at his room and then moved to grab his phone with dread. He unlocked the screen and froze.

He looked at the two texts and felt his heart break and the world suddenly felt heavy around him. Dick closed his eyes to prevent the tears from coming freely down his cheeks.

It was just six words, but they felt like the longest, most painful message he’d ever read.

Just six words.

**_Wally (2)_ **

_I have to do this. - Today at 9:39 pm_

_Sorry - Today at 9:39 pm_


	2. Chapter 2

 “Son? You can’t have that here.” Wally looked up to see a middle aged man with a green hoodie and the white _Road to Self-Discovery_ cap that was looking at him frowning. “Your watch.” _Oh._

He looked down and saw the _watch_ the volunteer was talking about. He’d read in the program’s website that electronic devices were forbidden.

Because coming here wasn’t weird enough, he was also completely cut down from 21st century society. He kind of got the point. This place is confidential and they wanted to create a _safe-space_. The risk of having everyone’s stories and experiences leaked and published made the rule kind of justified. But still, Wally couldn’t shake the feeling that it was more of a ‘ _you’re isolated_ rule’, meant to create a closed environment that cut them out from whatever they could consider an _outside influence_.

Still, the _watch_ wasn’t exactly a watch. Not completely. It was an emergency transmitter that acted like a beacon if he was in danger and as an alert if he was needed for any emergency. His Uncle had talked to the Team and Bats and had managed to free him for those two weeks, so he’ll only get called if it was an end-of-the-world kind of thing. He wasn’t going to remove it. “It- It’s not a watch” Wally said looking at Green Hoodie. The website had an exception to the electronic devices rule, so Wally knew what to say. “It’s a medical device. I have a weird blood thing, I have to keep checking my pressure and eat like every 20 minutes. This keeps track of it for me.”

The lie came out smoothly and he flashed the guy an easy smile to try to convince him. _Keep it simple, keep it easy_. He speed-changed the settings and showed the display to the guy. Currently, it should show his blood pressure and glucose levels. Both things he’d actually programmed into the device so that he could also keep a count of when he needed to have his next protein bar.

Green Hoddie checked it and hummed while he wrote something on his pad. He was ushered into the cabin where his parents were waiting for him. He flashed them a smile and went there, trying with all his might to squash the horrible feeling that was setting in his belly.

He hadn’t seen his father again since that afternoon when he invited him here, and he hadn’t seen his mother since he’d gone to live with his aunt. And the pit in his stomach turned painfully looking at her. _His mom_. She was looking good. Wally moved closer to her and tried to look her in the eyes but she was looking down, messing with a chain and then her rings.

_She’s avoiding me._

The pit grew and it took all his energy and self-control to smile and try to act his normal cheery over-confident self.  “Well. We’re here” he stated with a toothy smile, as if he’d just arrived after a late school practice, and not four years of silence and separation.

“Yeah, champ. We are,” his father said, also with a smile. He must have noticed his mom’s uneasiness because he immediately tried to make her join the conversation. “Mary already went to check on the cabins, we’re on number...” His mom looked up and finally locked eyes with him, Wally could see some wetness in them and she was a little flushed on the cheeks. Wally didn’t let his smile waver for a second as she visibly swallowed before answering. “Eight” She said “It is kind of cozy. A little small, and there’s a single space, so…” She hadn’t stopped messing with the rings as she spoke and Wally just decided to barrel through the awkwardness.

This is supposed to be his chance to get together with his parents. To _be_ together.

_Despite…_

“It’ll be ok. We’ll be together. We’ve shared a room before.” They had. Money wasn’t exactly plentiful growing up, so almost every vacation they had ended up sharing a single room in hotels or cabins.

His mom smiled at him and said “Like that time in Alaska, remember?” Wally’s smile grew more real this time. Yeah, he remembered. It had been his twelfth birthday. They’d gone to Anchorage after his father had seen a documentary about the city. It was supposed to be a nice change, a cold summer. Instead of going to the beach and get toasty, they’d go to a cabin in the mountains and just spend time together.

It kinda backfired on them since day one.

“Yeah. Dad tried to turn on the chimney without taking the cap and the smoke ended up covering the house. The neighbors called the Fire Department on us” he reminisced with a smile. The whole cabin had ended up smoked and his dad hadn’t known what was happening. It wasn’t until the humiliating moment a fireman told him to open a valve to let the smoke leave the house that his father realized what he’d done wrong.

“Hey! How was I supposed to know they covered the thing?” His dad said indignantly, but he was smiling, and so was his mom, who just huffed and said “All my clothes kept smelling like charcoal for the whole trip. People kept asking us to go to the smoker area in restaurants.” Wally let a full laugh at that, remembering the incidents his mom was talking about. And of course, him being a twelve year old, made it all worse for his parents who had to endure comments about the irresponsibility of smoking with a child in the room. The icing on the cake had been the burly guy in the bar who went on a five minute rant on second-hand smoke and how it killed children and pets.

He mentioned it and his mom and dad joined in a shared laugh about it, his dad making a very good interpretation of the guy. Wally let his smile dance freely on his face feeling a lot lighter than he’d felt in a long time, looking at his parents laugh with him.

His mom smiled at him and took a step towards him before enveloping him in a tight hug that caused Wally to stop breathing. “I’ve missed you Wally-bear” Wally would normally groan at the pet name, because it honestly made no sense, but right now, he was having a hard time not crying when he heard it. It’d been over four years since someone called him that. “Missed you too, mom” he managed to choke out closing his eyes hard to prevent the tears from coming.

He took a deep breath and moved away from his mom when he heard one of the volunteers clearing his throat and telling everyone to move into the conference room.

The Conference room was a huge wooden room on the side of the main cabin, it was a long rectangular room with a small atrium at the end. The whole room was covered in a weird orange light and the room had four massive wooden columns on each side that held transverse columns that Wally noticed were meant to _look_ rustic and natural, he resisted the urge to actually go and touch the columns to see if they were actual wood.

The room was artificially illuminated by a series of hanging chandeliers that gave the place a sort of old vibe he didn’t quite enjoyed, but it also provided a nice contrast with the technological set-up on the atrium with a bunch of projectors, a sound system, and what honestly looked like a DJ stand. The place was probably used often as a reception hall of some kind. Probably for weddings.

Wally could totally see someone wanting to marry in a place like this, especially on spring with all the opened windows and the flower arrangements. Right now, in early December, it looked dark and cold. If he were a little more superstitious he’d feel this was a bad omen.

Right now, though, the hall was empty except from a couple rows of foldable metal chairs that totally clashed with the décor. He’d kind of expected heavy wooden chairs, to be honest. He moved up to sit on the front of the place, but his father grabbed his arm and held them on the back. Wally pouted a little but sat on the second-last row and sent his father a bored expression he just rolled with.

Wally was used to sit first and in the middle. He was kind of a teacher’s pet, so he liked being there. Especially on science classes. Literature and Social studies… yeah, those he sat on the back. His parents though, were more of the back-of-the-classroom kind of people, trying not to call too much attention to them.

The room filled quite fast and Wally was surprised to see there were actually quite a lot of people. He’d expected three, maybe four families, but a quick headcount told him there were at least 30 people in the room; if he was reading the room correctly, that made almost 12 families or couples in the room. He could see the little groups of two-to-four people that probably constituted individual families. Everyone was kind of by themselves.

“Welcome everyone” Wally turned his head to look at the person speaking from the back of the room. A man, probably around 40-ish was walking up to the front “I suppose most of you know me, I am Father Willis and I’ll be the Spiritual Guide for you in this little program.” Wally looked at the man and quickly recognized him as one of the people that featured prominently in this place’s website. Also, he was the old friend his father had talked about when he introduced him to the program.

The _‘we didn’t fight enough’_ guy. 

“I want to start by introducing everyone to Dr. Charles Thomas he’s the head psychologist in this program and the person who’ll direct our actions for the next two-weeks.” Wally looked at the person being introduced, the second guy in the website, and the psychologist who was actually in charge of the place. Dr. Charles Thomas was a psychologist from New Jersey, a Gothamite who’d moved into the country and started a whole ex-gay movement in Missouri, Kansas and Nebraska.

Father Willis was giving everyone a rundown of Doc’s experience and Wally zoned out as he already knew most of the guy’s life story from his internet searches on him. Wally wasn’t sure if he liked him. On one hand, he actually seemed to believe in what he was selling and looked convinced enough about his program. On the other hand, he kept insisting on introducing himself as a man of science, despite finishing each introduction to his program with the whole _not-a-therapy_ speech that Wally kept thinking was just a tax incentive thing. One the few interviews he found on the guy, he’d hit a middle ground between a tele-evangelist and one of those T.V. science pundits that had actually ticked Wally off a little, he’d almost decided not to go with it, until he went to talk to Dick-

Wally sighed and tried to focus back on the pastor. No need of thinking about Dick. He’d done a decent job of driving him out of his mind the past week and a half, no need to think of him here. He closed his fist and drew a deep breath trying to control his heart and prevent the treacherous tears that kept prickling in his eyelids.

_Do. Not._

Thankfully a clapping started and Wally was drawn out of his thoughts by the room, as Dr. Thomas walked up to the stage.

“Hi everyone. Thank you Father Willis for your words” he said nodding to the pastor “Well… I want to start this program with two words. Safe Space. This right here is a safe space. This whole program. This environment. This _time_. All of this is a safe space. Safe from recrimination. Safe from expectations. Safe from hatred and any negative feelings.”

“Safe for you to start a process of _self-discovery._ And that is the second word I want you to understand. We’re not here to guide you. We’re not here to direct you. We’re here for you to define who you are. This is not a therapy program where I’m aiming to give you a “diagnosis,” or a “treatment plan,” there are no counseling or advice-giving programs. We’re here to have an intensive personal-growth workshop that is designed to touch deep emotions, raise self-understanding and build self-esteem. We want you to be assertive. To decide who you want to be.”

“We’re not here for you to be _normal_. We’re here to help you be yourself. The best self you can be. Not determined by social standards, or personal feelings. Or sexual attraction. You don’t have to be defined by who you feel attracted to. You can be defined by who you want to be…”

Wally was drown out of Dr. Thomas’ speech by a loud scoffing on the middle of the room followed by a short shush that sparked a wave of murmurs in the room. He tried to look ahead to see who’d made that sound and realized the rest of the room was doing the same. Dr. Thomas immediately looked at them and said a short scolding sound. Wally frowned at that and sit back looking at him and trying to assess how the psychologist was going to handle this. “Who did that? Who scoffed?” Doc came closer to the middle of the room where the sound had come from, no one was speaking and Wally honestly believed no one was going to, but apparently Doc was more adept at reading crowds than Wally was, because he quickly identified the source and said “Please remember this is a safe space. What is your name?”

A kid, roughly his age stood up after being confronted. “Charles” he huffed with a confrontational voice. Wally looked up at Charles. A lean brunette with short hair and long limbs wearing an oversized jacked, ripped jeans and _was that an eyebrow piercing?_ All in all, Wally saw a typical teenager in kind of a rebellious streak. “Oh, a namesake. Hi, Charles. Nice to meet you.” Doc said and turned around and looked beyond him to a seated person beside Charles that Wally couldn’t see.

“And you’re Charles mom.” Doc stated, receiving what must have been a nod, but Wally couldn’t really see it. “Well, mom. I’m gonna have to scold _you_ a little. That shushing. That cannot happen here. Remember, this is a safe space. No one can feel like they can’t say something. Recrimination and constrictions are forbidden here.” Wally looked up to see Doc and frowned a little. That was good and all, but he kind of didn’t believed the full honesty on Doc’s part, he’d certainly been annoyed at the interruption. Doc then moved to see the kid and said “So Charles. You just scoffed at me. Why?”

The kid looked annoyed and huffed and started talking. “Well, you said this is a place for self-determination. That I don’t have to be defined by who I’m attracted to, but that’s what you’re doing. This whole thing is predicated upon the fact that it’s wrong for me to be attracted to men, and that I SHOULD be attracted to women, when I’m not.” The annoyance and disregard for this program was patent in Charles’ voice, and everyone in the room was noticing it. Wally turned around and saw both his parents with a frown on their faces looking at the kid as if he’d personally affronted _them_.

But the thing was… Wally kind of got Charles’ point.  Why talk about choices and self-determination when the whole point of the camp was to _change_ _them_? Wally looked around and the room was divided between the frowners, mostly parents and some kids; the interested, like himself; and a couple nodders, although those were only two or three young men.

Still, most of the room was uncomfortable now, and Doc noticed it, because he immediately looked around and said “Safe space”. Most of the frowners tried – and failed – to put a neutral face while Doc talked to the kid. “I hear you, Charles. But if you’re here, it’s because you feel that being attracted to men is not what you want. That maybe you want to feel different.”

Charles actually scoffed at that and crossed his arms. “I’m here because my mother can’t deal with the fact that I’m gay.” he practically screamed at them and a couple gasps were heard on the room, but Dr. Thomas remained unfazed. He simply shrugged and said “Leave then”.

The room went quiet and the Kid actually let his stance fall for a second “What?” he asked looking at him as if he was crazy. Dr Thomas smiled a little but covered it fast, although not fast enough so a speedster wouldn’t notice, he was evidently satisfied that his reaction had cut through the kid’s thought process. “If the only reason you’re here is because of peer-pressure or because your parents made you, then leave. Empower yourself to be defined by your sexuality and walk away.”

Wally frowned at that.

‘ _Way to de-power the word’_ He thought. Empowerment was a key concept in the LGBT discourse, and by using it to describe the action of _walking away_ in a negative connotation, Doc was talking the word and turning it into a bad action. Wally couldn’t help but look more closely at Doc’s expressions and his mind went on full alert.

_This guy’s good._ He leaned up in his chair to pay more attention to the conversation.

“What?” _Charles_ was obviously caught off guard by Doc’s words.

“Everyone, listen carefully. This is a Road to _Self_ -Discovery. Not a road to parent-pleasing. Not a road to peer-satisfaction. _Self_. You are the key to your own future. Not your parents. Not your peers. You. If you're here because you want your parents to be happy, this is not for you. If you’re here to please a girlfriend, or a friend, or… _your_ _dog_ … leave. _This_ is not for you.”

“If you’re here because people have been telling you that it’s wrong for you to be gay, or that you’re going to Hell, or that you are not achieving your potential. Leave. There’s nothing wrong with being gay. There’s no Hell waiting for you because of how you feel. And you can be pretty successful and live a complete life as a homosexual men. I won’t tell you otherwise.”

Wally saw how many of the young men were shifting uneasy on the chairs, and how most of the parents were actually looking a little surprised. Probably most of them were expecting a whole discourse of how this program was going to help them overcome the _deviations_ and _conditions_ of their children. To hear the director of the program telling them that they weren’t was probably a shock. Which, Wally admitted, was probably half the reason he was doing it. However, Wally had heard enough of his interviews to know how Dr. Thomas felt about it. ‘ _Same-Sex attraction as a choice’._ Doc believes he helps people make a choice.

That’s his whole sell.

Wally risked a glance at his parents. Dad looked at Doc surprised but he looked like he was receptive to the ideas. His mom though… She was looking all but disgusted at Doc.

‘ _Sinner – Sodomite…_ ’

Wally swallowed and mentally swatted the memory away, focusing on Doc.

“ _But._ If you think there’s another way for you. If you believe that having a same sex attraction is hindering, rather than fulfilling your life. If you think that being gay is something that has affected some part of you. If you believe, whole heartedly, that you’ll be better off without those feelings. If you think your life will gain, rather than loose something by being here… then stay. It has to be you who decides it.”

“Charles. I won’t tell you what to do. The door is open. It was open when you entered, and it will be when you decide to leave. Whether you do it now, before we begin; because you feel it’s not for you; or if it is later, once you’ve tried and decided this is not for you. Or if it is at the end, after two weeks; feeling like a more assertive, understanding and whole person…. It’s up to you. I won’t judge. No one here will. Because this is a safe…” he waited for the room to finish with him “space.”

Charles was sitting back and was evidently throwing daggers at Doc. Wally bit his lip thinking about him. Charles was probably doing this as some sort of forced program and he obviously was counting on being disruptive and uncooperative. The fact that Doc had walked over his interruption was probably a low blow for him.

_Then leave…_

Kid probably couldn’t. Maybe he didn’t had anyone else to turn to and was here forced. He’d read about it several times. Children forced into conversion camps with the hanging threat of being left on the street. He wasn’t on that situation, not quite. His Aunt and Uncle had been very clear about it. He was to leave as soon as he felt uneasy.

But he was doing this for his parents. To gain his family.

Despite what Doc was saying, this wasn’t a thing of _self_ for him. This was about gaining his parents back.

“Now, where was I?” Doc looked lost for a second before nodding and getting back on track “Right. Self. You have to define who you are. You have to reassert your masculinity and be willing to choose who you want to be. Now, Safe. Self. There’s another S. Social. Humans are Social Animals. That is one of Aristotle most famous quotes. We tend to rely on society to be able to live. To thrive. No man is an island. Also a quote from John Donne. We live and we exist within a social structure because we can’t allow ourselves to be just _us._ Even in the creation of Self, we look into society.”

“And the key block in society is Family. Family is the basis of human social interaction. You are here with your family, because you need a social net. If you want to define who you are, you need your family at your side to be the building block that helps you achieve that Self-Determination. They will be your backbone to help you achieve your goals.”

“Now, as for the programs themselves…”

Wally spaced out again when the program talk started. He’d read enough about it and he wasn’t really interested in hearing about it again. Instead, he decided to turn on Doc’s words.

He hadn’t said anything particularly earth-shattering. Nothing new, just a bunch of cliché words and quotes about how it’s important to be you and how family matters. This was half the reason why Wally was so _not_ into self-help books.

He wasn’t the sharpest guy out there, and honestly after working with Dick… with _Bats_ , he knew what real mental acuity meant. But he was smart _enough_ to come up with most of those half assed sentences himself and quite honestly they didn’t told him anything he could _work_ with.

Chemistry formulas. Mathematic equations. Physic principles. Those were clear cut. He could understand them, work with them. Make them work for him in his problems.

These nebulous _life is worth it if you assert yourself_ statements… Yeah, those weren’t for him. He couldn’t _use_ those. Wally sighed and tried to follow Doc talking about how Shame Release was supposed to help them identify the source of their insecurities…

_My parents abandoned me the next day they found out I was gay. That’s a pretty good source of insecurity…_

He shushed the thought on his mind. He was supposed to move _from_ this. He was supposed to be trying to get them back. He couldn’t be held back like this. He needed…

Wally looked down to Charles. The guy who’d interrupted the conference, he was completely slumped in the chair looking bored out of his mind. Wally confirmed his theory that he wasn’t in this for the not-a-therapy. Wally wasn’t either… if he was being honest with himself, he wasn’t. He was in this for his parents. To try and give himself a chance to be the kid they wanted to have.

‘ _If you're here because you want your parents to be happy, this is not for you._ ’

Doc’s words made his way into his mind. But, then again, he wasn’t here to make his parents happy. He was here to make his parents realize he was taking the chance they were giving him. He was here to be whole again with them. That was enough. If he can change himself to make it happen…

He could do this. He could make his parents happy, he could have a happy family, and have their support. And be whole.

‘ _If you think your life will gain, rather than loose something by being here… then stay._ ’

He’ll gain his parents. And he doesn’t have anything to lose. He already lost it by coming here… He’d already lost Dick.

_Don’t think about that… Don’t think about him…_

_Think about anything else-_

“I can see you’re already tired. And you want nothing more than for me to shut up.” Wally turned up to see Doc talking and regulated his breath fighting the disgusting feeling in his gut and the tears threatening to come to his eyes. “So, I’m gonna finish with a little task. Something small for our first SELF program. I want you to ask yourselves, young men, why are you here? That’s it. I want you to go, have dinner and think on your _own_ reason. Not your family, not your peers. You. Why are _you_ here? Tomorrow you’ll talk with some of our volunteers in our first Inner Affirmation program about your reasons.” _Great_.

“Now, we have a beautiful dinner buffet waiting, and I don’t know you, but I’ve been smelling that cornbread and I’m dying to get me some. So let’s go eat and we can officially start this Road of Self-Discovery.”

Everyone laughed and stood up clapping before moving away to the side. Wally actually smelled the food and Doc was right, it did smelled like fried cornbread and that made him realize he was actually hungry. He hadn’t been using his speed these last two weeks, so he could pass with regular teenager food, no need to gulf down half the buffet line all by himself. Plus he was packed with protein bars to last him a month… but still, the smell made him stand up quickly and flash a grin to his parents as he ran a little faster than normal to be the first in the buffet line.

The sound of his mom’s exasperated _Wally_ made him smile.

-_-_-_-_-

Turns out, his mom was right. Cabin Number 8 was _small_.

As in, there’s space for two beds and a couple wardrobes and not much else. Hell, even the space between the beds was barely enough to move one at a time. He groaned entering the room and throwing himself over the pillows.

“Mom. We need to talk about the meaning of _cozy_ ” he complained as he buried his head in the soft white pillow.

“Come on, kiddo. It’s not that bad” said his fa- his _dad_ , settling his suitcase over the bed and opening to arrange the clothes on the left wooden wardrobe. There was another one on his side, probably for him to settle his clothes and personal items, which he had to do… _Later_.

“I’ve seen _busses_ with more leg room.” he continued in the same fake-annoyed voice stretching his legs to touch his parent’s bed to prove his point. His mom giggled behind him and he flashed her a toothy grin. He watched them work on the clothes silently for a couple minutes, before getting bored and speeding to do his, before getting in the bathroom to brush his teeth and take a quick hot shower.

_At least the heating system’s working,_ he thought as he sped into his winter pajamas. He left the bath in a cloud of steam. His parents had finished and his mom was sitting on the bed reading a magazine while his father worked on a puzzle.

They both turned to him as he climbed on the bed and Wally felt they were waiting for him to say something. His mom was the first to break the awkward silence. “So…” she said looking at him eager.

He raised an eyebrow confused at her and replied “So?”

His mother clicked her tongue and explained. “What do you think? Of Dr. Thomas? The program?”

_Right._

Wally bit his lip trying his best to organize his thoughts about this whole idea… “I… I mean it’s kind of what I expected…” He answered. It had been. Some of the things he’d said, particularly to the kid, Charles, had been odd, but then… “I’ve seen some of his interviews online, so this was more or less what I’d heard before… And I’m here to give this a chance. An honest chance.” he finished smiling at them.

_A chance._

That’s what his dad had given him. That’s what he was willing to do. He’d… He could do this…

“That’s great, Walls” His dad said beaming at him and he smiled back “Yeah.”

He bit his lip again, as his dad was about to go back to his crossword… They should probably talk about this… “I…” He said making them both turn again to him and he sat on his bed looking at them. “We’ve… I mean… We should probably also talk…” His mom was nodding, encouraging him to continue, so he took a deep breath and finished the question that was weighing heavy in his mind. “What happens if this doesn’t work?” he asked.

His mom turned to him with a frowning and his dad twisted his lips in a disappointed scowl that made him lower his head. _Fuck, this… this is not what I should be saying…_

_What is wrong with me?_

_I’m supposed to be working it…_

_Stupid Wally_

His mom seemed to notice his internal struggle, because she moved closer and started talking with a stern but soft voice “Wally, you can’t start with a negative attitude” she chastised him and sat close to him in her side of the bed. “We need to work on this together but you need to really commit to be normal. To fight _this_ …”

Wally looked up and notice her struggle to find a word. _Thing… Deviation… sickness…_ He sighed. _Honest chance… remember._ “Attraction” he provided using the term they preferred on the center’s website.

“Yes,” she stated nodding to him, but still with the stern voice “We’ll help you, we’ll be there for you, and as the doctor said, we’ll become your social net. The backbone to support you through this. But you need to put your two cents in.”

Wally nodded. _Yeah, I get that…_

“Sure. No, yeah. I… fully on board with that…” he insisted, trying to draw them into actually talking about this, and remembered what Dr. Charles had said “But Doc also said… It… It’s not for everyone, you know? There’s nothing _wrong_ with being gay. I…” He looked at his mom and his dad, both of them giving him funny looks “I’ll try this. I’ll really try it. But, if it’s not for me… If… I mean you could still be my social net… you could fight, to be with me. Even if I’m… attracted to men…”

His mom shook her head and smiled at him putting a hand on his cheek. Wally couldn’t avoid leaning into the soft skin of his mom’s hand “Don’t set yourself to failure, Wally. Let’s try this. You’ll see, you stand to gain a lot by living a life that’s full. With a family, and a wife and kids… That’s how’s supposed to be,” she moved back and Wally felt his skin grew cold where her hand had been a second ago. “If… If we can’t work it out… We’ll see…”

_‘We’ll see…’_ Wally smiled to himself as he covered himself with the wool sheets. _So there’s a chance…_

-_-_-_-

Wally looked up to the sky feeling completely drained. Second day at this thing and he already felt his head swimming with all the self-help mumbo-jumbo phrases these guys were telling him. He burrowed himself deeper in the large jacket he was wearing to protect himself from the cold wind that was coming down from the mountains.

With the way this was looking, they would probably have a very cold Christmas.

Maybe even a snowy one… At the very least a wet one… he sighed. He kind of didn’t liked wet Christmases. Snowy ones were cool. But wet ones…

He sighed and thought back to his Inner Affirmation thing. _Completely worthless, really._ It’s not that Wally didn’t believed they didn’t wanted to help. It’s just that he’d expected a lot more than a string of happy sentences about how his life would be better if he ‘ _owned it’_ and how much his life could gain meaning if he ‘ _found his base’._

_Whatever the fuck that means…_

That wasn’t fair… He was supposed to be giving this an honest chance.

He was supposed to be working this for his dad, for his mom…

“Hey, gorgeous” a voice drew him out and he looked back to the cabin and walked a tall brunette walking to him, Wally fight the flush in his cheeks.

**_So_ ** _not what I’m supposed to be listening here..._

“Want one?” Wally saw he had a plate full of sugary biscuits. He’d eaten his fill of them that morning.

“Nah, thanks, man,” he said to him with a smile. He looked at the guy who walked in and sat next to him in the floor, with his back to the cabin wall. “Charles, was it?” he asked remembering the kid from yesterday.

The guy scoffed and looked at him with a frown and shaking his head before swallowing half a biscuit. “God, no. It’s Charlie, or Char… or King if you’re into using a surname,” he grinned and winked at him. Wally smiled back and nodded. He could definitively relate with someone who doesn’t like his full name. “Only _Mother_ calls me Charles” Wally flinched a little at the way Charlie said _Mother_. It was a lace of disgust he’d only seen in those Lifetime movies his mom used to watch.

Wally decided to ignore it and just introduce himself. “Charlie, then. I’m Wally.”

The guy looked at him with an appraising and kind of knowing look that threw Wally off “Huh. So _you_ ’re Wally?” he asked with a raised eyebrow and Wally gaped at him.

_Huh?_

Charlie snickered and shrugged as he grabbed another biscuit “You know how Parents have these team working exercises.” Wally nodded not entirely following how that fit with Charlie apparently recognizing him. “Well, _Mother_ ’s a gossip. Apparently, word is you were abandoned by your parents and they’re coming here to see if they take you back.”

Wally felt his jaw slack a little _. What?_

He felt really intruded at hearing that. This was supposed to be a safe-space; he… he didn’t knew people were talking about them behind their back, Wally had barely gotten to know anyone around him, choosing to stay with his own family.

He… He kind of expected everyone to do the same.

Plus, the way this guy told it… it kind of sounded like he was a charity case… he… he didn’t liked that.

“Not exactly like that,” he said going defensive and throwing an assessing look at Charlie. He simply shrugged and raised a hand “Hey, I’m repeating.” Wally huffed and the guy kept looking at him, like deciding if he wanted to continue talking and Wally simply kept his gaze on him. Charlie looked away and must have decided he actually wanted to talk because he continued. “Word’s you live with your aunt, who’s cool about you being gay.”

Wally bit his lip. _‘Word’ was getting real gossipy._

He thought feeling really violated by this. Apparently everyone was getting his story running around. _Safe space, bullshit._ He thought.

“Word’s right,” he simply stated after a couple seconds.

Charlie must have not expected the answer, because he turned to look at him with a raised eyebrow.  And Wally noticed he did, in fact, had an eyebrow piercing, just a little metal piece without any jewelry. It didn’t looked bad on the guy’s face. Kind of rounded it and highlighted his clear blue eyes.

“Really? Then what the fuck are you doing here?” Wally just shrugged. _The same as everyone else, really…_ “Man, if I had family willing to take me in and let me fucking be; I would’ve left ages ago,” he huffed looking at the field in front of them.

Wally felt a little attacked by that statement.

“Well, I happen to like being with my parents.” Wally said defensively. Charlie scoffed and Wally had to actually restrain himself from punching his face at the noise.

_Why doesn’t anyone just get it? And who the fuck is this guy to judge me?_

“And you’re willing do this? For _them_?” Charlie said opening his arm to show the camp. Wally shrugged again.

“It’s not that bad,” he stated softly.

It wasn’t. It’d been surprisingly unhelpful, but it wasn’t _bad_. His dad had been right. This had nothing to do with sex therapy or praying to _be_ _straight_. Wally had kind of expected something a little more _practical_ , but he hadn’t felt pressured or forced into anything, so… not _bad_.

Charlie looked like Wally had just declared his undying pledge to Lucifer or something. A mix of disgust, surprise and bewilderment that would have made him chuckle, if it wasn’t directed at him. “You’re kidding me,” he stated “Man, you’re sick. This is a nightmare. Fucking therapy to be a breeder.”

Wally moved back a little at the guy’s outburst and evident anger at the place, but the last word had him confused enough that any other feelings got kind of forgotten on the back of his head. “ _Breeder_?” he asked looking at him confused.

Charlie huffed “Haven’t they gotten to you?” he asked straightening himself and making a mocking pose before using a deep voice to imitate one of the volunteers “ _Have a kid, have a wife. A family of your own. Your genes passed to the next generation. You can’t have that if you’re a fag._ Fucking pussy lovers.”

Wally flinched again at the last sentence and felt a little awkward being alone with Charlie. The guy obviously had a lot of anger and repressed negative feelings. Wally had to reassess his initial idea that the guy was trying to rally against the camp. He obviously had a lot of issues he needed to work on.

“Damn, Charlie. Ease up.” he said trying to calm the guy who still had a huge scowl in his face. “They believe in this. They’re actually trying to help people” he interceded from the volunteers. So far he hadn’t encountered anyone trying to convince him in things he didn’t believed. They were just offering an alternative take on the conversation on the gay experience. Trying to explain that this was a choice and not simply a biological attraction.

_They actually believed in this and they actually thought being in this camp was good for them. We are ones that come to the camp._

_We are the ones who decide when to leave._

The volunteers didn’t had any choice in the matter. _They_ just provided their world view.

“God! Not you too. I’m fucking surrounded by sheep.” Charlie said throwing the half-eaten biscuit into the field looking frustrated. ‘ _You too…’_ So, Charlie had been going the rounds around the people trying to find someone who would follow his line of thought. Probably looking for a kindred spirit that would make this experience better for him.

Or what he believed to be better for him.

Which is probably believing _they_ were trying to mess with his mind and turning him into _sheep_ and _breeders_.

Wally was about to send him packing from there and turning him away to look for someone else, when he remembered his initial thoughts on the guy. _Mother_ had shushed him and he was probably coming here as a forced participant with a threat holding over him.

He looked back at the kid, using his speed to actually _look_ at Charlie.

On a first sight, he appeared as your traditional troubled angry teenager. Dressed in a black shirt, heavy jacket, blue jeans, chain in his pocket and black boots. Wally saw the beginning of a tattoo on the guy’s collarbone.

_Typical teenager._

But then he saw the deep bags under his eyes, the cracked lips and the marks of nails in the back of his hands that spoke of a tired soul. He also saw him grabbing his arm protectively, as if it was a tick on him. He looked past the anger in his eyes and Wally saw something he’d actually spotted a lot of times on Conner and even on Dick lately.

A loneliness within his anger.

_Not you too…_

Wally sighed. Normally, he’d just walk away and let the family and volunteers deal with this guy, but he decided that maybe this is exactly what he needed.

Evidently, the self-help wasn’t working for him, so maybe a different perspective; an openly negative view on these therapies could actually help him get a clear idea of what to do with himself. He could take the volunteers programs and Charlie’s views and try to make up his own mind about what he wanted to take away from this program.

It would be his little personal experiment…

So he went back to Normal-time and looked at Charlie directly. “I’m no sheep. I just respect what people feel.” Wally said trying to ease Charlie into a neutral territory he could try to work with.

“Yeah, whatever.” Charlie replied, still looking angry. _Maybe I’m the last guy in the camp he’s talked with… maybe I’m his last chance for an ally._ “Enjoy your Role Adaptation bullshit. _Be a_ real _man._ ” Charlie said puffing his chest and hitting his pecs as a bad Macho imitation. Wally actually cracked a smile at that.

He definitively hadn’t had _that_ talk with the volunteers.

Charlie stayed there looking out in the field and Wally looked up to the sky.

_Charlie is obviously going to remain in an antagonistic stance with the program. He could give me a nice contrast, so I don’t just take the information, he can give me an actual anchor… and I can give him someone to vent his frustrations on…_

He looked at Charlie and bit his lip. He needed a little bit of context if he wanted this to work… He risked it. “Hey… can I ask, you… Yesterday, when Doc called you out… why didn’t you leave?” He asked, trying to confirm his suspicion.

Plus, it would give him a baseline to be able to contrast his situation with Charlie’s.

He simply sighed, not taking his gaze off the field. “Can’t work, can’t live on my own, can’t enroll and I’m not cute enough to whore myself.” Wally looked at him and was taken a little by the detachment in Charlie’s voice. This was obviously not a new statement for him. He’d probably spent a lot of time thinking about this and had assimilated his options…

Still... Wally swallowed as he thought about it.

He’d been closer to the truth than he’d actually expected. Charlie was here because he literally believed there was no other option for him. He probably was still in High School and hadn’t gotten his diploma. By the look of him, the guy was close to his age, maybe Junior or even Senior in High School. So still at least a couple years until he was legally an adult.

He was confused by the _“can’t enroll”_ thing. Probably a medical issue, but he decided not to push it.

And Wally blocked out the final option given to him. He didn’t wanted to think about how Charlie had reached that conclusion, because, Wally had the feeling he’d actually tried it out…

“So what? You’re here to…” He asked looking more intently. Charlie turned to him and gave him a tired smile. “Suck up to _Mother_ for a couple years, until I can put a roof over my head. Hope she’s not an asshole in the meantime.”

Wally _really_ wished he could ignore the guy’s closing phrases. Seriously, it was as if he tried to finish each sentence with an abrasive word to make people uncomfortable.

“I’d lose a bit of the attitude.” Wally stated without any heat behind it.

So he hadn’t expected Charlie to shove him hard against the wall “Fuck you!” he exploded and moved to stand up, but something must have called his attention as he turned to give him a measuring look. He bit his lip clearly trying to decide if he wanted to say something.

Wally swallowed his pride and ignored the shove and stood in front of him with an open expression.

It must have worked as the guy gave a step back and looked at him.

“I don’t have a fucking attitude, ok? And if I do, I fucking earned it,” he swallowed and bit his lip before continuing “My whole family’s full of fundamentalist assholes. Till last year I was convinced I was destined to Hell” he told him scratching his arms and Wally thought it was the nervous tick taking over again, but he was surprised when he raised the sleeves of his jacket to show him about a dozen scars and marks of old cuts in his arms. Wally could see burn scars and deep cuts scattered all over him. “I fucking tried to _purge_ the demons out of myself a couple times. Last time, they had to resuscitate me _twice_. Apparently, minors cannot sign a DNR.”

Wally swallowed hard and managed to tear his eyes from the arms up to Charlie’s closed angry challenging look. “You have a good thing going if your family’s sticking by your side. Don’t screw it over some fantasy of a Disney ending where _daddy_ _finally accepts you_. Fuck them, go to your uncle and forget this bullshit.” Charlie said and Wally felt a knot on his throat.

That had been what his Aunt I had said.

But still…

That’s not exactly what he’s doing. He was given a chance… He needed to take it.

He reclined against the wall. “Charlie,” Wally willed himself to open himself a little “My dad kicked me out of my house for _kissing_ _a boy_ ” he said looking at him. Charlie probably already knew that if _Word_ had been as gossipy as he’d expected, but still he was looking at him interested “I’m not saying I didn’t got it easy, but if my Uncle hadn’t taken me, I’ll be living on the streets. Or thrown into whatever adoption or relocation program dad could’ve found. I would have been forgotten, alone. I’m not expecting a _Disney ending_ , but I am gonna try to make this work. For my family”

Charlie huffed at him and crossed his arms. “That’s your plan, repressing yourself for your family?”

Wally raised an eyebrow at him and smiled at Charlie’s lack of awareness of their similarities, so he mocked huffed and said “You’re one to talk, Mr. Sucking up to _Mother_ ”

Charlie looked up to him a little taken aback, and then he scoffed, before giving a short chuckle. Wally smiled, and for whatever reason he felt like laughing, so he let a chuckle out and before he noticed, they were both laughing there, standing in the small opening of the cabin.

Charlie cleaned a couple tears from his eyes and whimpered a little. “God. This is fucking sad” Charlie said and Wally had to nod to him.

_It is…_ It… He looked at the forgotten plate in the middle of them and he rolled his eyes a little, “At least the biscuits are good” he deadpanned and Charlie looked at him incredulous and huffed before getting into a fit of sad laughter again.

It wasn’t funny, it was sad. But Wally felt something ease up in his chest being able to laugh at himself a little. After they settled down, Charlie sat down and started talking to him a little about the rest of the kids and some gossip he’d heard, trying to avoid names as much as possible.

Two hours later, Green Hoodie came to tell Wally he was up for his spiritual guidance session.

He wave Charlie good bye and went… _to learn how to be a Man_ , _apparently._

-_-_-_-_-

_Stop it… That’s annoying._

Wally groaned as he opened his eyes, not really getting what was that annoying sound and feeling. His mind focused enough for him to realize the sound and feeling came from a vibration on his arm. His right arm.

The arm where he had the beacon strapped on.

_The fuck?_

Wally was suddenly alert as he looked at his arm and saw a small red light. _Emergency summon. Crap._

Wally sat on the bed and put his finger on the beacon. His fingerprint was read and he looked at a GPS map.

_Double crap._

There was a beacon calling to him only five miles east. Something was going on. Lighting ignited in him as his mind caught up to the situation.

_Emergency._

_Five miles east_

_His presence is needed._

He didn’t wasted half a second in throwing his sheets away and going for the Ring. A couple milliseconds later he was wearing his yellow and red suit and settling the coordinates in his wrist holo-computer.

“Wally? What-” he turned to see his mom waking up and looking at him oddly.

_Fuck._

“Sorry, mom. Emergency. The Team _really_ needs me” he said and he saw the moment she realized exactly what was happening “I... I’ll try to be here before morning” he promised trying to ease her mind.

He wanted to say it was probably nothing serious, but he was in a leave of absence. He wasn’t supposed to be called. So chances were high this was serious.

Chances were this was _deadly_.

“Go, son. They need you” His mom said, not needing any more explanations. Wally felt a warm sensation travel through his gut and he felt so proud of his parents. Being a parent to a child hero was probably nerve-wracking so it really warmed him that she could support him and swallow her feelings to let him do what he needed to do. He ran up to her and gave her a kiss on the forehead, and she pressed hard on his shoulder. “Be careful” she choked up a little. He nodded and ran out of the camp.

The coordinates were calling him to a place five miles east of where he was. He ran trying to get different ideas about what could possibly be urgent enough to have to call him. Images of the Team in risk battling some unknown danger.

His mind supplied images of them hurt or worst. Everyone could be really injured. _Fuck._

Wally increased his speed his mind flying over the possibilities, he looked up and couldn’t see anything.

No fire, no signs of a fight.

The Team’s fights were usually flashy and the sounds usually could be heard from far away. And Wally had already run half the distance; so he was closer to two miles, but he didn’t see anything.

He… He needed to go faster.

The Team could be in danger. Everyone could…

Dick…

_Oh God, Dick could be in danger._

If Dick was injured… If Dick _died…_

Wally felt his fear sweep into his bones and he pushed himself faster, feeling the ground behind him flare up from his speed. He was _close_. He was _maybe_ two milliseconds away. He was… _Oh, god, please let anything be alright._

_Let Dick be alright._

He couldn’t… He couldn’t lose Dick…

He pushed himself a little more feeling his muscles burning and then he stopped hard skidding in the floor for a couple feet.

He…

He was _here_.

Here, being a clearing in the middle of the woods.

An empty clearing.

He looked around stressed. _What?_

He turned and tried to see anywhere, but he didn’t… There was nothing… there…

He turned as he heard someone clearing his throat and went on full battle mode, ready to kick whoever’s ass he needed to…

“Red?” he looked confused at Red Arrow standing in a high branch of a tree. Red was looking at him with his bow on his quiver and his arms crossed. Wally sped up the tree and ran up to the branch that looked large enough to support both their weights. He moved carefully, aware that this could be a trap, but he stood in front of him trying to get some answers. “What is it? What’s going on?” he asked still trying to regulate his heartbeat and the images of a bloodied Dick refusing to leave his mind.

Red looked at him with his crossed arms, apparently angry before he removed his domino mask and growled at him “That’s what I’ll like to know. What the fuck are you doing in a _conversion_ _camp_?”

_What?_

Wally looked at Roy confused for a second, before realization dawned on him… _Motherfuc…_

“There’s no emergency” Wally realized taking out his cowl looking angrily at Roy who kept staring at him. “Fuck, Roy!” He growled shoving him into the trunk of the tree feeling the adrenaline recede from his body.

Roy let him do it and kept glaring at him. Wally took a couple steps back balancing himself in the branch as he regulated his breath and his heart.

_Everyone’s safe… Thank God… This is…_

And then he turned back on Roy’s words. _Conversion Camp._

He knows…

He turned to him and the glare was still on him. “Look, my folks asked this of me, I’m trying to win them back, they gave me a chance and I’m taking it. That’s all there is to it,” he said matter-of-factly glaring back at him. _You almost gave me a heart attack, asshole._ He thought.

Roy didn’t seemed to mind as his frown went deeper as he raised a hand to him. “Wait a minute,” he pointed his hand at Wally looking incredulous “ _They_ are giving _you_ a chance? To do what? Stop being gay?” he asked mockingly and Wally just shrugged and nodded.

Roy opened his mouth and closed it again before exploding at him “Fuck _them_ , dude! They kicked _you_ off out of your home, Wally. What the fuck is wrong with you? _They_ ’re the ones who should be groveling for _you_ to give them a chance.” Wally backed at Roy’s harsh tone but quickly felt his own anger rise at it.

“There’s nothing wrong with me, Roy” he barked at him, and by the look of him, the elder man clearly got the _Go fuck yourself_ laced in the wording. “This is my choice. _Mine_. I wanna go through this. I might have a shot here to be normal. To rewind the clock four years and be fucking happy again. _I_ want that. Me.” he said hitting his chest and closing the distance with Roy.

“And what about how you feel?” Roy bite back at him.

“How I feel?” Wally actually laughed humorlessly at the other man. _You’ve got to be kidding me._ “Oh, let’s see. I feel like a fucking _failure_. I’ve felt like a disappointment for the last four years. I feel like I was _cheated_ out of a home! Like I was not good enough for them!” he yelled looking at him moving his hands through his hair to try and keep himself from moving too wildly in the high branch and fighting the tears from coming.

Roy huffed angry. “Come on, Kid!” Roy said, and Wally really didn’t knew if he meant it in a lower-case child, or in caps as in his hero name. He huffed thinking it might be both. Roy rested his back on the trunk and pointed at him. “You’re a disappointment? _You_? The straight-A high school student. You? The science nerd with a standing scholarship to go to the best Universities in the country. A _top-of-the-line superhero_ , a hero worthy of the fucking _Justice League_. You know how many people can say that, Wally? Twenty five. 7 billion people and you’re one of _twenty_ - _five_ worthy of being called into the Justice League. And _they’re_ disappointed? And _you’re_ the failure? How the fuck does your father measure up to _you,_ to be disappointed?”

Wally felt heat rise to his cheeks at the descriptions, but he turned it into fire when Roy disregarded his dad like that. He pointed a threatening finger at him “Don’t talk about my dad, Roy” he said harshly. No one puts down his dad and walked away from him. Not even _fucking Roy Harper_.

Roy simply swatted his finger away and rolled his shoulders. “Whatever, dude.” Wally could read the attempt at reducing the friction and the bad blood, and Wally huffed ad tried to take a couple deep breaths.

_So what, if I’m an accomplished hero and student. People are more than that… I… Dad and mom are disappointed in him. They had a right to want something of their kid and I should try to make them happy._

Wally looked at Roy. He’d bit his tongue from saying that he was a clone, so he couldn’t understand. He knew that was a sore spot and the last thing Wally wanted was another fight over a stupid _parents_ comment.

He’d massively screwed up by bringing up Dick’s parents the last time they’d talked. He wasn’t doing it again. Wally sighed as he thought about Dick. It still hurt. He’d been aching for two whole weeks having to restrain himself from calling Dick, from trying to go over to Gotham and talk.

Ever since he’d send those two texts, he’d not heard a peep from Dick.

Wally hadn’t gone to Mt. Justice since his dad came. The couple times he’d talked to Arty and Kaldur they’d told him Dick had also taken some time off and the Team was in on the fact that they’d had a falling out; and after the massive fiasco of Dick’s birthday, they’d found out just how big it was.

_Dick’s birthday…_

December 1st.

Five days after their talk.

One week before the start of the Camp.

Wally had spent that day locked up in his room wishing the day _would just end already_. His friends had tried to make Dick a surprise birthday. Wally hadn’t shown up. He’d learnt later Dick hadn’t either… Wally’d told Arty he’d broken up with Dick and she’d gone ballistic telling him he was an idiot that they loved each other and he needed to get his head out of his ass and apologize.

Wally looked at Roy, who was looking him, assessing him… probably expecting him to be going over what he’d said. Wally bit his lips… “So, how’s the Team?” he asked trying to change the subject. Roy frowned and glared at him before shrugging.

“Fine. I guess. I haven’t really seen much of them lately. Got a lead on the real Roy last month. Didn’t panned out.” Wally bit his lip a bit harder keeping his mouth shut about Roy’s self-assigned mission of looking over Other Roy… the _Source Material_ as CADMUS used to say.

He’d taken into the habit of calling _him_ the _real Roy._

Bullshit. He was real. Connor was _real_.

“I did saw Dick, though,” Roy said and that made Wally look up with wide eyes at the direct mention. “He’s benched,” Roy added and Wally’s eyebrows rose high as he received that particular tidbit of information.

“ _What_?” Dick _never_ got benched. Maybe he got sent early, or maybe he got sidelined due to disease or injury. But never _benched._  

“Went on a little s _pree_ three days ago.” Roy said sitting on the branch and Wally followed suit, crossing his legs and sitting in front of his friend. “Ran over a couple guys with the Batmobile and then landed four thugs on the ICU, with his fists. One of them is in a comma. Brat wouldn’t stand down so Bats had to dart him.”

_Shit… that’s bad…_

He knew Dick liked to take the Batmobile from time to time, but… to run over someone…

And to force Bats to actually _dart him_ … “That’s… not like D.,” he said. Still, Roy raised an eyebrow and make a weird face as he continued “Heartbreak does make us do crazy shit.”

Wally flinched at him feeling defensive. “Dude, that’s not on me…,” Roy scoffed and replied with a raised eyebrow. “Really? Think about it… It was three days ago, what else happened three days ago?”

_I entered the camp…_ _But Dick didn’t…_

Then it dawned on him that he’d left the brochure on Dick’s room when…

He probably knew the start date.

Wally had left Dick a mess the last time he’d gone to see him. He’d not only broken up with him, he’d also managed to insult Dick’s parents and made him lose control in the Manor. Wally thought back to their conversation and had to close his eyes remembering Dick’s angry, hurt face as he yelled at him to leave.

He knew he’d been an asshole and he really hadn’t meant to say… well _anything_ , really…

Wally closed his eyes and had to control his breathing and his heartbeat.

As he’d had to do for the past two weeks, every time his thoughts led back to Dick. Roy seemed to notice it, because he decided to be an asshole and keep pressing. “I saw him. Poor guy’s miserable, Walls.”

“So what?” he snapped glaring at him “I´m supposed to date him because he’s miserable?”

Instead of the flinching and shutting his mouth, as Wally had expected. Roy’s glare intensified and his voice acquired a dangerous angry tone. “You’re supposed to _date him_ because you love him,” he said looking at him with thinly vailed disappointment. _Great, that’s a theme now._

“Fuck you, Roy,” he spat, not really knowing what else to say.

Roy crossed his arms and smiled, as if he’d somehow won that argument. Wally huffed and let himself rest on the branch, looking up to the top the old tree.

_‘Because you love him…’_

Wally closed his eyes stubbornly refusing to let himself cry over this. He’d made a decision. He’d chosen to give himself a chance to be with his parents. He’d chosen family over a fucking crush…

_Over attraction_ , he corrected himself. That’s all it was. Teen attraction.

There was nothing that said that what Wally and Dick had was love. Much less Love, capital letter and all. No matter what Dick had said. No matter how he felt… yeah, being with Dick had been nice… Fuck, it had been great. But…

Dick could find someone else and so could Wally. He could end up with someone else and live happily ever after. There was nothing saying it had to be _Dick_. He could try and steer his live. Choose to be someone else. That’s what this Camp was supposed to help him do.

_It’s just a crush… That’s all it is… Teenage crush. People have those all the time. People outgrow those all the time._

“What the fuck are you doing, Walls?” Roy asked softly. Wally didn’t took his sight off the tree above him.

“Taking a chance, Roy” he said with the same voice, tired of having to keep saying the same thing over and over again. Why doesn’t people just get it? Dick, Aunt I, Uncle B, Charlie… They all talk about this like it is some sort of fucking unforgivable offense. He simply wanted to give his family a chance to be together again. To be happy.

He isn’t denying who he is. He’s just trying to get his family together and working an opportunity.

“This is fucked up,” Roy said and Wally closed his eyes, preventing the tears from frustration coming. “No, it’s not. Why does no one understand? That I’m doing this for my folks. That I need to _be_ _here,_ ” he said.

He needed this.

He… he’d been feeling like a fucking mistake for the past four years. Now he finally had his mom smiling at him. He had his dad looking at him with pride.

He’s feeling a kind of happiness he’s not felt in ages. He _needs_ this to work.

“Uhh… cause you don’t…” Roy said, and Wally clicked his tongue. _Roy wasn’t listening…_ “Ok, fine, answer me honestly Wally,” Roy added and patted Wally’s thigh to bring his attention back to him. Wally lowered his sight to see Roy siting closer to him and sat upright again with a heavy sigh. Roy stayed there, not even a foot of distance between them. “Really… Is there a chance you can be one of those ex-gay people?”

Wally bit his lip and look at Roy’s eyes. _Could he…_

“I… I could be…” he said, not really feeling sure. _How am I supposed to measure that, anyway?_

Roy shook his head, probably seeing his own doubt in the answer. “Not a closeted gay, Walls. Really happy. _Ex_ -gay?”

Wally shook his head frustrated at Roy “Well, how am I supposed to know, if I don’t try it?” he asked looking at him and honestly expecting an answer from his fellow redhead. “I dunno…” Roy said unhelpfully. He seemed to think of it for a second and then he looked at him back again.

“Do you… Do you picture yourself with a woman? Like, long-term? And I’m not talking just sexually, if you see yourself getting down on some chick… When you see the future, do you see yourself in a happy relationship with a woman? When you think about what you want out of this?”

Wally looked at Roy’s slightly flustered face as he talked about this and kind of smiled at this… He was probably thinking about someone. Wally’s money was on Arty’s sister. He mentally shook those thoughts away. Roy was actually listening to him and trying to help him.

_Right. Focus…_

A future… He tried to look at himself with some woman. Dating. Taking a girl to dinner, and going to the movies. Having a family kind of like his own…

He could have some kids and live in a house on the outskirts of Central. Probably somewhere between Central and Keystone… He could be there for his kids. It would be kind of awesome, to have that. Probably take Barry’s torch as the Flash. He…

“I…” He could see that… that was a pretty nice picture “Maybe. Yeah” he said. Fuck what Charlie said. Maybe he wanted to be a _breeder_.

“How about with Dick?” Roy’s voice brought him to the present and he frowned. “What?” Wally asked confused. _What does Dick…?_

“How do you picture a life with Dick?” Wally raised an eyebrow at that, but closed his eyes again to go with it…

A life with Dick… He…

He imagined himself in the same house, opening the door and being welcomed by Dick’s beautiful blues and one of those octopus hugs he gave. He imagined the warmth of his body against him. He pictured running around as Flash with a grown up Dick in his Batman suit and running the JL. He imagined himself going back and forth between Gotham and Central and dividing their time between the cities.

He imagined going to sleep every night with his bird in his arms… “ _That_ … right there” he opened his eyes to see Roy smiling at him and felt his face go red thinking he’d been daydreaming for a couple minutes and had totally forgotten about Roy. But he didn’t seemed to mind as he was grinning openly at him “You didn’t made that face, not even once, when thinking about your life after this. But then you think about him and you made a stupid happy puppy-love face. That’s what you need to work on.”

Wally felt his whole face flare up at the idea of him making such a face and tried to get defensive again. “So, what? What if it’s Dick? What if I’m not really gay, just have a _thing_ for him, a crush. What if I just need some experience?” He said struggling to find any excuse out of this. Actually, the picture of a life with Dick was such a nice dream…

“Come on, man!” Roy said getting frustrated, and Wally was about to say something when a weird look passed Roy’s face, before he grinned a little. A lot of alarms blared on Wally’s head as Roy’s smirk grew and he licked his lips… And Wally looked away feeling his face flush because… Ok, that had been a little weird… A movement in front of him drew his attention back to Roy and he found himself suddenly facing a _whole lot_ of Roy…

His face was like two inches away and Wally tried to move back but a hand was on his neck half a second later pressing him forward. “Wh…” he wasn’t able to ask anything as Roy’s lips covered his, and Wally’s brain broke. _Roy’s…_

He couldn’t think of anything as the warmth of Roy’s hard cracked lips spread over his face and then he started moving those lips and caught his lower lip and sucked on it and Wally’s breath left his body. _Wow…_

His body moved on his own as he leaned on the slight pressure and used his own lips to caress Roy’s as a hand moved up to cusp his cheek, the warmth felt amazing and Roy kind of smelt like wood and forest and… _God…_

Wally felt a wetness on his lips and realized Roy was using his tongue to lick his lips and couldn’t help the moan that left his mouth at that and Roy took advantage of that. Wally felt pain flare from his lip and he was about to complain when he felt a wet, hot and foreign presence in his mouth. _God, that feels good._

Roy’s hand left his neck and went down on his back. Wally let his hand wonder as his throat started behaving on its own making weird deep noises. His hands traveled down Roy’s neck and to his chest. That hard, warm chest… Wally could feel Roy’s strong pecs behind the shirt and his hand move to his strong biceps. So hard, and hot they…

_Wait a..._

Wally’s mind suddenly went back online and Wally pushed Roy back feeling flushed. _What… the…_

_Roy…_

_I just kissed Roy…_

_Nope... Roy just kissed me…_

_Roy… What?_

Wally risked a look at Roy and he was just looking at him and licking his lips with a smirk and a look of superiority and Wally just tried to open and close his mouth twice, and then thrice but no sound came out… Not that Wally was too surprised by that, because his mind wasn’t exactly cooperating either… “Just Dick, huh?” Roy’s voice spoke and Wally blinked… _Dick…_

_Fuck… Dick…_

Wally thought about his bird’s kisses and _Damn…_ While Dick’s kisses were soft and sweet and filled Wally with warmth and fluffiness. Roy’s had been hard and…

_Had Roy bit him? He’d…_

“Hey, are you listening?” Roy was saying something but Wally was having a hard time processing anything other than the flaring pain in his lips and his flushed face “That good, huh?” Wally felt his sight focus completely at that teasing voice and he huffed hard pushing Roy and getting him away from him. “Damn. Talk about an ego boost,” Roy laughed at him and said “Face it, Kid. You’re gay. You’re just tormenting yourself here.”

Wally ran his hand through his lips to try to get rid of the tingling feeling and held his breath a little to try to get rid to the _other_ tingling on his neither regions. “Get lost, Roy” he said flipping him off and Wally was seriously thinking about running himself out of this place when a hand closed on his forearm.

“Ok, ok. Sorry. I just wanted to mess with you a little bit. But, Wally” Roy’s voice had lost all humor and he was looking at him intently “Jokes aside. Just make sure you are doing whatever makes _you_ happy. Not your folks. If you deny part of you just for them, all you’re gonna end up is broken. Your life is yours. When they leave, what are you gonna do with yourself?” Wally bit his lips, still reeling over the fact that Roy had kissed him to actually pay attention to Roy’s words. “Just think about it. Promise me you’ll think about it and I’ll leave you alone” he said.

Wally nodded and Roy nodded back, still looking at him for a couple seconds.  He sighed still with a stupid grin in his lips and put his mask on. Back to being Red.

Wally was about to turn around and get back to camp, when a thought came to his mind. “Hey. One thing” he said and Roy looked at him with a raised eyebrow. “There’s this kid here, Charlie King… could you help me find out some stuff about him.” The raised eyebrow went even higher and Wally decided to elaborate “I… I think he’s in trouble. Or he will be… Just, check him out and hit me with anything you can find.”

Charlie’s comment yesterday about _whoring himself_ and _taking the demons out_ had left him thinking… There was bound to be more to the story than the three sentences they’d talked about. The kid probably could use some help back home. Roy huffed darkly and asked “Is he being _converted_ too?”

Wally could feel the annoyance in the voice and flipped him off “Fuck you” he said putting the cowl and goggles on.

“Are you offering?” Roy smirked at him and wiggled his eyebrows as he licked his lips and Wally felt himself grew red as he moved to _shove Roy off the fucking tree._ “Hey, I’m an equal-opportunity guy. And that was a _damn_ _good_ kiss,” he said laughing and took and arrow and swung himself to a different tree. “I would seriously consider it. You know, if I wasn’t 100% sure Dick would honest-to-God _murder me_ if I get down on you.”

“Grow up, asshole” Wally went beet red at the image of Roy _getting_ _down on him_ and took a step back before flipping Roy off with both hands as he ran down the tree back to the camp. He could swear Roy’s laugh follows him through the run.

He entered his cabin without anyone in the camp noticing.

He turned around and found his mom was still up. He felt himself grew red at the thought of how he’d been spending the last minutes, while she stayed up, worrying herself alone in the room.

_Fuck…_

“False Alarm” he said looking at her with a small smile, hoping she didn’t noticed his face in the dark room. She visibly relaxed in bed and blew him a kiss before turning around to sleep again. Wally took his suit and shrunk it back on the ring. He sighed and dropped himself in the bed, still feeling Roy’s lips on his own.

‘ _Face it, Kid. You’re gay. You’re just tormenting yourself here_ ’

_Fuck, Roy. What the fuck did you do to me?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know most stories about conversion camps focus on physical and psychological abuse on gay people and I know some people have had horrible experiences in conversion camps; however, I wanted to show a different kind of homophobia, one that stems from normalization and social acceptance of certain behaviors that, I think, make internalized homophobia more difficult to address within certain communities.
> 
> You’ll see what I mean in the next chapter, once Wally starts to really take in different aspects of the camp and his parents’ behavior.
> 
> On that note, this is Wally’s POV and as such perception of what happens is skewed to what he sees and feels, so this not an objective representation of reality. I wanted to present it this way, because this story is mostly based on a close friend’s experience of coming out to his parents and his feelings after they found out.


	3. Chapter 3

Wally opened his eyes and looked around the room of his Guided Meditation. Eleven teens were sitting in floor mats in a simple Yoga position. Charlie was missing, since he was in a Counseling thing, after a blow out with one of the volunteers, So Wally didn’t even have someone to distract him from the uselessness of the exercise.

They were supposed to be thinking about what they wanted to achieve out of this whole mess.

And it was a _fucking_ _mess_.

After Roy’s little visit two days ago and the constant talks with Charlie, Wally was starting to feel as if he was running in the middle of a twister.

Sure, the time he’d spent with his parents had been nice and all, but they kept acting as if he was already straight and all they needed to do was take him home to find him a nice cute girlfriend for him… Like everything was already _right_ , when all Wally had been able to think about was how Dick’s lips fared against Roy’s.

And how they could feel on _certain_ parts of him…

…

And, of course, there also was the image of both the brunette and the redhead _going down on him_ at the same time…

_Stupid Roy, putting stupid images in his head_ …

That’s why he’d spend the last _Shame Release_ session hiding a fucking boner all the time, while the guys talked about the things they considered were his most disturbing thoughts. Of course, his brain had decided _that_ image had to come front and center right then… Wally sighed.

He was supposed to be giving this a chance… He wasn’t supposed to be thinking about _those things_ … He needed to fix everything with his parents… He let his breath out slowly and closed his eyes.

_‘What do I want out of this experience? What do I want out of my life?’_

_Right_.

Wally wasn’t sure what he was supposed to get out of repeating the same exercise every day for the past five days. He already had an answer.

He wants to be with his parents. He wants to be a child they can be proud of. He wants to stop feeling hollow inside.

He imagined himself with a human-shaped hole being covered by both his mom and his dad.

That’s what he wanted. To go back home; to be able to eat his mom’s eggplant parmesan and her baked meatball spaghetti. To run to his father and talk to him about school and how the teachers had fucked up simple experiments and he’d had to correct them.

To be able to listen to his father complain about how his work was taking his soul, but then spend the rest of the night talking about how he’d help a lot of people with their insurance problems. To listen to his mom tell all the gossips about the office and how she had helped her boss with whatever problem she’d gotten into.

He wanted that.

He _needed_ that…

He…

Wally thought about the question he was supposed to be thinking about. _What do I want out of my life?_

His life.

‘ _Your life is yours. When they leave, what are you gonna do with yourself?_ ’

He tried to imagine himself further into the future. Going to college, maybe even grad school. What did _he_ wanted?

The images of the talk with Roy came full force.

_He imagined himself in the same house, opening the door and being welcomed by Dick’s beautiful blues and one of those octopus hugs he gave. He imagined the warmth of his body against him._

Dick…

He wanted Dick.

It was fucking frustrating that for the past two days, all he’d been able to picture after this point was being with Dick in a house they shared. Even when they were having the _Breeder-_ talk as Charlie had called it, he’d imagined himself with Dick and a kid.

An adopted kid they could save from the streets, as Bruce had saved Dick.

He kept imagining how his life would be with his ex-boyfriend and it warmed him and frustrated him because this was _the opposite_ of what he was supposed to be doing.

But then, he’d tried to picture a life without Dick and as much as he tried, he’d come up blank.

He’d tried thinking about Flash, but Dick’s Robin/Batman was there.

He’d tried thinking about being a scientist, and Dick’s cheerful support had been there.

He’d tried thinking about a child, and Dick’s adoption had been there.

He’d tried thinking about a home; and other than living alone, the image of being greeted home by Dick and a huge octopus hug had always burrowed itself into his meditation.

Wally was frustrated and his whole body ended up aching because he no longer had Dick. Because, as of right now, his life was Dick-less.

Because, by coming here, he’d also cut out another fucking hole in his life... And what he got out of this scenario filled a good half of it.

But Dick’s would remain.

_‘Worthless this whole thing we had, if you can just pocket it and go pretend to be straight for your stupid parents.’_

Dick’s voice ringed in his ears and Wally had to focus himself not to let a whimper come out of his throat. He was supposed to be picturing the future he’d want out of this, not a fucking nightmare when the only person he’d want to have a future with had been lost to him for coming here.

_‘What the fuck are you doing, Walls?’_

_I don’t know, Roy… I don’t know anymore…_

-_-_-_-_-

Dick hadn’t left Wally’s mind for the past three hours and it was starting to seriously annoy him, because one thing was thinking about Dick when he was meditating about his future, but another one entirely was not being able to eat a _fucking blueberry muffin_ without remembering that coffee house they’d gone on their fourth date.

They’d eaten blueberry muffins. Dick had ordered a hot chocolate with marshmallows, he’d gotten a pumpkin spiced latte. Wally had tripped and half his muffin had ended up being some mutt’s meal. Dick had given him part of his, feeding it to him piece by piece in exchange of kisses.

They’d ended up in a park, wrapped around each other watching an 80’s slasher film festival in Gotham. _Nightmare on Elm’s Street 3_ had been on. Dick screamed at the movie when Freddie killed Nancy and Wally told him of his own dreams about being used as a puppet.

That night had been the first one he’d spent in the Manor after they’d got together. It had been the first time Wally had shared a bed with Dick as his boyfriend. It had stayed pretty much PG-13, but Wally’d learnt how it felt kissing a shirtless Dick and then the feeling of falling sleep with the weight of his bird on his arms.

It had also been the first time Dick had told him he loved him.

Wally had freaked out and had started stuttering and trying to figure out what the fuck he was supposed to say. ‘ _You’re not supposed to say that until… you know... you’re sure…_ ’

‘ _Sure about what? I love you, Walls. I like being close to you, I feel giddy and jittery when you’re around, I miss every moment I’m without you. Never, even when I was with mom and dad, have I felt something like this. I just love you. There’s no mystery here. And If you’re gonna get all flushed and cute when I say it, then I’m gonna keep saying it. I love you._ ’

Wally had looked at Dick surprised for a second, and then he’d rolled over him and had kissed him until they’d both had fallen asleep, with Dick securely tucked in Wally’s arms like he was a teddy bear. Or a security blanket.

Or a treasure.

He’d thought that, that night. That Dick was a treasure, his treasure.

And then, not even a month later, he’d dumped him, insulted his parents and come here to try and be the son his family wanted to be…

So, yeah… He hadn’t eaten the blueberry muffin.

He hadn’t eaten anything on his plate, actually.

He got tired of picking whatever the hell he was supposed to be eating and then leaving it back on the plate. His dad looked at him weirdly and he only said he’d already eaten a protein bar, so he felt kind of full. Not really needing to eat since he hadn’t used his speed.

His dad had believed him and then he’d reminded him of their Spiritual Guidance session.

_Great. Just what I need…_

Still, Wally smiled and told him he’d wait for them on the Prayer Room. He left and tried to clear his head on the fields, thinking that some cold air might help him focus his thoughts on anything other than Dick.

At least, he didn’t hurt anymore, not like before.

At least he doesn’t have to stop breathing because he feels that if he takes a breath he will break down and cry.

At least, he doesn’t wake up to a wet pillow anymore.

Now, all he feels is a weird longing he hadn’t expected. A dull pressure in his chest every time those blue eyes and that black hair appear on his mind.

Wally snuggled his jacket closer to him as he walked from the main hall to the Prayer Room at the back of the camp. It was the cabin further away to the entry gate, close to a small creek that marked the limits of the property. A creek that was running full and undisturbed with crystal water. There was probably a spring close by. Wally walked around the cabin and jumped into the large rocks sitting there, letting his fingers touch the water.

He’d never gone swimming with Dick on a river. Beach, yeah, sure. Pools too, both at the Manor and close to Mt. Justice. But never on a river. They’d never even considered it. Or he hadn’t at least and Dick had never mentioned the idea.

Wally sighed and laid himself on the rock, looking at the darkening sky.

_Why am I here?_

_To get my family back. To give us a chance._

He’d been so sure. Just five days ago, he’d been certain about everything.

Yes, he’ll lose Dick. It had been one of the hardest things he’s ever had to do. Hell, it still was.

But, his family was worth it. It was worth the heartbreak.

He hadn’t lied to Roy, there was nothing saying Dick was the one for him. If they had stayed together, they might have still ended up breaking up. _Who knows?_

But now, his family would remain by his side. They would…

Except, now he wasn’t certain.

His parents’ behavior was really getting to him. And it wasn’t just the _acting like he’s cured_ , it… it was something else. Something with this whole camp thing that was nagging away at the back of his mind, but…

He hadn’t really had the time to sit and reflect on it properly.

All the time, program after program, a feeling in his gut kept growing and instead of feeling like he might be able to use this experience to gain some insight into how to be a family again; he kept feeling like there was a part of the program he _wasn’t_ _getting_.

Because a couple of the kids acted like this had been revolutionary and mind blowing, but Wally kept feeling more and more hollow and guilty with each new session. And then, there were the talks with Charlie. After opening up to each other, he’d gotten to see a more calmed and collected Charlie. Sure, he kept that annoying habit of ending any sentence with an expletive or some weird ass comment that had Wally rolling his eyes in frustration. But now he knew he did it mostly to mess with people.

He simply ignored the provocative comment and focused on what Charlie really wanted to say to him.

If anything, at least the Camp had given him a friend.

A friend who was getting frustrated with his Mother and who seemed to be one word away from sending everything to hell and really walk out to whore himself for scraps, if it meant being free from his family.

After reading Roy’s intel, Wally got why. It had arrived that morning, he’d received it in his suit’s comms channel.

Charlie King had been admitted five times to emergency care at St. Francois Medical Center in the last two years for attempted suicide, burnings and _falling off the stairs_. Evidently, the stairs at Charlie’s house were made of belt-buckles and leather strips because that’s what his bruises looked like. A nurse had informed Social Services, Charlie had denied everything and refused to let himself be examined again. His family had taken him again.

There was nothing the State could do, since they had no hard evidence of wrongdoing. The nurse had refused to testify and the State was not willing to prosecute a losing case.

Roy had offered to make a home visit to Charlie’s family, but Wally had managed to stop him. In the end, Roy had given him information about a program for abused LGBT children in St. Francois, near Charlie’s school. And another one in Central, but that was just to mess with him.

Wally had meant to deliver that information today, but Charlie had been whisked away all day to a _special counseling program_ and Wally hadn’t seen him all day. He was starting to worry about what happened in those programs, but he’d been busy with his own sessions to actually have a moment to investigate. He’d talked to Charlie, but the other boy simply said it was a behavioral thing, much like school counseling.

Annoying, but harmless.

He sighed looking at the water flow around him letting it calm him. He dipped a hand on the cold water and let it run through his fingers. He had wanted nothing more than to be with his family. Charlie had wanted nothing more than being away from them.

_What am I doing here? My family. Being the child they want._

So, why did it felt like he _couldn’t be_? Why was he feeling like this _isn’t_ where he wants to be?

_They’re giving me a chance… How can I not take it?_

Wally heard someone call him and realized his parents had arrived, expecting to find him already in the Prayer Room. He jumped out of the rock and walked out to meet his parents.

Despite all his misgivings about the program, seeing his mom and dad smile at him as they welcome him warmed him in a way he had become increasingly familiar with during this week.

He smiled and jogged at normal speed to come close to them and said a quick hello to Father Willis, explaining that he needed some alone time to think and had gone over to the water. As a little joke, he touched his mother’s cheek with his still ice-cold and wet hand, and earned himself a shriek and a smack up the head.

His dad and the Father laughed as he came in behind them into the toasty Prayer Room. They went to a little secluded area in the back where there was an old desk and four chairs. The Father took the main one and arranged a Bible and some papers in front of him. His mom and dad sat right in front of him and Wally choose the chair closest to the wall.

“Now, Wally, I want to read to you a passage from First Corinthians that I believe will give us a very good basis for our talk…”

Wally nodded trying to pay attention to the Father’s words. Something about a warning letter and encouraging words to a community in disarray. Pretty soon he’d spaced out and started to think about the movement of the incense’s smoke. He started following the patterns of the smoke and was starting to see figures and forms in the smoke.

He knew it had nothing to do with those figures actually _being there_ and more with the brain’s physiology being coded into seeking patterns. People always tried to give meaning to those patterns, even though most of the times the identification of those figures was about the individual’s brain connections and not some _foreign_ influence.

But still… that hadn’t stopped the ancient civilizations to try to divine the future from that smoke.

Not to different, really, from the _Jesus in a toast_ news now a days.

It’s no surprise that the most religious are the ones who end up seeing _Jesus_ or _Mother_ _Mary_ in some inane object. The brain sees a figure and tries to give it meaning. Being the more religious, means they pray and see holy images more often. Seeing them more often means their brain is _used_ to seeing them.

Is it a surprise then, that when the brain sees a pattern it doesn’t recognize, it would try to fill in the blanks with one that is often seen?

That’s why when you show someone the _Jesus in a toast_ , without saying anything, their answer tends to be _it’s a toast._ But when you ask ‘Do you see _an_ _image_ here?’ most people see the face…

Because the brain expects to find something, so it fills the blanks.

With the way his brain’s been behaving the past few days, it wouldn’t surprise Wally to end up seeing Dick in the smoke…

“Let us pray.”

Father Willis’ words brought Wally back from his mental divagation. He brought his hands together mostly by reflex and lowered his head, letting the familiar string of sentences fill his mind, feeling eased into the mechanical nature of praying.

Once they finished, the Father started talking again and Wally felt slightly bad about not paying attention. But the truth was… that he didn’t care enough.

Wally wasn’t an atheist. Not entirely. He honestly hadn’t taken the time to think _what_ he was regarding religion. His parents were evangelical Christians, Uncle Barry and Aunt I were both raised evangelical and they do go to church on occasion and bless the table every time they all meet for dinner, but religion wasn’t such an intrinsic element of their lives.

He went to Keystone High, a public school, so not much religion there either.

He knew he’d been baptized and whenever someone asked he said he was Christian, and if pressed he would add he’d been raised in a nondenominational house. But…

_Was ‘Undecided’ an option regarding religion?_

In any case, he didn’t think this would work for him. _Praying himself straight_.

While he understood the importance of religion to most people, he was supposed to do what felt right to him. And to him, listening to the Bible about how he was going to hell for sinning, and how he should stop sinning and live a pious live because of the promise of eternal life…

_Yeah… Nope, that’s not for me…_

Actually, this whole program was feeling like it was the exact opposite of something that could work for him: Self-help and praying…

“Wally… are you listening?” Wally snapped out of his mind to look at the Father’s questioning glance and at his mother’s frown. _Had he been muttering aloud?_

He scratched the back of his neck thinking of any excuse that could help him explain why he wasn’t listening to the preacher’s explanation of the passage he hadn’t listened, but he came up blank. “No. Sorry I’m not” he said feeling a flush creep up on his face at the severe frown on his mom’s face and his dad’s raised eyebrow.

_Shit._

But then, he remembered a phrase from the initial speech Doc had given came to mind and he sat straight… _Maybe…_ “The… This is a safe space, right?” he asked them and the preacher nodded to him encouraging him to talk, so Wally decided to go with brutal honesty “Yeah… so…, so the truth is, I’m not sure if this is the right exercise for me… I mean, no offense, but I don’t think praying myself straight is the answer” his mother’s hand flew to her chest as she shrieked “ _Wally_!” looking scared at the Father, as if he was about to declare him a demon or something.

Father Willis on the other hand, just nodded taking in his words and looked at his mom trying to calm her down and his mom tried to apologize for him to the Father and Wally felt a little off-put feeling like a child looking at the adults talking, and was a little humiliated by the fact that she believed she needed to apologize in his name for something he wasn’t sorry about.

He decided to interrupt the _adults-talking_ and speak to his mom “I don’t see why it’s such a problem,” he said, and the three adults turned to him. “I’m sorry, mom. I really am, but I promised you an _honest_ chance. I honestly don’t see this working for me” he said looking at her, and then he turned to the Father. “I mean no disrespect to your religion and your beliefs, I really don’t, I mean most of my family’s Christian and, I… I consider myself Christian too. B-But sexual attraction has nothing to do with religious beliefs,” he said looking at the Father and feeling a little satisfaction noticing how everyone was actually listening to _his_ opinion.

The preacher looked at him and hummed a second before saying “See Wally, I think you’re mistaken. The basis of the Lord’s teachings are about how to behave ourselves, how to present ourselves into society and how to conduct in it.” Wally had to concede that point, because he actually agreed with him in that, at least from a historical perspective religion existed as a series of social mandates. “Sexual Attraction being a social conduct, can be guided by religious principles.” And Wally again, had to give that point to the preacher but…

“True, but we’re not talking about sexual attraction or about social mandates. We’re praying and talking about the strength of community” he said remembering the initial biblical reading. “I… Father, I appreciate your guidance, I really do, but I don’t see how _this_ is supposed to help me,” he said truthfully. Father Willis nodded and hummed again, probably thinking about his next argument, but his mom beat him to it. 

“The Lord’s word can give you the strength you need to remain on track for this, Wally,” she said, and Wally had a hard time not rolling his eyes. “I really don’t think the Lord cares about me that much, mom,” he replied, before noticing the mistake.

His mom’s eyes grew large. “Wallace West, watch your tongue!” she chastised in a severe tone of voice that had him sitting straight in his chair and looking surprised at her.

_Fuck._

His mom had always been religious and questioning the Lord’s love was about the harshest offense in her mind. So, right now, Wally knew he’d lost whatever leverage he could have on her to actually try and stop this meeting and go back to… whatever _regular programming_ was.

“Mary, calm now,” Father Willis said putting a hand on her shoulder. “It is obvious Wally has a lot of guarded feelings in him. This is a safe space for him to express his feelings. Our job as members of His flock is to guide, not repress.” Wally actually bit his cheek to prevent the nod… or the huff. He simply stayed there looking at his mom, trying to appear sheepish.

He risked a glance at his dad, but he simply was looking at him surprised, like he hadn’t expected him to speak out of turn and was still trying to wrap his head around what had happened. “Wally, I can’t force you to join us in prayer. But I would like to challenge you to open your heart to our Lord and find meaning in his words.”

Wally nodded, still chastised by his mom’s outburst and moved the chair a little closer, trying to appear as if he was paying attention. But his mind kept mulling over the words of the Father. ‘ _Our job as members of His flock is to guide, not repress._ ’ Wally moved the phrases in his mind trying to find why they seemed to bother him so much, before it clicked in him.

‘ _There’s no Hell waiting for you because of how you feel._ ’

Doc’s words at the start of the camp came to his mind as he remembered the face of his mom as Doc said those words. 

‘ _To guide, not repress._ ’

And in a moment of sad realization, Wally finally got an answer to why his parent’s behavior had been bothering him so much in the last few days.

It wasn’t that they were thinking about the future. Assuming he was already a _straight_ man, ready to take on a girlfriend and be _normal_. That was expected, after all, it _was_ the purpose of the camp: To define his future and to help him into heterosexuality.

The whole experience was predicated upon trying to do just that.

Listening to the Father and his parents pray, he realized that what bothered him most about _this_ was that his parents weren’t changing in any way.

That they weren’t _expected to change_ in any way.

That this whole experience hadn’t even attempted to modify their previous beliefs.

Wally was supposed to come here into this program and completely change a part of himself. To substantially, _considerably_ change his behavior, his _attraction_ , his _masculinity_. He was here to be _fixed_.

But while all the volunteers predicated heavily about how much this was a family program, and how much they would all change and be better people once they started this _Road of Self-Discovery_ , his parents hadn’t changed at all.

_It wasn’t expected of them._

Their preconceptions, their ideals, their world view wasn’t being challenged.  Only his was. Because he was _wrong_. Because he was the one that _wasn’t_ _right._

Wally looked at his mom, with her closed eyes, grabbing tightly on the small crucifix on her hands and praying devotedly. She’d always been a good Christian woman. Turning to the Bible as a first and final answer to find strength to continue with her life. To be honest, he’d always admired that of her. Of most religious people, really.

He’d never found solace in something he couldn’t touch, he couldn’t comprehend. To him faith was little more than the rituals. And rituals didn’t really offered him comfort. He had to find comfort in the practicality of being alive, on _doing something_. So, to him, praying wasn’t really an option, but he understood (and after Fate, he _believed in_ ) the importance of spirituality in people’s everyday life.

He could also understand the morality of religion. It was a set of social rules meant to create a more cohesive community, meant to give meaning to life. Community integration had been eroding those social rules creating “the rule of law” as a shared moral compass across religious beliefs.

And right now, he was standing in the middle of a clash between the consensus of legal morality and religious morality. And to his mom, the answer was the same as always: turn to the Bible as a first and final answer.

And the Bible said he was a sinner. That by being a gay man he lived in sin. And that she, as a believer, should try to _guide him_ into a life of purity and redemption.

She’d thought that before she came here.

She thought that as she was here.

And, judging by Father Willis’ answer, she would keep thinking the same thing once she leaves.

The same thing happened with his dad.

While he wasn’t religious, he was pretty much opposed to homosexuality. He considered it a _deviation_. Nature’s way was heterosexuality. Reproduction was a biological imperative, and he, as a male member of his species should feel attracted to female members of his species.

It was Nature’s way. Nature’s purpose. _Breeding_.

And the volunteer’s programs, particularly the Role Adaptation was meant to reinforce that statement.

His purpose, his future, was to be with a woman.

Of course, they didn’t openly said that anything else was _wrong_ ; but trying to act on any way different than whatever his _expected_ role as a male was, meant he ‘ _wasn’t living his full life’._

Wally felt a sense of detachment overtake him as he thought about Doc’s first speech.

He’d said he was supposed to be OK being gay.

He’d confronted social expectations of what this camp was supposed to do and subverted them in his speech. But then, once the program actually starts, the volunteers focus on reinforcing the ideas and expectations of the parents.

Like Father Willis had done with his mother. _Yes, he is a sinner, but you shouldn’t shun him, you should **guide** him._

Like the volunteers had done with his father. _Yes, he’s a deviant, but he shouldn’t be left, he should be **trained**._

Because in the end, he’s wrong. Because in the end, they were right.

And he’s here to admit to himself and to others that he _was wrong_ , but that he’s willing to _act right_.

His mom and dad aren’t expecting to change, to be challenged. They’re confirming their perceptions and they are _helping him_ to conform to that reality.

That’s what he’s expected to do here.

He’s not being given a chance to _be_ with his family and _work on being together_.

He’s being given a chance to prove to his family that he can _be fixed_.

_‘They need to accept the ‘you’ that you are; not the ‘you’ that they want you to be.’_

The words his Aunt Iris’ had said over three weeks ago rang clear and strong in his mind and Wally wanted to laugh at himself.

She’d been right.

She’d seen it far before he’d even attempted to come here: He wasn’t here to _be with his family_ , they weren’t in a program to try and _fill_ _his void_ _with the love of his family_.

He was here to be molded into the form his parents believed he should be. It didn’t mattered how _he_ might believe that should look like… because he was _wrong_ , and they were _right_.

And that was the notion over which this whole program was built upon.

_How had he been so blind?_

He’d kept thinking this was a first step, a chance to work as a family on who he was _supposed to be_. That his family would try and _work together_ into whatever future he believed should be his…

But that wasn’t their idea. And this place wouldn’t help him achieve this.

Because, while it had been warped out to fit his own beliefs, Doc’s idea was right. The only way this was going to work was if Wally found _who he wanted to be_ ; and **_then_** try to build a foundation for that with his folks.

_After_ he’s clear on where he’s standing.

And Wally had to prevent a sad laugh from taking over him, because he just remembered all he’d been hearing from his friends.

_‘This is about **you** , Walls. About **who you are**.’_

_‘This whole thing is predicated upon the fact that it’s **wrong** for me to be attracted to men, and that I **should** be attracted to women’ _

_‘Just make sure you are doing whatever makes **you** happy. Not your folks. If you deny part of you just for them, all you’re gonna end up is broken.’_

Dick, Charlie and Roy all had said the same thing. The same thing his Aunt had tried to tell him from the beginning. Every single person he’s been talking about this outside of the camp kept telling him the same thing. That this was supposed to be about _him_.

That he should put _himself_ first, and then work on where his parents were _to him_.

He’d been so focused on the possibility to be a family again, he hadn’t even considered where that left _him_.

_‘What the fuck are you doing, Walls?’_

_I have no fucking clue, Roy_

-_-_-_-_-

Wally took a deep breath following the instruction of the Shame Release guide.

The volunteer was sitting at his right, his mom and dad in front of him. They were supposed to work on the main issue that had caused an emotional break between them. They’d all agreed it was the _coming out_.

And they were all supposed to be trying to focus on that moment. To try and relive it and find a way to support each other into accepting it had happened and working towards fixing it.

After his little revelation in the Prayer Room last night, and the subsequent glare and scolding he got in the cabin by her mom ( _Safe space, right?_ ). Wally was very skeptical about how much this would work.

It was evident his mom and dad weren’t going to change.

But then, the volunteer had said something that had interested Wally. He’d asked them not to think about _what had happened_ or the _words that were said_. He asked them to focus instead on the **_feelings_** they’d had as the event unfolded in their minds.

He wanted them to feel again and try to accept how much this event had marked them emotionally; in order to understand how to better move from it.

Wally decided to give it a shot. At least, this was the first time he’d been given an instruction he could try to really apply, instead of praying and focusing on a thought they’d been doing lately.

Wally thought back on the day he came out to his parents, the date had been… _Two weeks before winter break. The week after Thanksgiving…_

The timing of this camp suddenly felt very ominous as Wally realized it had happened around the start date of the camp. Wally closed his eyes and tried to remember… the feelings. The emotions as the events unfolded.

It had stated with the silence.

The silence that had kicked up the unsettling feeling in his stomach.

The silence that started on the trip home… That trip had been a nightmare. The _start_ of a nightmare, actually.

 

> Wally had thought sitting there in the Principal’s office had been a horrible experience, but getting in the car, with his dad’s quiet driving. Trying to ignore the white knuckles, the frown, the overly aggressive turns, and the redness of his face. Trying not to listen the pervasive silence that was coming from his mother; who was sitting looking at the window not even trying to pay attention to whatever was happening.
> 
> _Yeah, this is definitively worst._
> 
> At least in the office, he could try to mask his awkwardness and the sense of disappointment by explaining the situation with the bullies and the boy he didn’t even remembered the name of. The boy who had kissed him. With soft lips…
> 
> _Damn. I shouldn’t…_
> 
> Wally hadn’t expected it to feel so good. No girl had ever made him lose himself like that. And yeah, he wasn’t too experienced in the whole kissing department. He’d only kissed Linda a couple times and both had been awkward and kind of dry. But, this… This had nothing to do with that.
> 
> Wally had realized a couple months back that his eyes lingered a little more often on the boys than they did on the girls. And he’d seen some of the images the other guys kept, images that were supposed to be complete _turn-ons…_ but didn’t really did it for him. He just _didn’t saw_ the appeal of a naked woman.
> 
> He had never understood his classmates’ fascination with naked breasts. _I mean, they’re breasts._
> 
> It… It had only recently occurred to him that maybe… Maybe he didn’t liked what normal boys liked, because he wasn’t… _normal_. He’d expected hormones to kick in sometime later; but they hadn’t. He could watch a naked woman and only feel a slight embarrassment. An embarrassment that went up to eleven and got really funny in his gut when it was a naked man. He’d thought it was usual, you’re not supposed to look at naked men, so, seeing one made his insides turn oddly and made him flush…
> 
> Of course, that had completely changed as the boy kissed him and Wally’s previous experiences didn’t even held a candle to it. It was _fireworks._ Like cheesy novel ‘butterflies in his gut’. And the _sounds_ he made. That humming the boy had done, like he was having _the best_ _dessert_.
> 
> A deep _animal_ humming.
> 
> That sound had sent Wally over the moon.
> 
> That is, until his father’s choking sound brought him back to earth, and they’d seemed so angry and disappointed at him getting in a fight. His parents were never called to pick him up; and now, he was not only getting into fights, but also kissing random guys in the Principal’s office.
> 
> _No wonder they’re mad._
> 
> Once they parked, his mom and dad entered the house without sparing him a glance and he walked in behind them, not risking looking up. _What if they wanna talk about the kiss?_
> 
> _Man, this is gonna be awkward…_ He’d heard a lot of _coming out_ stories, and they all ended up in awkward silences, tears, and a lot of painfully weird conversations. And Wally really hoped his dad didn’t wanted to talk to him about weird stuff, or that his mom would turn into one of those _overbearing_ parents…
> 
> But right now, wouldn’t be a good time for this. His dad was obviously angry at him picking a fight with some other kids. And his mom seemed equally disappointed at him. Maybe he should leave that conversation for another time. When they’re not thinking about grounding him for getting in a fight.
> 
> He entered the house and was about to go to his room when his dad called him. He sounded angry and Wally swallowed. _Here it comes._
> 
> He sat in the living room, his dad was pacing up and down the room, and his mom was sitting there, looking out the window. To the sky. Wally looked at her a second and saw her eyes were fixed in the sky, in a pleading glance, almost like…
> 
> _Is she praying?_
> 
> “How long?” His father’s voice broke through his thoughts and he turned around to look at him, flinching a little at the angry tone. “What?” he asked almost as a reflex. _How long… did I fight?_
> 
> “How long have you and _that kid_ …” His dad elaborated, and the amount of venom in his mouth as he said that last part had Wally look at him a little scared. He sounded like the boy… the bullying victim… was some sort of plague… “How long have you two been…?”
> 
> _Oh…_
> 
> Wally suddenly understood what his dad might have taken out of walking into an office and see him kissing a guy he’d gotten into a fight for… _Right, no… he’s getting it wrong…_
> 
> “I’ve never seen him… I don’t know him” he said truthfully. The guy was one year ahead of him and they’d never really crossed paths, until today. And the only reason he’d acted, was because he was already beaten down and the guys weren’t stopping. “He… he was being bullied and I helped… the… the kiss…” He went beet red thinking about that, and his dad’s hand closed around the chair causing it to dent a little, and Wally bit his lips at that… _He’s angry…_ “I… he was thanking me… I _think_ …” He finished lamely.
> 
> It had only been after the meeting, when the boy’s parents had arrived, that Wally had realized the boy was an openly gay student and that he’d been harassed repeatedly on the school. His parents were going to take him out of the school at the end of that period and had been screaming during the whole meeting that the school needed better anti-bullying programs.
> 
> Wally agreed.
> 
> The kid’s mom had thanked him with a soft pat on the head and a kiss on the forehead that had him go beet red before leaving still screaming about informing the School Board.
> 
> Again, his father’s voice brought him back to the present. He’d stayed quiet for a second after he’d finished and then his face seemed to relax a substantially and then went red angry “So… You didn’t started… He assaulted you!” Wally turned to look at his mom who’d seemed to have broken out of her prayer to look at them, startled by his father scream and Wally was turning from him to her… “That bastard assaulted you, and we didn’t even…” _What… no… no he didn’t_
> 
> “No!” Wally said standing up and looking at his father confused. _Why is he so… mad?_ “He didn’t… I… I’m…” The kid hadn’t even tried to force him. Yes, he’d been caught unaware, but… he hadn’t protested and had been _quite willing_ to continue that kiss. His father’s stormy eyes turned on him and they were starting to turn into slits while he gave him a hard stare. Wally swallowed and nodded. _Ok. Time to own it… Just… like a Band-Aid… fast and painless._
> 
> “I like boys.”
> 
> The silence that followed that single sentence would appear in some of Wally’s nightmares for the next couple months. A silence that filled the house and lingered in his bones as his mom looked at him sadly before looking up to the sky again. As his father looked at him oddly for a second and then had his face turned red on him and looked with an anger Wally hadn’t ever seen directed at him…
> 
> At anyone.
> 
> His dad was frowning and he looked as if he was controlling himself from throwing up… or maybe hit him… His dad hadn’t hit him, ever. He was absolutely against corporal punishment.  He’d said so many times. But, for perhaps the second time in his life, Wally felt certain he was going to be smacked.
> 
> He remembered the first time. It was three years ago, he was 11 and the Flash had just made his existence publically known, after months of media speculation. Wally was playing to be The Flash and had been annoying his parents for the past four hours. His dad had asked him to stop three times by then, but Wally had too much energy. He didn’t remember exactly what his rationale had been, but he’d ran out the garage and jumped on the hood of the car and was about to get on the roof, when he stepped on the windshield and it cracked. Wally yelped and got on the roof, which sunk under his weight. His dad had come running and when he’d seen him, he’d gone red, his hand fisted and he’d picked him and put him on the floor. Wally had seen his dad’s fist clench and tremble from the force he was pressing it.
> 
> In the end his dad had only looked at him with so much anger and disappointment before turning around to lock himself in his room.
> 
> Wally had been grounded for two weeks and he’d been given two months of chores, so he could ‘ _pay’_ for the windshield he’d broken. For those two months, all Wally could think of was how much he’d disappointed his dad. And that he needed to make every single chore _just perfect_ to show his dad he didn’t need to be angry and sad at him.
> 
> To show him they didn’t had to be mad at him.
> 
> Sitting there in the absolute silence that followed his confession, looking at his dad’s anger and the disappointment in his face. The sadness in his mom’s eyes; Wally felt the same thing all over again.
> 
> The disappointment and the need to apologize.
> 
> But unlike the broken windshield, he wasn’t entirely sure what he should be apologizing _for_.
> 
> “ _What_?” His dad’s deep growl made him look up at him. His anger was winning the fight in his dad’s mind and he was pressing the chair so hard, Wally worried for a second he was going to break it. Wally looked at his dad’s eyes and couldn’t held his gaze for more than a second, seeing the… _something_ beyond anger in his eyes, directed at him. “You… you are…”
> 
> His father seemed to be having a hard time saying the word, and for the second time in this conversation, Wally’s mouth won the battle against his brain. “Gay?” he offered and his dad scoffed angrily at him using his hand to bring the chair down hard against the floor. The hard thump made Wally jump and looked a little fearfully at him. The idea of getting smacked was coming closer and closer in his mind, but his dad moved away, briskly pacing to the back of the room and back to the chair.
> 
> “Fucking _gay,_ ” his father said after the second time he moved up to the table and looked at him from across the room. “Do you even know what you’re talking about? How _disgusting_ you’re sounding right now?” Wally opened his eyes and looked back at his dad feeling his jaw drop a little at that… _Di… Disgusting?_
> 
> _W…_
> 
> _What?_
> 
> “And we had to enter Principal Klain’s office and see you, and… and that…” The way he was looking at him, the way he seemed he wanted to throw up as he tried to come with an adjective to describe the boy he’d been kissing… Wally felt a pit in his stomach start to set… I... _This isn’t_ …
> 
> “Disgusting” his dad spat as he kept moving around the room.
> 
> _Disgusting… I’m…_
> 
> Wally wanted to protest at his father. Being gay’s not that bad… he’s not… nothing had changed with him…
> 
> He shook those thought away as he looked down… keeping his mouth shut. All this fucking mess had started because he hadn’t been able to keep his mouth shut. He could have just let it fly.
> 
> _Fucking boy had the fault. If he hadn’t kissed him. If he…_
> 
> _No._
> 
> No, Wally needed to own up to… If he’d let it go, his dad would file an assault charge. And then he would be in worst trouble for filing a false report. And assault was a real crime. He… he couldn’t just use it to get out of this…
> 
> He… He needed to… Wally wasn’t sure what he needed, except that maybe he needed to _calm_ his dad. _Yeah, that’s it._
> 
> He was shocked. He was shocked and with a little time he’d be alright. But now he needed to be quiet and let him vent a little. With some time and perspective his dad…
> 
> “Well? Don’t you have anything to say, Mary?” His dad’s question draw him out of his mind as he looked at his mom that had kept looking at the sky… She turned to see him and Wally suddenly felt the pit enveloping him because… his mom was _sad_.
> 
> His mom was _about_ _to_ _cry_.
> 
> _I made mom cry…_
> 
> “Wally… being like that… that’s a sin” she said and Wally couldn’t look away from his mom’s eyes, and he nodded being unable to say anything, to focus on anything other than the wetness on the corners of her eyes. “Don’t you know the Lord punishes that behavior?” Normally, Wally would either scoff or roll his eyes to that kind of comment, but this time, the pit in his stomach and the wetness in his mom’s eyes were freezing him and he only barely was able to nod. “That kind of deviancy is not normal.” The little hiccup at the end of that sentence made Wally look at his shoes and close his eyes to try to prevent his tears from falling down.
> 
> _Disgusting… Sinner…_
> 
> _Deviancy…_
> 
> His folks… Why were they being so harsh? Isn’t this supposed to be… different? He wasn’t supposed to make his dad angry, he wasn’t supposed to make his mom cry… He only liked boys, it… it wasn’t…
> 
> Wally kept his head down as his dad hummed and moved around to look at him “A _sodomite_. That’s what you are.” And Wally felt the tears roll down his cheeks as he felt himself be crushed under the pressure of his dad’s anger.  “Dad…” he tried to say. But his dad turned around and shushed him with a single “Quiet!” that was growled at him and that had Wally look at the floor again.
> 
> “You are disgusting! I can’t even look at you, right now. And what are we going to do, huh? We’ll be the gossip in town. We won’t be able to walk down the church and into the school without everyone saying we’re the _queer’s_ parents. Do you realize that? Did you even thought about it? What the fuck did I do wrong with you, huh? I raised you well. How did you turned out so wrong?” Wally let himself think about those scenarios.
> 
> He… He hadn’t thought of that.
> 
> Of what it would do to him, to his parents.
> 
> The humiliation of having a gay son.
> 
> He… He hadn’t even thought about it. Wally’d been an idiot.
> 
> He’d let himself believe that it was simply a matter of who he liked, but. He hadn’t… He hadn’t realized the impact of it. Suddenly, all the bullying, the whispering and the pointed fingers he’d seen. All he’d felt and he’d witnessed but hadn’t really paid attention to came back into his mind.
> 
> And then he thought about what the boy’s mom had said. About him getting out of that school. And he’d suddenly realized he would probably have to leave the school as well. He’d probably have to go to a different church, and maybe he’d even have to move… Would his dad have to leave his job too, if they found his son was gay?
> 
> _Wh… Why?_
> 
> And he was subjecting his parents to that. He’d made his dad get angry and disappointed in him, and he’d made his mom sad.
> 
> And he’d made them both disgusted at him.
> 
> If people knew… and they were bound to find out… he would…
> 
>  “Get to you room.” Wally looked up scared and flinched as his dad grabbed him by the arm and pushed him out of the room. “I can’t _see you_ right now… crying like a faggot. Get to your room and don’t get out until I say so,” he turned around and speed himself, not really thinking about anything until he was upstairs. He stayed in the stairs for a second wiping the tears out of his eyes when he heard his father whispering.
> 
> “What did we do wrong, Mary?”
> 
> -_-_-_-
> 
> Wally woke up disoriented at first. He looked around and was surprised to see the sun coming in through the window… He’d come to bed at around 4 p.m. and he felt as if he had slept more than he should have. He looked at the clock and was a little confused to see it marking 9:15 until it hit him.
> 
> He’d slept through the day. He…
> 
> Realization dawned on him and he flashed himself out of the bed and into the closet to look for some clothes. He was going to be late for school. He…
> 
> He was already late.
> 
> Last bell rang at 8:55. Which meant the doors were already closed. Which meant he had _ditched_.
> 
> For the first time since he was in Middle School he’d ditched.
> 
> Wally let out his breath and stared at his closet. Honestly, his grades wouldn’t suffer if he ditched _once_. And sure, his teachers would probably call and people would talk about him, about the fight he’d been on, about the fact the _teacher’s pet_ had been in the Principal’s office. He was probably the major gossip in the school…
> 
> Even if the fact that he’d been making out in the Principal’s office hadn’t been reported yet…
> 
> _Yep, I’m ditching today._
> 
> His stomach chose that moment to grumble at him and reminded him that he hadn’t eaten at all since yesterday’s school lunch, which, since he got his speed, had become seriously insufficient to keep the speedster’s metabolism satiated. So, he normally would eat something as he arrived home, and then again on dinner. And then again on breakfast…
> 
> That’s three meals he’d skipped.
> 
> Three meals his mom normally made for him and made sure he ate.
> 
> _She didn’t called me…_
> 
> Wally swallowed remembering he’d made his mom cry yesterday. And his dad had been angry and disappointed at him. And neither of them had called him for late-lunch, dinner or breakfast. Or to go to school…
> 
> They were probably still feeling the same. Wally felt the pit in his stomach grew as he walked downstairs and found the place empty. His mom and dad had left, probably for work. He walked into the kitchen and saw that it was empty and there were no containers with food for him. The food his mom always kept for him whenever his KF work didn’t let him eat with his family.
> 
> There was nothing. He opened the fridge door to make himself a sandwich of… anything really, but his mouth felt like sand beach and his stomach turned at the mere mention of food.
> 
> He slammed the door and felt the tears prickling on his eyes.
> 
> _‘Disgusting’ ‘What did we do wrong, Mary?’_
> 
> Nothing… His parents hadn’t done anything wrong. He was the one. He was the one that was wrong and disgusting and that had made his mom cry.
> 
> He was the one that couldn’t kept his mouth shut and hadn’t been able to realize what it truly meant to be gay. He… He’d let himself be lulled from reality by those stupid movies and series that told him how being gay was ok. How he should be proud and love who he wanted.
> 
> He should have known better than to let himself be guided by stupid propaganda and news reports that talked about _being open_.
> 
> Because that wasn’t reality.
> 
> Those were movies and ads and news that sere disconnected from reality. ‘What world do they live in?’ Wasn’t that what his dad always said about TV, politicians and news? That they’re in _their own little world_. That real people don’t feel and talk and act like that…
> 
> In reality, being gay wasn’t having an awkward conversation and then having ice cream and being happy.
> 
> In reality, being gay wasn’t just saying you were and the world kept spinning.
> 
> In reality, being gay means being bullied. Being ashamed. Humiliating your parents. Making your mom sad and your dad angry.
> 
> In reality, means people thinking about sinners and leaving schools. It means…
> 
> Fuck, it means _not wanting to eat anything_.
> 
> And that’s stupid and probably the least fucking thing that should be in his mind. But Wally likes eating. He enjoys eating. It’s one of the things he likes the most in the world, and now he just doesn’t want to eat.
> 
> He never _doesn’t want to eat_. Ever.
> 
> It’s his second favorite thing to do, after running.
> 
> _Running._
> 
> Wally suddenly felt a jolt of electricity through his body at the thought. He _wants_ to run. He…
> 
> In two seconds, he was standing in the door of his house, all clad in his KF suit and he blasted through the door, feeling the lightning in his feet and the wind in his face and chest. The contact of his feet against the solid ground pushing him forward. He focused himself on his speed, on his form, and on the obstacle track composed of cars, traffic lights, pedestrians and even city buildings.
> 
> It took his mind of things.
> 
> When he was running he was alone. He was himself. He could just think about what he had in front of him. And since he moved so fast, what he had in front of him always shifted, it was always new. He only had a fraction of a second to think about it, and then it was gone. The landscape was ever changing. The obstacles were ever changing. Everything around him was so slow, he could pretend it didn’t existed.
> 
> It was only him, the lightning and his purpose. Whatever that might be.
> 
> Today, his purpose was running, so he was alone in the world with his lightning.
> 
> And his mind could drift apart. And Wally West’s problems didn’t existed anymore, because he was the lightning _._
> 
> The _speed_.
> 
> There was nothing else that- “Ditching school, huh?”
> 
> The voice came from his side and drew Wally back from the lighting with a yelp, as he jumped to the side from the source of the voice his brain hadn’t had the time to identify. But as he jumped, his left foot hit the sidewalk and the difference in height sent his right foot into an early step that took away any semblance of balance.
> 
> And suddenly, the speed was gone and all Wally could do was cover his head and try to force a roll that wouldn’t hurt him as much. For a second, he asked himself when his life had come to a point he was thinking about how to hurt _less_.
> 
> Most people try to think about how _not_ to be hurt at all.
> 
> He felt a flare of pain as his body rolled on the sidewalk and then a strong pain flared on his head as he was hit hard against a wall that stopped his rolling. “Shit, Kid! Are you alright?” the voice said, and Wally could finally identify it as his Uncle’s.
> 
> He groaned as he opened his eyes, seeing the world in a blurry mess. His head throbbed hard as he righted himself. “Kid? God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t… Please say something.” Wally zoned out as his uncle apologized, feeling a wetness in his face. He took out his goggles and was surprised to find them a little wet with the remnants of tears.
> 
> _He’d been crying. When had he-_
> 
> “I- Don’- Does it hurt too much?” He looked up at his Uncle as he wiped his eyes. He smiled a little feeling himself a bit dizzy after the hit. “Really? You have to ask? Flash, I…” He was supposed to tell his Uncle not to worry, but his stomach decided to remind him he hadn’t eaten all day and his head felt even dizzier and he stumbled forward a little. His Uncle caught him easily and Wally barely heard him talking as he tried to stand up by himself.
> 
> Apparently, he wasn’t making a good enough effort, because before he realized what was happening, his Uncle grabbed him in full princess style and ran him up to his house. He tried to complain but his headache was growing and Wally felt like passing out.
> 
> They arrived to his Uncle’s rather fast and he was placed on the living room. His Uncle was fussing over him and putting an ice bag in his head. The ice felt really good and the feeling increased as he let himself rest, until his uncle tried to make him eat a protein bar.
> 
> Because Wally knew that eating a protein bar with nothing on his stomach was the worst possible option. While it helped as an emergency energy intake; eating one with a completely empty stomach was a bad idea. Like five hours of nausea bad.
> 
> So he refused, his uncle insisted and he had to tell him that he hadn’t eaten anything since school lunch. Which made his Uncle’s eyes grow like twice its size and then he hurried to make a sandwich for him, one that Wally had no other choice but to swallow almost against his own body’s will while he heard his Uncle rant.
> 
> And Wally couldn’t help but remember what had happened. Remember why his mom hadn’t made dinner. Why he was ditching school. Why all of this was happening. And then his Uncle talking like it was his fault. But it wasn’t.
> 
> It really wasn’t.
> 
> And his Uncle was looking at him all disappointed and judgmental, like he’d let him down.
> 
> _He’s also disappointed._
> 
> _He’s also disgusted._
> 
> _…_
> 
> _‘What did we do wrong, Mary?’_
> 
> His Uncle kept talking and Wally had stopped hearing him, the voice was only a background sound and he couldn’t take it anymore “Well, it is not like I wanted not to eat!!” He yelled at him jumping on his feet “It’s not my fault. I didn’t wanted this!” He continued hitting his chest and moving towards his Uncle who was just frozen in his spot, looking at him with big eyes, like Wally was surprising him. Like he was attacking him. _Like Wally’s wrong._ And Wally couldn’t take it any more so he kept yelling at him, ignoring the tears in his eyes. “You think I just waked up and say, hey, let’s make my dad disappointed at me… Let’s make her _cry_. Let’s humiliate and disgust everyone around me. I… I don’t want this…” He said and he couldn’t kept yelling because his breath was caught in a hiccup and Wally had to sit again to try and regulate his breath and stop the tears that had started coming as he thought about making his mom cry.
> 
> He hug himself trying to keep himself warm in the cold environment.
> 
> His Uncle usually kept the house a little cold as Iris enjoyed the cold and his speed kept him warm most of the time.
> 
> But right now it was too cold. Even for a December morning…
> 
> But Wally kept hugging himself trying to will the tears to stop coming… It was unfair. He didn’t wanted to feel like this. He didn’t wanted his family to be angry and sad at him. He wanted to live in one of those movies or comics when he could just forget everything and people would be happy and Wally wouldn’t have to feel like he failed them, like he…
> 
> _‘Disgusting… What did we do wrong, Mary?’_
> 
> He just wanted his dad to stop being angry. To be calmed, so they could talk. So he could be forgiven. Like that time with the windshield. To be given a list of chores that would make everything all right and he could just move on…
> 
> And his mom wouldn’t cry.
> 
> His Uncle was talking, and he was asking him what he meant, if he was ok.
> 
> But he wasn’t. He couldn’t be. And now his head was hurting and the food was threatening to come back up. And Wally wanted this day to be over. So when his Uncle sat next to him and hugged him and told him everything was going to be ok, Wally wanted to believe him. He sank on his Uncle’s warmth that cut through the cold of the house. And he put his face in his shoulders and let the tears soak his Uncle’s suit and dry from his face.
> 
> Soon enough he passed out.
> 
> -_-_-_-
> 
> A couple hours later, he woke up. He felt warm and the house smelt like pasta and meat. He opened his eyes and sat down, feeling something fall from his head. He saw the ice bag his Uncle had put in his head before and he took it out and gently put it on the table.
> 
> “Wally! Don’t get up. Are you ok?” His Aunt’s voice came from behind and he soon looked at her, all flustered and worried coming to fuss over him. He nodded feeling the pain on his head had gone completely. His Uncle had arrived and was next to him and Wally smiled a little at them. “What happened, Wally?”
> 
> Wally tried to no avail to shrug off her question by asking something about the food that smelled so good. His aunt glared at him and Wally knew the distractions would be futile. She was a journalist. She didn’t let a question or a misleading statement distract her from her goals.
> 
> Her goal being to find out what’s wrong with him…
> 
> And he can’t tell them. _They can’t know… If they knew, they’ll be sad and angry…_
> 
> But then her next words had him trembling again. “Wally, I called Rudy…”
> 
> _No!_
> 
> Wally flashed out of his aunt’s grasp and slid on the couch, away from her trying to control his heart from moving too fast. He brought his knees to his chest to try to keep the pressure from growing and felt his eyes grew as he looked at her Aunt. _Not her… please, not her too…_
> 
> His Aunt looked at him surprised and he glanced to his Uncle. They weren’t looking at him in _disgust_.
> 
> They… They actually seem worried...
> 
> “Wally, calm down! He didn’t told me anything. I… Did you two fight?” Wally didn’t… He tried to shake his head but he couldn’t. They technically hadn’t fought he’d… I just disappointed him. I… _Why do I have to be wrong?_
> 
> _‘Disgusting’_
> 
> Wally felt his eyes grow wet yet again and his chest was aching by how hard he was pressing his knees against it. _He can’t… He can’t know. He’ll… He’ll take the Kid Flash from me… I…_
> 
> Wally had only been the Kid Flash for a year… but it meant everything to him. And now, now he… Now his Uncle wants to know, he wants to know he’s gay, he’s a _deviant_. A _Sinner_. And Wally can’t… He can’t tell him. Not to him, not to the Flash. He can’t know. He… his Uncle, who had been his favorite person since forever. His personal hero. His mentor. The person he looks up to the most in this world and the one that has been training him to be Kid Flash.
> 
> He can’t know about him.
> 
> He can’t know about how he makes people sad and disgusted.
> 
> _Sinner._
> 
> _Deviant._
> 
> _Sodomite. Wrong. Disgusting…_
> 
> _If he finds out. If they found out. I’ll make Aunt I sad. I’ll make Uncle B disgusted. He’ll take Kid Flash from me. I won’t run again. I…_
> 
> Wally felt the pain in his chest increase and his head was starting to feel funny. The couch behind him somehow felt far away and the world around him was starting to blur a little. He closed his eyes trying to will the feeling away and pressed his knees deeper against his chest, trying to somehow ease the pressure that felt coming from inside him.
> 
> A weird noise was coming from his side, but his ears had started to ring and he had a hard time figuring out what the noise was. He opened his eyes but the blurred lines kept coming and the pressure in his chest grew to a cold burning. Very similar to the feeling of the chemicals being doused in his skin, only to feel them from within.
> 
> A pressure on his side made him turn his head and then the noise came back, but Wally was able to make out enough of his Aunt, to notice her speaking… But… _The noise._ “Just breathe, Wally. Come on, kiddo. Just in and out.”
> 
> For a second Wally didn’t understood what her aunt was telling him, but then he realized he’d stopped breathing. He tried to take a deep breath, but his lungs actually protested, and he ended up coughing. A small flare of panic settled on his brain as the coughing made it impossible for him to breathe in and the fact that he’d been depriving himself of oxygen kicked in.
> 
> But his Aunt’s voice kept guiding him into taking slow deep breaths and he managed to calm himself and breathe slowly trying to regulate himself.
> 
> He sat back on the couch and looked up to see the scared faces of his Aunt and Uncle. For a stupid second, Wally actually felt like laughing at the situation.
> 
> _I’m the one not breathing, but they looked like the ones about to die_.
> 
> He felt warm and secure in there. _But they don’t know. They can’t know. If they know, they’ll hate me. They’ll be disgusted… They’ll…_
> 
> He felt the tears come down his cheeks and before he could fight it two pairs of arms were surrounding him and two warm bodies were pressed against him. Enveloping him in a cocoon of warmth.
> 
> And Wally couldn’t… he couldn’t be there. Because he was wrong and he was a disappointment, and he was _wrong._ And his Uncle, the Flash, the Hero of Central City… He didn’t deserved it… He didn’t deserve to be around his _deviation._ He… He deserved to be able to look people in the face without having someone by his side who was _lying_ … who was wrong…
> 
> Uncle Barry had taught him how to be good. How to fight for the _right_ side, and how to be brave. Even if it means… Even if it means he doesn’t get to be Kid Flash anymore. Because, even if Wally’s _wrong_ , he can still be a good kid and tell him what he needs to know.
> 
> So he moved away from the cocoon and the warmth and took a step back, hugging himself. He motioned to the chairs and his Aunt and Uncle were there, sitting, waiting for him to speak. And Wally didn’t even knew where to start, so he told them about the school. About the boy he didn’t even knew the name about, and the bullies he’d stopped (‘ _I know I shouldn’t fight in school, Uncle B… but they were hitting him and I… I couldn’t stand there…_ ’).
> 
> He told them about being in the Principal’s Office… And he told them about the kiss.
> 
> Wally closed his eyes to try to prevent the tears from coming, but also to stop himself from seeing the faces. He… didn’t want to see it. The same red disgust and tight lips he’d seen in his father. The same detachment he’d seen in his mother. The anger. The fury. The… The _hate_. He tried to picture the face of his Aunt loving him and he grabbed on to that, and he couldn’t open his eyes because then he’d see the disappointment and the _hate_. And he didn’t… His aunt’s loving smiles were the best, and he couldn’t…
> 
> And Wally wished they would say anything… just anything, but they stayed there, quiet. Not saying anything. Like his father had. Completely quiet. And they must be hating him. They must be trying to swallow the bile rising on their throats at the thought of their nephew _the_ _deviant_. They couldn’t talk, or they actually might threw up…
> 
> And Wally couldn’t do it anymore because…
> 
> “Wally… Wally… Are you ok?” _Wh-?_
> 
> He opened his eyes and focused on his hand. His hand that was currently being covered by another hand.
> 
> His Aunt’s hand.
> 
> His aunt’s warm and soft hand was covering his and she… He looked up and saw the worried face looking at him and… _What? Am I ok?... A…_
> 
> “What?” he asked looking at her uncertain. _Why… She looks worried… Maybe… Is she in denial?_ He looked up to see his Uncle and he was also looking worriedly at him and he took a deep breath but he still didn’t… _Are you ok?..._
> 
> “Wally, you were saying you kissed this boy… What then? Did he do something to you?” _What?_
> 
> “No” he said looking at her… Why… _Why isn’t she reacting?_ And then he understood. She wasn’t getting it. She thought the guy had forced himself on him. She thought _he_ was the victim. “He didn’t… I… I wanted to…”
> 
> Wally felt himself go red at admitting that and his Aunt seemed to notice, because she just hummed and looked at him directly “Are you telling us that you’re gay?” she asked.
> 
> _Gay…_
> 
> He… that word was starting to grate on his nerves. He… _Gay_. It seemed like such an innocuous word to describe the hell he’d fallen on. The word that had made his parents disgusted at him.
> 
> Wally closed his eyes waiting to hear his aunt’s disgust. To hear her explode and tell him that he should leave back to his parents. Let them deal with the sinner, disgusting son- “And your parents found out,” he nodded still not risking to look up at her. “Right. Listen Wally, I… I need you to tell me what they told you. I promise I won’t be mad at you. I promise you’re not in trouble. I just need to know. What did Rudy and Mary said when you told them?” Wally looked at her and… he was really confused. His aunt wasn’t acting like she was supposed to. She… She looked ok. Almost as…
> 
> And then there was that voice, like she was mad but about something else. The same way she talked whenever the guy in the news talked bad about Uncle Barry or about some politics thing in Washington… Like… Like she was mad, but not at someone… not at _him_ , but at… something…
> 
> Like there was an injustice being made.
> 
> So he told her. About the meeting, about his dad being quiet. About the shouting and going to bed without dinner.
> 
> Wally hadn’t realized… he hadn’t noticed his aunt’s cold stare and angry scowl that kept deepening as he spoke, because he’d kept his eyes on the floor, trying to think about what had been said. So he was startled when his aunt started cursing. She’d cursed low and dangerous and was looking at something past him. He turned to see if his Uncle knew what she was talking about, but he was vibrating in his place.
> 
> Looking past Wally like he was watching one of the Rogues threatening a civilian… Like…
> 
> He was brought out of his thoughts when his aunt stood up and cursed so harshly Wally actually flinched from her a little. She stormed out of the room and his Uncle was looking at her leave as she took the car. His Uncle sighed and looked at him, like trying to decide if he should stay with him or go after his wife.
> 
> _What…?_
> 
> _“_ Look, Wally. I have to go talk to your Aunt. If they talk like this she might end up killing…” His Uncle turned to look back at him doubting how to finish that sentence and Wally was looking scared at him. _What?_ “Someone… Maybe…” He finished lamely and Wally had the feeling he was missing something important. That he was missing a key element in this conversation about his Aunt’s reaction but he wasn’t sure what it was…
> 
> “Anyway, I need you to stay here. Ok? I… There’s lasagna on the oven, it’s already done, and just cooling down a little. It… uhm… Your aunt made it just for you, a 9 inch dish. With bacon and full of parmesan, just the way you like it… You know? Maybe save me a slice, ‘cause it smells…” Wally raised an eyebrow to his Uncle, smiling a little at his ranting and feeling his chest grew warm thinking about his aunt taking the time to make his favorite dish for him. “But yeah… just stay here. I’ll be back in a… Actually no. I might take a while, so… I’ll try to be back by 10, ok? Just. Don’t leave. Ok? Promise. _”_
> 
> Then he vanished and Wally stood there, in the middle of his Uncle’s house looking around not entirely sure what had happened.
> 
> His Aunt didn’t seemed to be mad at _him_. She… She seemed to be honestly worried about him, and…
> 
> _Is she going after the kid? But… Wally didn’t even knew his name…_
> 
> _Is…_
> 
> The smell of the lasagna brought him to the kitchen before he’d even noticed it. He has always liked his Aunt’s bacon-parm lasagna. He took the baking dish out of the oven and cut himself a slice taking small bites first, to test his stomach, before diving into the food.
> 
> His aunt reaction was nagging at him. She couldn’t be going after the boy. She actually made it sound like he’d been inside one of the movies he’d been thinking about. Like being gay was just a small fact and the important thing about this whole scenario had been his dad screaming frustrated and getting angry.
> 
> _‘She might end up killing someone’_
> 
> Hal always kept going on and on about how Aunt I was the scariest woman he’d known. Second to Wonder Woman. Wally had never seen a look on his Aunt like he’d seen today. She was scary. She was completely frightening and considering his Uncle hadn’t agreed to carry her, nor had he got with her on the car…
> 
> _Uncle B’s scared of Aunt I…_
> 
> His Aunt, who apparently was mad at his dad for being angry at him… _that sounded really stupid._
> 
> Wally stood up after finishing his slice of lasagna. It was really stupid when he thought about it. His dad was mad at him for something he’d done. He was disgusted and angry at him, and yeah, it hurt like hell and Wally should have known better than to act on impulses.
> 
> But he was angry with Wally, so it was up to him to own up to that.
> 
> Not his Aunt.
> 
> Wally knew that with his dad, it was always better to tell him the things directly.
> 
> He’d screwed up and now his Aunt was going home to fight with him for being angry. It should be Wally trying to get his dad to stop being angry at him. It would go better like that…
> 
> With that in his mind he stood up and ran towards his home. He entered slowly through the back door and was walking into the house, when a yell and a curse had him frozen in place.
> 
> _Whoa! Aunt I…_
> 
> His _Aunt_ had just called _his dad_ a… Wally stood there, frozen, hidden behind the wall, unable to take another step.
> 
> If his aunt was willing to insult _her own mother_ like that just to get a piece of his dad… he _did not_ wanted to get in that room. So, he stayed there, hidden listening as they both breathed heavily. Apparently, he’d arrived to the end of the shouting match.
> 
> “He’s a disgrace, Iris,” his father said with such a detachment in his voice, Wally felt his face fell at that. His dad… He was hurt. He’s just angry at him. That’s all. That… “A fucking embarrassment.” Wally felt the pit grew in his chest.
> 
> _He’s just angry._ _I’ll make it up, dad. I’ll make you proud again. I… I just don’t know how yet, but…_
> 
> “He’s the sweetest, smartest, most caring kid the likes of _you_ could ever wish for” his aunt’s words made him choke up a little. She still trusted him. She wasn’t angry. Of course, she wouldn’t have anything to lose having a gay son; so she could be a little more cool-headed… Maybe she can help him figure out how to win his dad back, once she stops insulting him.
> 
> Wally could-
> 
> “If you’re so proud of him, why don’t you take him?” Wally felt himself sink into the wall at hearing his dad said that. He… That voice wasn’t joking.
> 
> That voice wasn’t mocking.
> 
> That… His dad was speaking of him… about him… about…
> 
> “Wh-? You would leave him!?” His aunt sounded hurt and taken by that comment. But Wally didn’t even risked to breathe while he waited to hear his father’s answer.
> 
> _No… He’s just angry… He’s just mad at me… I…_
> 
> “I can’t even _see him_ , Iris. A _fucking_ _fag_. In my house. He… he’s not _my_ _son_. I didn’t raise some queer, pillow-biter perve-” The sound of a slap cut his dad. “Fuck you, Rudy,” his Aunt was talking again, but Wally couldn’t listen. He was just hearing a deep ringing noise in his ears. “Even if you weren’t leaving him, there’s no way I’m letting Wally back into this house, not with you _bigoted asshole,_ ” his Aunt kept speaking and Wally closed his eyes to prevent the tears from coming.
> 
> _Dad… He…_
> 
> _It will be ok. I’ll win him back… I just… I just need to…_
> 
> But Wally couldn’t think about anything.
> 
> _‘Disgusting’ ‘He’s not my son…’ Sodomite…_
> 
> “Good. Take him. Saves me the trouble. The adoption agency wouldn’t take him. They probably don’t want to deal with the faggot, either.” _What? No… that’s…_
> 
> Wally had to grab his belly, because his insides felt like they were being tossed around. Like his intestines were jumping in his belly and he felt the aftertaste of the bacon-parm lasagna in his mouth. He forced himself to swallow and breathe.
> 
> His dad…
> 
> “You… you want to… give me out?” Wally didn’t even realized when he’d come out of the wall. He didn’t realized when he’d come into the room. He was standing behind his dad, his aunt to his side was looking at him wide eyed.
> 
> His dad didn’t turned, he didn’t even turned to look at him.
> 
> “Wally!? Wally, what are you doing here?” His aunt was looking at him and she sounded hurt and worried and Wally wanted to turn around and tell her something… to answer her about whatever she’d asked him. But the thing was, Wally couldn’t take his eyes from his dad. His dad, who’d just… he’d…
> 
> _‘Good, take him.’_
> 
> ‘The adoption agency’… Had… _Had his dad really asked some agency to take him?_
> 
> Wally took a step forward still looking at his dad’s back. His Aunt kept talking and his Uncle came back from him putting his hand in his shoulder and pushing him away from the room. But Wally shrugged him off and gave a step to his dad.  “Dad?” he looked at him trying, attempting to get his dad to look at him and answer him. Because that had to be a lie.
> 
> His dad couldn’t really…
> 
> His dad loved him. His dad was proud of him. He’d told him so many times before. He…
> 
> _Disgusting. What did we do wrong, Mary?_
> 
> “Dad… you didn’t meant that, did you?” He said feeling his voice get caught on his throat and trying to fight the tears, again. He didn’t even knew he could still have any to spill, after the last hours, but here he was, barely being able to see his dad’s back...
> 
> “Come on, Walls” his Uncle pulled him away from the room and up into his bedroom. Wally turned around feeling an emptiness in his chest that was making it really hard for him to breathe. He felt as if a part of him had just been left in that room.
> 
> _The adoption agency won’t take him…_
> 
> That had to be a lie. _It had to._
> 
> His dad was probably saying that to get under his Aunt’s skin. To try and hurt her by… by telling her he’d give him away.
> 
> Because his dad wouldn’t do that. He… He would never. It… It couldn’t be truth. His dad was just angry. He was just disappointed.
> 
> _He couldn’t really meant to leave me. He couldn’t really meant to give me away. To some Agency. To my Aunt and Uncle._
> 
> He was just angry. He just needed to _calm down_. Then he and Wally could talk. They could just talk, he’ll give him some chores, and he’ll gain his dad’s trust.
> 
> He could make his mom stop being sad.
> 
> If he was taken away… If someone would take him, then he couldn’t do anything.
> 
> He couldn’t try to gain his trust back. He couldn’t stop making his mom sad. He couldn’t make them proud, ever again…
> 
> If he’s taken away, he’ll lose them… He… He didn’t wanted to lose them.
> 
> _I can’t…_
> 
> He saw his uncle was rummaging through his closet trying to fill some travel bag with his clothes and some other essentials. He couldn’t… He couldn’t be here. He needed to…
> 
> Wally turned around and moved ran out of the room before his Uncle saw him. His dad was angry, that’s all. His dad’s angry and he’s acting out of character. He… He really didn’t meant it.
> 
> So, Wally needed to get his mom.
> 
> _She can talk to dad. She can calm him down and when they think about this…_
> 
> Wally walked up to their room and saw the lights were on and a murmured rhythmic voice was coming from inside. His mom was home. He sighed relieved and knocked on the door. He could hear the voice had stopped and waited for a second for her to open, but she didn’t. He didn’t heard any movement in the room.
> 
> He knocked again. “Mom?” he said softly. He put his ear in the door to try and hear anything. His mom was still in there, he could hear her. And then he heard the voice murmur again, he felt the rhythm of the voice and realized it was a prayer. Wally knocked again this time a little stronger “Mom, please open up,” he kind of hated the fact that his voice kept breaking that he kept sounding so pitiful around them, but…
> 
> His mom didn’t answer, he didn’t heard any movement and the prayer didn’t stop. Wally started trembling…. He knocked again, even stronger “Mom, I know you’re sad, and mad at me… but…” he started. Wally hated to do this through the door, but she needed to understand. He…
> 
> “Dad is saying… He… He says he wants me to leave the house… He… You…” Wally felt himself whimper against the door knocking again. _Come on mom… I need you to open… I need you to tell him he can’t leave me… Please…_   “Mom… you need to stop him…”  Wally said feeling the tears falling through his cheeks. The voice hadn’t stopped praying and he heard no other sounds from the room.
> 
> _She…_
> 
> _She’s not listening…_
> 
> Wally knocked harder this time, so hard he felt the door was about to fall off. “Mom?” he screamed the tears coming down freely and the pain and fear in his chest settling… “Please, mom, open up…”
> 
> _She wasn’t opening…_
> 
> _She… She’s listening, but she’s not opening…_
> 
> _She knows what dad’s doing… She agrees with him…_
> 
> _He… They’re really giving me away…_
> 
> His Uncle showed up at his side, Wally didn’t knew how long he’d been staying there, but Wally let his hand rest on the door and whimpered his mom’s name one last time before his Uncle drove him away, back to the room.
> 
> _They don’t want me._
> 
> _‘Disgusting.’_
> 
> _‘A sodomite’_
> 
> _‘How can you turn out so wrong?’_
> 
> _‘Sinner’_
> 
> His Uncle came out of his room with a travel bag and a backpack and Wally looked at them with apprehension. _I can’t leave… I can’t. I…_ “Hey… Hey, Wally. Look at me…” He looked at to his Uncle who was kneeling in front of him, putting both hands in his shoulders. “This… This is just temporary, ok? This… Your dad didn’t meant what he said, he’s just a little confused and surprised right now and he doesn’t know how to handle…” _me… he doesn’t know how to handle me… because I’m disgusting… because I’m a deviant… I disappointed him and humiliated him. And…_ “You’ll come and stay with us for a couple days and then he’ll come to his senses. He’ll realize how much he missed you and you’ll be back here. In the meantime you’ll stay with me and with your Aunt. Come on… It’ll be…” _fine… fun… all right…_ But his uncle didn’t say anything. And Wally got it. He couldn’t. Because it wouldn’t. It wouldn’t be fine. It wouldn’t be fun.
> 
> Because, his dad _hates_ him.
> 
> His mom _hates_ him.
> 
> Wally still felt a little good and nodded at his Uncle. Because if he didn’t wanted to give him false hopes about it all being fine. It probably meant the rest he said was also real. And there was a chance. And maybe his dad would miss him.
> 
> But…
> 
>  
> 
> Wally walked downstairs and looked back into his living room. Where his dad was still looking back at the chairs. Not turning to see him. “Dad,” he tried a final time, feeling himself being broken into pieces when he didn’t even flinched as he walked away as his aunt took him.
> 
> Turns out, his Uncle had been wrong.
> 
> His dad hadn’t been confused or surprised.
> 
> He didn’t thought about what he’d gone through.
> 
> He didn’t missed him.
> 
> For four years. He hadn’t heard back from his dad.
> 
> Until the day he did and he’d told him to drop any semblance of his life and the happiness he’d gained to try a conversion camp.

Wally opened his eyes and looked at the room. His dad and his mom were looking at him. He raised his hands to his cheeks to noticed them wet. _He’d cried…_

_I cried in the middle of our Shame Release program._

“How do you feel Wallace?” he looked disoriented to his right to the volunteer, who was looking at him with an open, easy face. And he turned to his parents. “Sad” he said truthfully looking at them. _Empty._

He realized that these last four years he hadn’t let himself _feel_. He’d remembered the night many times, he’d told himself the same words many times. But… He hadn’t let himself go back into what he’d felt that night. How he’d been broken into pieces by his dad’s anger and reject. By his mom’s silence and inaction.

How his Uncle and Aunt had really, truly accepted him without a second’s notice, and then, they’d turned into a rock for him to be able to stand back up. To be his _backbone_.

_Isn’t that what this whole thing was supposed to give him?_

And Wally hadn’t realized he’d already had it.

But the volunteer didn’t knew where his thoughts were taking him and simply nodded at his short tired answer and turned to his mom. “And Mary, what do you have to say about this?”

Wally looked at his mom as she turned to see him again, with a sad ashamed smile in her face “That we have a new chance. To make this right. We made a mistake letting them take you away without fighting for you. And we’re willing to… We are willing to be a family again,” his mom said.

Almost the same words his dad had said three weeks ago, when he showed up in his house.

The same words that just three days ago would have made him soar in happiness, now filled him with a complete emptiness. Those words meant nothing to them. He’d let himself be lulled into the hope that _fight_ and _be a family_ was supposed to mean to get that trust back. That they could work together. That it meant they’d all work around these massive shift that had sent his life to hell four years ago and his family would be together again.

Even if it meant losing a part of himself. Even if it meant rejecting and changing a part of himself.

Even if he lost Dick.

It would be worth it because he’ll have his family and they’ll work together on making him whole. On a self-discovery. But he’d been wrong. He wasn’t here to discover himself. He wasn’t here to get his family back. He was here to go back to being where they’d been.

Yes, his mom and dad were giving him a chance. One they denied him before.

One they’d even refused to consider when he’d turned his back on him. When she’d refused to open a door to a crying 14 year old.

_Would they do it again?_

If the 18-years old he was now told them he still loved his boyfriend… _Ex-_ boyfriend… Would they do it again? Would they turn their backs? If Wally were to walk out of this camp, would he lose them?

Wally didn’t wanted to think about it, because he already knew the answer.

‘ _We’ll see…’_ His mom’s words five days ago had given him hope, now turned on him.

_‘We’ll see…’_

The session ended ten minutes later, after they took turns thinking back on things they would have done differently; and it honestly didn’t surprise Wally that both his parents’ answers were incredibly mechanic. _Have his back, support and guide_ bullshit the Camp was telling them to say.

He followed suit and gave all the proper answers, suddenly feeling very constricted in the open space. As the session came to a close. Wally looked back sadly, seeing his mom and dad go to the volunteer and thank him, looking happy and accomplished.

The man who abandoned him and the woman who ignored him.

They hadn’t changed. They didn’t wanted to change. Their accomplishment wasn’t getting his son back. It was being able to mold him back into what they wanted him to be.

_‘They need to accept the ‘you’ that you are; not the ‘you’ that they want you to be.’_

He’d thought this program would help those two become one and the same. He’d thought he could go through this and his family would have his back and try to be there for him, regardless of the results of this camp.

But Wally wasn’t wrong. He didn’t felt _wrong_.

Despite how his parents and the volunteers kept trying to guide him and mold him, the only conclusion he could reach was that this program wasn’t for him. He wasn’t a deviant who needed to be molded into a _real man_. He wasn’t a sinner in need of guidance.

He was Wally.

And his parents needed to see him for who he was.

And he was a gay man.

‘ _I raised you well…_ ’

Wally stood up following his parents for lunch.

What would happen if they knew about his doubts? About the utter failure of this program…

About the fact that he still didn’t fit the mold of _perfect son_ they had in their heads.

-_-_-_-_-

Wally sat on his bed, he’d already packed his luggage and had it all fixed in front of him.

He’d packed and fixed everything with super speed as soon as he entered the room.

He’d been thinking about this all day, after his Shame Release, during his afternoon solitary Guided Meditation, at dinner, while his mom and dad kept talking about a nice Christmas dinner to celebrate he was _back._

It had taken all of Wally’s self-control not to jump at that comment and just lay it all out right there in the middle of the table. But Wally just breathed and didn’t commented. He excused himself early and ran to his cabin and packed everything. He’d had time to go through the cabin three times to make sure he wasn’t leaving anything behind.

_Just mom and dad…_

He swallowed thickly as he thought about that. He was about to disappoint them again. To make his dad angry and his mom sad. _Like four years ago._

A part of him was praying he was wrong. That his parents would accept him and move forward with him. That they’ll embrace him and tell him they would still be with him, and that they will work things out at home. That they’ll accept him and Dick… Him and whoever he would end up with…

_Don’t go there Wally… Don’t…_

The door cracked and he looked up to see his mom entering. She froze looking at the suitcase confused for a second. She must have noticed something because her eyes flared with pain and hurt.

Wally forced himself not to blink. Not to feel. His dad entered after her and was confused. Wally took a deep breath before he said the words he’d thought about during dinner. “Mom. Dad,” he said looking at them seriously “I promised you an honest chance. I did, I gave it. But I… I can’t.” He looked at their expressions.

He looked confused, she looked hurt.

“What do you mean, Wallace?” His dad moved forward and put his hands on the luggage, trying to be open, trying to be close to him. And Wally wanted that… so much. To hold that hand and to have his dad look at him with the same love and care he’d remembered from his childhood.

“Wally-bear?” his mom said looking at him confused and Wally felt a twist in his chest at the pet name. This would probably be the last time he’d hear that. He shrugged that thought away and continued with his resolve. He would not keep pretending he could move forward with this plan. Not when he was expecting to change something that wasn’t _wrong_ with him. Not when his parents weren’t willing to even consider the idea that _their beliefs_ were wrong.

“I can’t do this anymore” he said meeting their glances “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, Mom, Dad. But this… This whole thing. I… I can’t do this. I’m not _wrong_. I’m not a _deviant_ , or a _sinner_. I’m not a _sodomite_ ” his dad flinched at the wording and he knew he was making them remember their talk, four years ago. He didn’t care.

They still believed that. They still believe he needed to fit _their_ idea of him, instead of who he truly wanted to be.

“I… I want, more than anything to be what you want me to be. Someone worthy of your praise, someone you can be proud of. Someone you can love,” he said looking at him, remembering why he’d done this in the first place “But I can’t do it if it means denying who I am.”

“And who is that?” His mom said coming closer, standing next to his dad at the edge of the bed. “Are you really going to let yourself be defined as a gay man?” she said and gestured at him before adding “Is that all you are? Because you’re a smart kid. And you have everything to become a strong successful young man. But, you let yourself be defined by this… _attraction_.” Three days ago he would have believed her.

He would have tried to please her and prove her he could be all that she said, except now he noticed the layers of disgust and hatred as she said that last word. Her coldness as she shrugged everything he was aside, focusing only on this aspect of him.

The _attraction to men_. Men like Dick. Beautiful, wonderful Dick.

His _relationship_ with Dick.

That’s what disgusted her. That’s what she _hated_.

But his relationship with Dick had been the only good thing in his life over the past few years.  His relationship with Dick was the only thing he could _look forward to_ with a little hope and wanting.

It’s what he wanted. More than anything…

“No. I’m not,” he said looking at them “I’m not defining myself as anything. But if you can’t see past that… then that’s all I am to you,” he shrugged and looked at them sadly.

That’s the thing.

They’d asked him to come here because he was their _gay son._

Not Wally.

Not even their _son._

He was the _gay_ son. The wrong, sinning deviant they’d left behind and wanted to recover. To _guide_. To _redeem_.

They couldn’t see past his sexuality and it had become all they saw in him.

“And it’s not just an _attraction_ and it’s not a _deviation_. It’s who I love. And I love a man. I…” He swallowed and nodded to himself before standing in the small space between the beds, in front of his mom and dad. “I actually have… had a boyfriend” his mom looked properly scandalized and Wally wanted to roll his eyes “I broke up with him… before I came here… And he’s a wonderful man, someone I love. Someone I see myself having a life with. And… And I’m not losing that… him. Not over _this_ …” he gestured to the rest of the cabin, the camp.

“Your family?” His dad huffed getting angry. And Wally looked at him directly and shook his head.

“No. Your expectations of what I should be.”

He moved forward and grabbed his luggage, he tried to move to give his mom a hug, but she turned around not looking at him. His dad looked at him disapprovingly and crossed his arms. Wally sighed but was a little surprised when he found he had no tears in his eyes. He was empty. It had taken four years, but he’d finished crying over that rejection.

It stung. It stung like hell.

But it didn’t broke him anymore. Not when he knew he wasn’t wrong. Not when he knew there wasn’t something he could have done differently to gain his parents back. Not when he knew they weren’t willing to meet him halfway and try to accept a part of who he was.

_‘They love you… they just need to accept you.’_

Being here had proven his aunt right in so many ways. And he knew his dad and his mom loved him. He saw the look in their eyes she’d talked about. But it didn’t meant he had to stay here and be who they wanted him to be. Not when it would break him, leave him empty and hopeless. In an unwanted future.

‘ _Your life is yours. When they leave, what are you gonna do with yourself?_ ’

“I’m sorry,” he said as he left his cabin and crossed the atrium, even though he wasn’t exactly sure what he was sorry about. He left and felt emptiness in his belly and sighed remembering Roy and the piece of paper he was hiding in his pocket.

_Right. One last thing to take care of._

He left his luggage hidden behind a plastic potted plant and ran through the camp, hoping to find Charlie in one of his nightly smokes. Kid tried to avoid being alone with Mother as much as he could. So, Wally wasn’t surprised when he found him sitting against a tree. “Charlie,” he called waving at him from a couple feet away. Charlie looked at him and gave him a toothy grin and a wink.

“Wall-man! Missing the King already?” Wally laughed at him and shrugged. “I’m leaving,” he deadpanned cutting right to the point. To be honest, he didn’t wanted to be in this place a second longer than he needed to. And he was getting a weird tingling feeling under his skin, thinking about his next step once he leaves the camp.

_Dick…_

Charlie just looked at him for a second, probably wondering if he was being serious. He must have read his intention in his face, because pretty soon his lopsided smile turned into a full toothy grin as he stood up. “Fucking _finally_ , man!” he said coming closer to him and putting a hand on his shoulder “Get your ass outta here!”

Wally smiled before turning serious, using his Kid Flash voice. “Listen, before I left, I wanted to… There’s this good LGBT program in your city” he said fishing out the address Roy had sent him earlier. “They help with family programs, at risk youth and all.”

Charlie bristled at him and puffed his chest at him “Do I look _at-risk_ to you?” And Wally could recognize the angrily defensive pose from miles away, so he didn’t waited a second replying him. “Your options are an abusive family, homelessness or whoring yourself.” Charlie glared at him as he huffed and rolled his shoulders looking away, he was about to answer something, probably crass and offensive, so Wally just pressed the paper into his hand. “Give them a call. They set up work and school opportunities for kids over 16 and help with the emancipation program.”

Charlie looked down and Wally thought for a second he was gonna crumple the paper and walk away, but something caught Charlie’s attention. “How did you knew where I live?” he asked and Wally bit his lip.

_Because I had a member of the Justice League look you up and form a dossier on your life…_ He kind of wanted to see Charlie’s reaction to that, but he just smiled and said “I have my ways.”

Charlie looked at him oddly but shrugged and kept the paper, making Wally smile. A second later Charlie pulled a different piece of paper and wrote something in it. “Here. Give me a call when this is over.” Charlie came closer to him and grabbed his ass hard “Bet you make a _sweet_ cowboy,” he whispered licking his lips.

Wally went beet red and moved away stuttering as he did so. “S… sorry man, I… I’m taken,” he muttered in the end.

Again, Charlie looked at him with a dropped jaw. “Shut. _The fuck._ Up” he said marking each word, taking a step back and looking at him incredulously “You have a _boyfriend_?” he asked almost screaming. Wally nodded sheepishly. He didn’t, technically, but… _next step_ … “Dude, _seriously?_ Why the fuck did you came here for?” Charlie asked him for what felt like the hundredth time.

But instead of his typical answer, Wally just shrugged with a tired smile “Honestly… I don’t know anymore. Hope, I guess.” He moved back, and waved Charlie hoping the teen would take his advice and get some help. “I’ll still call, though. Catch up once you leave,” he said before waving at him. He’ll have Roy give Charlie a little visit in a couple months to see if he was doing ok, and with some luck, he’ll have made a friend out of all this mess.

Once he was hidden between the cabins, Wally sped back to the entrance.

He’ll go to Central, to the closest Zeta Tube. And then… Gotham City.

-_-_-_-_-

Wally stood at the entrance of Central City, looking at the sign… ‘ _Home of the Flash and Kid Flash_ ’.

He wanted to laugh sadly. Even the sign had realized it before he had.

This was _home_. _Here_.

With Aunt I and Uncle B. Fighting along The Flash. Running to the Team.

Being with Dick.

This was _home_.

He’d been caught in the dream of a home far away from his. A past home, where he’d been happy but where he couldn’t be himself. He’d failed to recognize he’d made himself a new home. With people that accept him and love him for who he is.

His Aunt and his Uncle will always love him and have his back. Even now, if he comes after leaving them for an empty promise, even after going against their wishes. He knows his Aunt will just hug him, and tell him it will be ok. He knows his Uncle will gave him a pat and ask him if he’s ready to run a few laps, knowing how much running energizes him.

The Team will be mad. They’ll be angry once he tells him where he’s been. But, like Roy, they’ll move forward with him. Supporting him.

And Dick…

Wally hurt Dick the worst. That fucking conversation went sideways in the worst possible way and Wally hadn’t had the balls to actually talk to Dick afterwards. Kidding himself with the hope that he’ll have his family back.

That he could move forward without Dick, when the only truth is that the only forward he could conjure up is with his Robin by his side.

He’s the only future Wally truly wants.

_And I’m fucking getting that future._

Wally smirked as he felt the lightning course through his veins. He started running and felt as if a breath of fresh air entered his body. The Speed Force was pumping in his blood, making him pleasantly warm under his skin despite the cold winter.

The _lighting_ knew where he needed to go and he arrived at the Zeta Tube and marked his destination without waiting half a millisecond.

For the first time in two weeks, he felt alive and energized. 

He had a purpose. He had a goal.

_I’m getting my bird back._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just the Epilogue left. Should be up next week.
> 
> I saw many of you were quite confused last chapter about Charlie. I’ll be honest, he wasn’t supposed to appear on this story, he’s a bit of an important character on a different one I’ve been planning. But, I thought it might be interesting to introduce him here and give him a bit of a backstory, to advance the plot of a possible next entry on the series.
> 
> Originally, he was supposed to be Wally’s first gay kiss and they meet again a couple years later he’s in a bad place and Wally tries to help, but Dick gets jealous, and it was supposed to be a short cute story. But, I decided to separate the two characters and leave the mystery kisser as that, without giving him a name. Someone who crossed his path, turned Wally’s life around without meaning or even noticing the effect he’d had on it.
> 
> And then having Charlie as a bit of a silver-lining on this camp. Someone who could become a close friend to Wally. But, I guess we’ll see how that turns out…


	4. Chapter 4

Wally ringed the bell at Wayne Manor, feeling as if he was intruding. Suddenly having the sheer scale of the place get to him, feeling oppressed by it. There might be a small chance he will not leave this place alive. If Dick doesn’t kill him, Mr. Wayne certainly will.

That is, if he makes it pass Alfred, who is even scarier that Mr. Wayne, somehow.

Wally remembered the first time he’d taken Dick out on a date. Alfred had opened the door with a shotgun casually hanging from in his hand and Wally had been tempted to run the other way, but stupidly thought it was _Alfred_ , the _Butler_ …

What could he do to him?

Plus, Agent A liked him.

So, instead he’d asked if the Bat knew he had a shotgun, and wasn’t he opposed to guns?

Alfred had merely looked at him and said “I know perfectly well Master Bruce’s opinion on guns, Mister West. I carry this for protection against anyone who attempts to harm me, this household or _my family,_ ” he’d looked straight to his eyes and added “Master Bruce _agreed_ that his ban on guns doesn’t apply to me. Nor does his compunction about killing.”

Wally sensed the Bat’s agreement had been reluctant. And that made him shiver. Sure, the Bat threatening to shoot him in the spine with a special bullet was scary. Nightmare scary.

It was the Bat, after all.

But then, here he was, this butler; telling him he could very well wipe his British butt with the Bat’s two more sacred rules.

Two rules almost no-one in the League dared even question.

So yeah, it was _fucking scary_.

Thinking about that, Wally wanted to reassess his plan. Maybe he really wouldn’t make it past the door. But still, the lightning tingled under his skin. He had a purpose.

So he ringed again.

Ten seconds later, the door opened and the very proper, very British, very scary Agent A opened the door. Wally tried a sheepish smile as he said a weak “Hi.”

Alfred raised an eyebrow and returned the greeting. “Mister West” Cold. Distant. Unforgiving.

Wally would take the shotgun blast anytime over that tone. But, still. _Purpose_ “Is he home?” he asked looking at the butler. He looked back and raised an eyebrow for a second before nodding minutely. “He’s in his bedroom” he said “You might not be welcomed”

**_Might_ ** _not be…_

_He’s letting me in…_ _He’s giving me a chance._

Wally gave him his brightest smile and tried to look hopeful. “I know… But, I need to try.” Alfred moved to the side letting him in.

“For what it’s worth,” Alfred said as he passed the threshold. “I hope you are welcome… I do enjoy your visits, Mister West.” Wally smiled at him and thanked him and asked for good luck, speeding up to Dick’s room.

Halfway up, he froze as the looming presence of Bruce Wayne stood at the top of the stairs. Wally stopped as Mr. Wayne’s face registered just for a fraction of a second, surprise, anger and then… something akin to hope. Wally allowed himself to keep the sense of hope that overcame him as Alfred let him in.

He nodded in a silent hello to Mr. Wayne, not trusting his voice to keep the farce of calm he hoped his body was projecting. Mr. Wayne stared him for a full minute before he hummed darkly. “You broke your promise,” he said.

Wally was a little lost, until a meeting on the man’s private office came to his mind.

_‘He’s important to me too. His safety and happiness are important to me, I promise.’_

He’d promise to keep Dick safe and happy. And then he’d hurt him. He’d broken up with him and if Roy’s stories were true, he might have jeopardized Dick’s safety as well.

He’d truly and utterly broken his promise.

“I know,” he said lowering his head.

Mr. Mayne hummed again. And added in the same dark tone “You lost my trust.”

And again. Wally nodded, keeping his head low. “I know.”

Mr. Wayne stood there looking at him, not saying a word, as Wally felt like he was awaiting judgement. He must have been judged favorably, because Mr. Wayne huffed and moved as he said in an even voice. “He hasn’t eaten in two days. Make sure he eats something.”

Wally smiled and nodded eagerly at him, “I will”.

Mr. Wayne simply kept walking downstairs and Wally walked until he was in front of Dick’s door. He took a deep breath drawing energy from the lighting in his muscles and his veins.

He knocked softly. A tired voice answered from inside the room. “Just leave me alone, Bruce. I’ll get over it, just…” And Wally couldn’t help but notice many things in Dick’s voice. The tiredness alone was very easy to pick up. But he could also hear the lack of venom and anger in his voice. A venom that had become more and more common every time Dick talked to Bruce.

It wasn’t there... A part of Wally warmed at that thought. Something had happened with Bruce, and their relationship had improved. Maybe even mended…

_At least something good…_

Wally swallowed. “I’m not Bruce” he said feeling brave enough to say something, but not exactly confident enough to elaborate. He felt a change behind closed doors. The silence drew him back a couple years back, to another closed door he’d been knocking.

A door that hadn’t opened.

A sense of despair started to fill his chest, but then the muffled sound of footsteps came from the other side of the door and he started to feel some relief, until it registered in his mind that he was _hearing_ Dick’s footsteps.

_I really shouldn’t be able to hear Dick’s footsteps._

_He… He’s stomping._

Not half a second after he had that thought, the door opened violently and Dick was suddenly in front of him. Wally took a second to see his boyf- _ex-boyfriend_. Dick looked surprised. Wally took some time to really see his bird.

His hair was kind of long, like three weeks too long, the strands of hair were already well below his eyebrows, almost covering his eyes. He must have been in bed, because his hair was a complete mess, sticking out at odd places all around his head. _Not sleeping though…_

Dick’s eyes looked sunken. Not dark with bags like normal-Dick Grayson. The private normal-Dick Grayson, because public-Dick Grayson wore a lot of make up to cover all sorts of imperfections and scars from battle.

However, right now, his bags were a dark purple and the corners of his eyes were covered with white and red marks, probably from violently scrubbing them. His eyelids had a soft pink hue and Wally knew he’d been crying not too long ago. Dick’s normally pink full lips, were cracked and white and he honestly looked like he had been struggling to eat anything. Dick was wearing a black tank top and some once-upon a time black jeans that now looked gray and over-used. He honestly looked like he’d put on something he’d found at the bottom of his dirty clothes pile.

Wally swallowed hard and allowed himself to be eased into his Normal-time.

He hadn’t taken into account that Roy might have been right. That Dick had truly been miserable. He’d never expected breaking up with him would have this kind of an effect on the cheerful and mission-driven Robin. On the happy, ray-of-sunshine Dick Grayson.

To see him _miserable_ as Roy had said.

_D…_

Dick’s surprise gave way to anger, Wally half expected a birdarang to fly from Dick’s hand and lodge itself into his chest. Dick scrunched his nose and straightened trying to raise himself to his entire height. “Wow. They really work fast…,” he spat at him looking at him once over. Wally took a step back without meaning to and whined at him. “Dick…”

Dick simply looked at him straight in the eyes. “So. You’re _cured_. No longer a _freak_.” Wally moved a little in his place. This… He hadn’t expected this.

He’d expected Dick to be angry. To be mad at him. He’d even expected him to try and hit him.

But, he hadn’t expected him to look so disheveled.

He didn’t expected him to be openly hurt and mourning.

He didn’t expected the hurt and anger to be turned directly at him without a second of hope in Dick’s eyes.

And Wally didn’t knew what to do now, because Dick was looking at him not sadly or hurt. But…

_‘Disgusting’_

“You know? I don’t think you should be here. Getting close to a _deviant_ like me _,_ you might _relapse_. You m-” Dick kept talking and didn’t seemed to want to shut up. So, not really knowing what to do, Wally did the only thing he could think of to keep Dick from talking.

He moved closer, actually flashed up to him, not giving Dick a chance to react and crashed against his lips. The lips were chipped and they felt a little hard and sour to Wally, but he didn’t mind, he risked a hand on Dick’s arm and he had to force himself to cut the kiss not even half a second in.

He’d came here to talk. Not…

He didn’t wanted to impose himself on Dick.

Dick looked very confused and the surprise was taking hold instead of the anger. And Wally felt himself strong enough to actually carry the conversation. “I left,” he said looking at Dick “I couldn’t stay there.”

Dick looked at him and narrowed his eyes trying to assess Wally and he wanted to fidget a little at being scrutinized by a Bat-stare, but he forced himself to stay still and try to let Dick find whatever he wanted from his look.

Dick looked down and stared at Wally’s hand and swatted him away “So what?” he said wiping his lips savagely and taking a couple steps into the room. “Congratulations. You realized being gay’s not a sickness. _Kudos_ ,” he sat on the bed and stared at him still in the door. Wally took it as an invitation to enter, so he walked in and closed the door behind him. “What are you doing here, then?” Dick asked.

Wally took a breath and looked back at Dick. The kiss had been a mistake. That much he could see. It had granted him entrance to Dick’s room, but it had also made Dick retreat into himself. He wasn’t _feeling_ angry, he was _acting_ angry. And he was acting angry, because he was doing that Bat-compartmentalization thing he did to prevent the _mission_ to get to _Dick_. He’d seen Robin do that many times. He’d been angry at Dick many times before for making _Robin_ do that when talking to him.

It was eerie, to see Dick talk about what he was feeling, about what he was thinking, as if they weren’t his emotions. As if he was _acting_ the way he was feeling. He knew why he did it. He separated himself from his own emotions and then he studied them. He did that in missions. He did that _to missions_.

Dick always said he wasn’t anywhere as bad as the Bat who was able to completely separate from his emotions and actions and was able to _dissect_ them. But he was good at it.

And it was fucking horrible to see. And the worst part, was that Wally was in the wrong _compartment._

He was in the mission one.

In the _detachment_ one.

“I… I thought…” he said trying to bring _Dick_ back into the conversation. His Dick. Not Wayne’s son. Not Batman’s protégé.

_His bird._

Dick snorted and looked at him angrily “You thought you could just come in and that I’ll _jump to your arms_. Well, fuck you, Wallace.” Wally flinched at the use of his full name. Yet another result of the detachment. “You dumped me, you left. To be _normal_ …” He said looking at him, not allowing the feeling to sweep through the mask. And Wally knew Dick was trying not to let the pain he was expressing to be felt. But Wally didn’t had any compunctions about allowing himself to carry the hurt.

He’d hurt his bird. And he deserved to feel like an asshole for having done so.

Dick shut his eyes hard and shook his head a couple times before growling deeply. “Nah-uh,” he said looking at him and Wally swallowed hard. “I’m not… Screw this. I’m not going through this shit.” Dick’s growl grew and Wally saw the raw _anger_ that seemed to be so typical of Gothamites “Get the fuck out.”

“I can’t” Wally said honestly. Dick might have detached himself from the conversation, but he hadn’t. He had a mission. He wasn’t leaving. Not yet, not until Dick _understood._ But Dick didn’t seemed too keen on the idea, because his face remained impassive as he raised an eyebrow “What?” he asked.

“I…” Wally looked at the fiery blue eyes looking at him with that non-anger and he felt his stomach twist uncomfortably “I can’t leave yet…” he choked out trying to stand his ground. He needed Dick to _understand_.

“Yeah, you can,” Dick said and pushed him, catching him off guard, but this time, he didn’t let himself be pushed out of the room. He wasn’t making the same mistake twice, so he sped away to the side and tried again. “Dick, I need…”

“I don’t care, Wally!” Dick said breaking out of character and letting the hurt overcome his anger for the first time and Wally saw the tears coming out of those blue eyes. “You _left_! You told me I was _lucky to be an orphan_ and you LEFT! ” Dick yelled at him with the tears falling down as he stared him down. “You fucking _ripped_ my heart open and then you _dumped_ me and _left_.  With two shitty texts! You didn’t even had the fucking balls to call me, to say it to my face… So I don’t give a _fucking_ _shit_ what you can or can’t do. You are fucking leaving. Again.” Dick was looking at him, letting the tears fall down and letting the hurt rip thought his throat and Wally felt each word as a needle through his chest.

_I hurt you… I hurt you so bad and I didn’t even realized…_

_Fuck, D…_ But seeing his love crying in in front of him cemented his resolve.

“No” he said and Dick looked up enraged again and ready to strike him, but Wally barreled through it, standing his ground. Dick needed to know. He needed to tell him and…

He’d hoped after this Dick would forgive him. He… he hadn’t expected his actions to cut so deeply. But… “You’re right,” he said to Dick and he huffed and walked back with his crossed arms. “I was a coward. I was a _shit to you_ and I don’t deserve you. God, I don’t… But, I’m not leaving. I was wrong, so wrong to do this… But, I need to talk to you. I need to tell you…”

“Whatever it is, I don’t care,” Dick cut him off.

“I’m still telling you,” Wally said moving close. Dick huffed and took a couple steps back trying to regain the control he’d lost as he let himself scream at Wally. “Suit yourself,” he muttered “I don’t have to listen to you.”

Dick tried to leave the room, but Wally sped himself to the door, cutting his exit. Two times, Dick tried to leave. Two times Wally cut him with a plea to listen. Dick finally huffed and threw him a dirty look, before turning his back to him. Wally waited for a second, for Dick to make any move to acknowledge him, but the boy simply moved to the bed and muttered a soft _Fuck this_ while he settled in his bed turning his back to Wally, trying to bury his head in his pillows.

The bile hadn’t subsided, but Wally allowed himself to breathe and try to remain positive. Dick hadn’t left, and even like this, he knew his bird would still listen. He’ll try to compartmentalize, but he’ll listen. Wally sat on the chair next to the bed and looked at the mop of black hair… He thought about what he wanted to say. He took a second to organize his thoughts… These last seven days had been a fucking rollercoaster but the realization he’d come to in his final Shame Release session…

On the talk with Father Willis.

_It… It might actually be better like this._

He needed Dick to understand. And to do that, he needed to go back to when he’d finally understood what had happened to him.

“I… I need you to understand, D,” Wally said settling his eyes on the window looking out to the Manor’s grounds. He wished he could detach himself from his emotions as his bird had. But he couldn’t, so he simply let himself feel again what he’d been thinking for the last couple days. “I’ve been a wreck for the past four years, Dad’s reaction to finding out I was gay. Mom’s indifference. It… it wrecked me. I… I don’t think I ever took the time to realize how much… I didn’t even _felt_ all Uncle B and Aunt I had done for me. All they’d meant to me. It just didn’t compute, because all I could process was the fact that I was a _failure_. That I was the unwanted child who didn’t deserved the love of his parents. That I had somehow been the reason my family had _failed_. I believed for so long that I had wronged them. That I had disappointed them and made them hate me. It was _on me_.”

Wally remembered the feeling of guilt and shame that used to overcome him as he remembered the night his dad had kicked him out. His mom’s indifference as he went away… He’d never taken a second to analyze why he’d felt that at that time.

“It _hurt,_ D. Too fucking much,” he continued “I never realized how much it did until Dad… _My dad_. The man I felt I had _ashamed_ and _humiliated_ … He came home and told me he would give me a chance. A chance to be _his son, again_. I wish I could tell you how much it meant to me. He came and told me he wanted me. He’d come to _see_ _me_. Even though he’d wanted to give me in adoption. Even though he hadn’t even _looked at_ _me_ as he let my Uncle take me away. _He_ was giving _me_ a chance. And I know… I _know_ that it’s fucking messed up. I know I shouldn’t have felt like this… I _know_. But he was there. And all he wanted was for me to prove I was _willing_ … How could I not?”

And Wally he hadn’t been able to comprehend why people didn’t _just got that_. That _he_ was being given a chance. A huge, massive chance to make everything OK.

It wasn’t until Roy had come and challenged the absurdity of _him_ being asked to give a chance to _his parents_ that he’d actually started to think…

Because in his mind he had been the one that had _wrong_ them.  He was the one that had made them feel ashamed. He’d been the one that humiliated them.

_How could he reject the opportunity?_

Wally took a breath to even out his voice.

“I had to, D. I had to give myself a chance. To prove myself worthy. Even if it meant losing… Well, you… _You_ , the only one who was able to give me a true smile in the last four years. _You_ , D. My fucking _future_. My…” The whimper that came out of his voice made him break and he wiped the tears from his face and evened out his breath before continuing “You’re the only thing my heart wanted. But _he_ asked… _they_ asked… And, I was rewinding the clock, D. In my head… It made sense. I swear. I know it’s fucking warped and wrong and sick…  But it made sense, D.” He let the tears fall and choked himself a little taking a few deep breaths before he could continue.

“I would have them… And then it would be ok. Because I would be worth it. Because they would _love me_. And things could go back…” He cut himself when the tears and the lack of air didn’t let him finish and Wally took a hand to his chest, because it was too hard… Telling this, laying it out in the open. It hurt too much, but Dick… Dick deserved it. If he really wanted a future with Dick, and if. By some miracle Dick still wanted him, the brunette needed to know the kind of mess he was getting in by being with him…

“I couldn’t, D… I… I want a life, D. Mine. My own… And… Fuck, I want it _with_ _you_. And… I know I can’t. _I know_ _I lost you_. And I know that right now you’re probably hating me and you’re going over how stupid and… And you’re right. And I deserve it… But… But, I… _need you_ , babe.”

Wally didn’t cared he was being pitiful. He didn’t cared he sounded like a fucking toddler demanding attention. He… He needed, D. He needed his bird. And… Wally felt a fire rise in his veins. A lighting taking over him. His speed was responding to him, to his will.

To his purpose.

“I won’t give up on you… Never. Not _ever again_ ” he said, regaining control of his voice and feeling it stronger than ever “I love you, D. And it’s not _puppy love,_ as Roy said. It’s fucking _real_. I want you. I need you. And I’m gonna prove it to you… I’m… I’ll be worthy of you, babe,” he stood up and moved to the bed, risking a touch to the black mop, feeling the softness of Dick’s hair. “I promise.”

He would. Even if it takes him this life and the next. Wally’s going to prove his worth to his Robin. Even if he doesn’t have a fucking clue how to. He will.

_I’m winning you back, babe._

“That’s it. That’s what I wanted to tell you. I was broken, I was a mess. And in that mess, losing you was worth it, if it meant being a part of my family. Only it took me too long to realize, they don’t want me, they want _their idea_ of me. And I still lost you… but I’m not giving up.” He took a deep breath and moved to walk out of the room. He’d already said his piece and he needed to go and talk with his Aunt and Uncle. His parents probably already called them and they’re likely going to be pissed at him.

_That’s another apology that’s way overdue…_

“Walls,” he froze in the door hearing Dick’s soft voice, he sounded tired and… quite frankly he sounded like he’d been crying which… Ok, Wally’s really not ready to assess that one. Luckily he didn’t had to because Dick’s next words had him choking for air “What happened with your parents?”

He closed his eyes and tried to not to think back… His parents… He remembered his mom scandalized look, his father’s disappointment when he told them. Her cold words and his angry stare as he left.

“I think I lost them too,” Wally said staying in the doorway and ready to leave feeling a weird nothingness as he said that. He was just too tired to properly _feel_ anything about his parents. Tomorrow, Wally will probably freak out and get into a spiral of self-hatred, but right now all he feels is empty.

He saw the tray of biscuits and tea and remembered Bruce’s request. “Eat something, D. Please… you need the energy,” he pleaded and took a step forward, but he froze as he felt a strong hand on his forearm.

He looked down and saw Dick’s hand holding him in place and Wally felt his body go rigid from the contact.

“You… You haven’t,” Dick said and Wally turned his head to look at him not completely following his statement, but Dick had his eyes set on the floor. “You said you lost me. You haven’t,” Dick said and Wally felt a surge of hope raise through his body and turned around to face Dick.

He looked up and Wally saw the sadness and the anger still simmering under them “I’m not happy. And I’m still not jumping on your arms…” He said looking straight at him, before raising a finger and pointing it at his chest. “And you need to explain what the fuck does _Roy_ has to do with anything… And you _fucking better_ _meant_ what you said… about winning me. Because I’m gonna make you work for it, asshole, _”_ he said threateningly but it broke a little in the middle and Wally stupidly nodded at him with a hopeful smile on his lips.

“But…” Dick said and swallowed before taking a deep breath and looking him dead in the eye “I’m… You haven’t lost me. Even if… if it doesn’t… work out, us. You’ll never lose me.”

_Doesn’t work out…_ Wally felt that statement as a dagger to the heart but he still smiled “BFF’s” he said with a smile, _I’m winning you back, D… Whatever it takes…_

Dick tried and failed to return him a smile before taking a step and resting his head on Wally’s shoulder and saying softly. “If… it’s worth it… I’m sorry about your mom and your dad. I…” He didn’t said anything else and Wally knew what Dick meant… He knew his parents weren’t Dick’s favorite people. He knew he might actually _hate_ _them_ … But he’s sorry he’s going through this…

Because Dick’s always been the kind of friend who just _feels_ with you…

Wally risked enveloping Dick in a hug and was incredibly relieved when Dick leaned into it and actually tightened it. They stayed like that for a good couple seconds before Dick moved back and glanced at the tray. “This is a lot of food…” he tried with a smile, and Wally returned it…

An olive branch… _I’m willing to make an attempt…_

He… Wally wiped the tears from his eyes and sat next to Dick, grabbing one of the biscuits and eating it in silence looking at him.

_I’m sorry about this, babe… I’m making it up to you. I swear._

Dick must have inherited Bruce’s telepathy, because he nodded and smiled at Wally.

A silent promise…

_We’ll be fine._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this ends this story. Thank you so much to everyone who left kudos, commented or simply read and enjoyed this story.


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